Trash Talking Ex...
by Tigress Luv
I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen in a couple of years. He was
very happy to see me, as I was him, and we chatted for a while
amicably. Just one short week later I, again, ran into him. This time
he had been sitting right next to my ex. Now, and as most of you may
know, my ex is a narcissist - which means that he is highly
self-trained in the art of deception... in other words, my ex is a
manipulative liar hiding behind the mask of a likable, honest and good
Although one must feel sorry for a narcissist, it can still be very,
very hard to be the 'ex' of one (see 'Breaking Up With You Narcissist at breakingupwithyournarcissist.com). They will trash talk you to anyone who
will listen, and they are very convincing.
Lies mean nothing to a narcissist; they simply want to look like the
'better' party no matter what...
getting back to my story, I
walked over to my old friend and cheerfully greeted him. I was rather
taken aback by his reaction! He was VERY curt, almost rude, even
pretending poorly to not hear me at first. He finally said, very
discarding and dismissively, "oh... hi."
There's one very important thing that I have learned during all my
years of working with people who have gone through - or are going through
- a breakup...and that's the absolute devastation that comes with
'gossip'. There is this crazy notion that many people going through a
breakup get... and it's this: "Let me get to all our friends
first, trash my ex, invent or reveal damaging secrets about them, and
try to save my face in the breakup so that I look like the damaged
party and my ex looks like the bad one."
Many of us mistakenly believe that if we trash our ex we will look
good... that we can manipulate all our mutual friends - and even some
'non-mutual' acquaintances - into thinking 'poorly' of our ex, and
'highly' of us, and then we will teach our ex a 'lesson', save our own
face, or even punish our ex by making damn sure that no one likes our
ex anymore. WRONG! Even if your ex is doing the same thing (trashing
you) the worst thing you can do is trash them back. The BEST thing you
can do is to say NOTHING. Not ONE BAD WORD about your ex.
By allowing your ex to trash you, and by not trashing them back or
defending yourself, you will come out on top. Trust me. Once the
breakup blows over, people will see the truth, and they will see that
you ARE the better person, the one they can trust more. You know how to
keep your mouth shut and you don't talk about people behind their back;
you, more simply put, have more class. Therefore, you WILL look like
the better party, come out on top, and your ex will have hung
themselves with their back-stabbing and trash talk.
This isn't to say that it doesn't hurt. When someone you cared about
talks poorly of you, it cuts deep. And, unfortunately, during a breakup
you may not only lose your lover, but you may also lose the 'mutual'
friends that you two once shared. They may all choose to remain friends only with
your ex, or they may not. However, by trashing your ex
really endearing these people to you; you're only making yourself look
bad. The best thing you can do is to simply not say a word. By
remaining neutral you will come out on top, be the better person, and
show far more class.
The less bad-mouthing you do, and the more you display a sweet-natured
and sunny disposition, the more people will gravitate back to you and
away from your 'gossipy' ex. Trust me on this one. There is no good to
be had by badmouthing your ex. In fact, what you might be doing is
exactly what you don't want to do - giving the impression that every
bad thing they say about you is true! You may be making yourself look
exactly like the 'psycho-ex' that he or she is claiming you to be
should you trash them, or talk bad about them.
If someone approaches you and says that your ex said this or that about
you, simply hold your head up high and DON'T GO THERE. Say something
* "Well, I'm very sorry to hear that they (you) feel that way."
* "I'm sorry that you had to listen to his or her rant."
* "I apologize that he or she felt the need to involve you in
our private lives."
....etc., don't deny it, don't stick up for yourself, just simply
apologize to the person for the fact that your ex had to 'bother' them
with your private matters. For even more emphasis, you can click your tongue gently, crease your eye brows in a compassion frown, and then shake your head softly in sad disbelief. Then let it go. Don't
confront your ex. Don't badmouth your ex back. Don't react. Just let it
go. You will remain the sane, calm one and your ex will look like a
total loony tunes. You will also pave a smoother road to travel down
should the two of you reunite some time in the future, or if you two
share children together.
In fact, do you want to know what the absolute BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER
is? This.... just display a concerned face and say very
sympathetically, "That's really so sad to hear. It breaks my
heart to know that I have hurt him/her so badly."
