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When Your Man is With Another woman
Why Men Cheat
By Tigress Luv
are the factors that lead to an affair? Believe it or not, it's not
about SEX, and it's not about Physical Attraction to the other woman.
For many men who have cheated their wives or mates were far MORE
attractive than the other woman, and their husbands found their wives
more sexually satisfying, too. Affairs are usually the result of one
single factor, but can be the accumulation of many. For most an affair
was a way of meeting a certain emotional need that their partners were
not providing. Although, there are often other factors as well, such as
boredom; the desire to punish one's partner; excitement, risk, or
challenge; and even 'power' to name a few. Usually if a man is having,
or contemplating having, an affair, he is using it as a way to fill an
emotional void he feels in his current relationship with his mate. Most
underlying causes of infidelity are based on the person (who is doing
the cheating) seeking certain needs that were lacking in their
What are these needs?
Men, just like women, seek certain emotional needs. These may be
different needs than the ones we feel, but just as important to their
fulfillment as our needs being fulfilled are important to us. What are
a man's needs?
Sexual fulfillment: Face it, women like
affection and men like sex. A man is feeling his most free to give love
for a woman when he is engaged in sex with her. It is one of the few
times he can relax and feel love with-out the expectations of having to
'pay' for it. What I mean when I say 'pay' for it is when a man says I
love you, or feels love, he also feels the tremendous burden of what
those words mean to him. He must now provide for her. Keep her happy
and secure. Provide a safe home to which they may raise a family. Seek
steady and financially secure employment. Seek her approval on every
single plan before putting it into action. Yes, when a man says "I Love
You" his insides turn with fear and worry about being able to provide
all those I just mentioned. Love to woman often means security. Love to
a man often means work! When a man is having sex with a woman he is
allowed to feel his love for her free of all the 'work' that comes with
the word love. He can open himself up and feel not being taken,
drained, or pressured to provide... but experience the pure joy of
mutual giving and taking with no other reason than loving bliss.
Infidelity, having an affair, cheating, adultery, unfaithful, cheater. It doesn't matter what you call it, if you don't learn why men cheat, you'll never learn how to keep a man faithful.
A man also seeks in his mate a buddy or a pal:
This is when he feels his needs for acceptance being taken care of. A
man wants his woman to be his best friend, his pal. He wants her to
share an interest in his activities. This, in turn, makes him feel you
are showing an interest in him! If he wants to golf, or fish, and you
show no interest at all in joining him, he feels like his likes are
unacceptable to you. Like you somehow don't approve of him or have
interests in him. When you join him you provide his need for you to be
interested, and accepting of him. He feels attractive, comfortable, and
secure. He feels validated and understood (Hence the good old adultery
line "She doesn't understand me!") By joining in his hobbies and
activities you are showing him you are interested in him and accept
everything about him, and that you trust him to make you happy.
Not finding his mate physically attractive:
Oh, OUCH! This one hurts, but it is true. Men are definitely creatures
of visual stimulation. Note the marketable comparison in the amount of
men's 'girlie' magazines (they are meant to tantalize, tease, and whet
the appetite) as compared to women's 'boyie' magazines. Women sometimes
forget this need because they don't have the same visual needs. Women
feel love, and that bond excites them. Men see it!
Unhappy or dysfunctional homelife: Calm
surroundings, happy kids, dinner on the stove and a loving wife
welcoming him with open arms makes a man feel appreciated and rewarded
for all his hard work that he does to provide for his family. He feels
acknowledged, appreciated, and compensated by a happy, grateful family.
He is not a failure!
An unhappy wife, messy home, and unruly children can somehow be turned
around as proof to him that as a man he is a failure. He feels lack of
admiration and sees no praise for his accomplishments or talents. Wow!
Men are such work, and now we have to tell them they are great too?
Yes, men need, I mean NEED the approval and admiration of their mates.
He wants to be reassured that she thinks he is great. A master
mechanic, a tower of strength, a sex god! A great provider, and the
hardest working man in the world!