There is a scene in the movie, "Walk the Line",
where the character, June Carter (played by Reese Witherspoon), is
confronted in a store by a rude woman who makes a derogatory comment
something to the effect that June's divorce must have shamed her
family. The woman states, "Your ma and pa are good Christians
in a world gone to pot." June Carter smiles sweetly and says,
"I'll tell them you said that." The woman then
continues on, "I'm surprised they still speak to you after
that stunt with Carl Smith. Divorce is an abomination. Marriage is for
life." To that, June Carter simply replies back, "I'm
sorry I let you down, Ma'am". She didn't defend herself; she
didn't say anything nasty back. She didn't get offended. She simply
apologized to the woman that the woman had to have a negative feeling.
Hypocritically, this woman had hung herself. After all, a really good
Christian woman wouldn't have ever made such a comment... "judge
not lest ye be judged" ("Do not judge, or you too will be
judged" - Matthew 7:1).
Gossip benefits the gossiper by making them feel like they 'fit in' or
'belong'. Remember that most people who talk bad about other people do
so to place themselves in an 'allied' position. Gossip creates a
'unified force' with those they are relating to by giving each party a
shared 'common' enemy. Thus, gossiping about another can be a mutual
bond one shares with those of like minds or thoughts; a bond that helps
unite them and make them feel an accepted 'part of the pack'.
Some people take this to extreme, as in the case with adolescent
teenagers who form cliques or 'groups' (especially predominant with
females) where within these 'cliques' another (outcast by them) female
student can become the source of their 'special' common thread. This
'clique' then becomes an exclusive circle of people with a common bond
- socially ostracizing or berating a specific girl outside of their
clique. "We all hate so-and-so'". This common
'dislike' strengthens the clique and is the glue that holds them
together. It doesn't matter if so-and-so deserves the abomination of
being outcast and talked about or not. The outcasting will still spread
like a plague, forming a 'common bond' among this group that has now
been united in the mutual 'badmouthing' of her.
Cancerous unities such as this can scar these
'outcast' girls for life, causing extreme damage that can range from
simply dropping out of school and losing out on an education - all the
way to something as devastating as suicide. It causes many a tear to
fall, and forms an emotional damage that can scar these girls all
throughout their lives and even into their old age.
All in all, there is nothing to be gained in talking bad about your ex.
You're not forming a united 'clique'. You're only making yourself look
bad. So bite your tongue and let it go. Gossip is a canker sore. Do you
want everybody to see that ugly mouth ulcer every time you move your
Advice from Wikihow on handling insults:
1. Don't react: Keep your expression completely neutral, and just shake
2. Understand: Anger, hurt and insecurity are
the root of most insults. If you hurt someone, even unintentionally,
they may respond with angry insults. Also, insecure people tend to call
attention to the shortcomings of others (even if untrue) in order to
cover up for their own perceived inadequacies. Don't retaliate.
3. Don't insult them back: It just adds fuel to the fire.
4. Don't defend: If you're asked why the guy/girl is acting like that
toward you, say honestly that you don't know. Don't trash talk them to
anyone. In that way, they look like (what they probably are) a loony
freak, and you look like an innocent, injured person.
See me other newsletter on this subject at "I'm the Psycho Ex-Bitch -- http://tigressluv.com/psycho_ex_bitch.html
Finding forgiveness for those who have hurt us is very beneficial to
our post-breakup peace of mind. For information on finding forgiveness
please read, How to Get Over a Breakup.
Today's Inspiration, Poem
"Do not take another's bad opinion of you as the truth. Nothing others
think or say about you is about you, but rather a reflection of their
own reality." ~ Tigress Luv, The
Break Up Guru '
Prayer or Thought:
myself to be continually hurt by someone else's actions is not a
healthy part of loving someone. There is a fine line between "healthy,
loving commitment" and "toxic attachment". Only I have control over my
choice to live my life in happiness, or in my own misery. No one can
create my own Heaven and Hell. Only I have the option over denying or
accepting it to be.
Today I'll stop denying the truth if abuse is happening in my life, and
begin taking responsibility for the choices I make."
a reminder that our Breakup
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Thank you for reading this week's newsletter! As always, we welcome
feedback and new ideas for future newsletters.
Have a great week everyone!
more information about getting over the pain of breakup, please read How to Get Over a Breakup
published by Tigress Luv & Glass Slipper Publishing, the Breakup Gurus. For more
breakup advice and forums please join us at the Lifted Hearts Breakup
Support Forums & Community at http://liftedhearts.com.
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