Basically, if a man is continuously lacking in any of these above needs
for any length of time, he may subconsciously fall prey to getting them
met 'outside' of the relationship. What might at first had started out
as an innocent lunch meet at the office with a co-worker, could
eventually evolve into a relationship when he sees his emotional needs
being taken care of by this other woman (who may not even be aware she
is doing it!). That is not to say he set out to cheat. Most cheaters
weren't even consciously aware they were getting involved with another
woman until they WERE already involved. They got caught in getting
their needs met and completely were unaware of the outcome. Yes, his
affair with another woman can definitely lead to love for her and his
mate may eventually lose him to this other woman. This is because, as
the man becomes more comfortable with his lover, the void and distance
subsequently placed in his marriage begins to grow. His mate and him
eventually lose all but passing everyday communication...creating an
even larger emotional distance. This distance just more confirms his
victim status and lack of satisfaction with his mate and paves way to
enhance an even more open communication between the other woman and
him, resulting in more a feeling of fulfillment with her over his mate.
As he becomes closer to getting his emotional needs met with his new
lover and less with his mate the tables turn and he begins to fall in
love with the other woman and feels less and less love for his mate.
This doesn't always necessarily mean he will chose the other women over
his mate--as men tend to be motivated out of guilt . This feeling of
guilt may make many men remain with their mate, while still seeing his
lover on the side, simply out of guilt of leaving her, hurting her, or
the pain he is causing his family and his children. Many men stay in
unhappy marriages, not because of obligation, or love for their mates,
but rather out of guilt or feelings of shame.
SIGNS THAT HE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR
There are certain signs men give when they are having an affair. But
even before we discuss these let me just say this. If you have a
history of special emotional insecurities, such as a very low
self-esteem, overly strong feelings of mistrust in men, or issues with
jealousy and insecurity, then suspecting your mate of having an affair
may just be a result of your own issues and insecurities and less
likely of his really having an affair. However, let me say this, if you
are a relatively secure woman, who is generally trusting, non jealous,
and have had a relatively satisfactory amount of security in your
relationship with your mate and you find that you are suddenly and
repeatedly dismissing 'clues' of an affair, or if you have been lately
trying too hard to convince yourself that he would never have an
affair, then odds are that he is having an affair. Women need to trust
their intuitions and 'gut feelings'. If we are basically confident,
self-assured women, with no past history of insecurities, overt
jealousy, or mistrust issues, and we suddenly start to wonder,
well...figure it out for yourself, SOMETHING had to place that doubt or
perception of uneasiness in our minds, and most likely it wasn't us.
Some of the first signs of an affair is a subtle change in your
partner's behavior. You sense that "something is different" in the
relationship.Your mate becomes emotionally distant or emotionally
unavailable. He is no longer as supportive as he once was, and you may
feel as if he is pulling away. Could he have a secret?
Just like the signs of cancer, a mate having an affair will display
changes in his normal patterns of behavior. He is suddenly spending
more time away from you or your home. His demeanor has changed as he
begins to pay more attention to his appearance. He may even begin an
exercise regimen, purchase new clothes, comb his hair in a different
way, or even buy a flashier car. He begins more and more to be less
attentive to you, and he may either become more or less interested in
sex. His character changes. All of sudden a man who was the life of the
party becomes quiet--or an introvert suddenly becomes more outgoing and
sociable. He may make subtle referrals or comments about dreams of what
he wants to accomplish in his future where in the past he was content
with his standing in life. He may become disagreeable, short-tempered,
vague, or easily distracted. He may seem to be daydreaming.
Have a great week everyone! For
more information about getting the attention you need and deserve read, How to Gain Back Your Attraction, at http://winbacktheirattraction.com
published by Tigress Luv & Glass Slipper Publishing, author of, Why Women Cheat. For more
breakup advice and forums please join us at the Lifted Hearts Breakup
Support Forums & Community at http://liftedhearts.com.
Stop your breakup here!
Thank you for visiting! Tigress
Luv, The Breakup Guru
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