'TRASH TALKING'
Tigress Luv, the Breakup Guru

Recently I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen in a couple of years. He was very happy to see me, as I was him, and we chatted for a while amicably. Just one short week later I, again, ran into him. This time he had been sitting right next to my ex. Now, and as most of you may know, my ex is a narcissist - which means that he is highly self-trained in the art of deception... in other words, my ex is a manipulative liar hiding behind the mask of a likable, honest and good man.

Although one must feel sorry for a narcissist, it can still be very, very hard to be the 'ex' of one. They will trash talk you to anyone who will listen, and they are very convincing. Lies mean nothing to a narcissist; they simply want to look like the 'better' party no matter what. Anyway, getting back to my story, I walked over to my old friend and cheerfully greeted him. I was rather taken aback by his reaction! He was VERY curt, almost rude, even pretending poorly to not hear me at first. He finally said, very discarding and dismissively, "oh... hi."

There's one very important thing that I have learned during all my years working with people who have gone through - or are going through - a breakup...and that's the absolute devastation that comes with 'gossip'. There is this crazy notion that many people going through a breakup get... and it's this: "Let me get to all our friends first, trash my ex, invite or reveal damaging secrets about them, and try to save my face in the breakup so that I look like the damaged party and my ex looks like the bad one."

Many of us mistakenly believe that if we trash our ex we will look good... that we can manipulate all our mutual friends - and even some 'non-mutual' acquaintances - into thinking 'poorly' of our ex, and 'highly' of us, and then we will teach our ex a 'lesson', save our own face, or even punish our ex by making damn sure that no one likes our ex anymore. WRONG! Even if your ex is doing the same thing (trashing you) the worst thing you can do is trash them back. The BEST thing you can do is to say NOTHING. Not ONE BAD WORD about your ex.

By allowing your ex to trash you, and by not trashing them back or defending yourself, you will come out on top. Trust me. Once the breakup blows over, people will see the truth, and they will see that you ARE the better person, the one they can trust more. You know how to keep your mouth shut and you don't talk about people behind their back; you, more simply put, have more class. Therefore, you WILL look like the better party, come out on top, and your ex will have hung themselves with their back-stabbing and trash talk.

This isn't to say that it doesn't hurt. When someone you care about talks poorly of you, it cuts deep. And, unfortunately, during a breakup you may not only lose your lover, but you may also lose the 'mutual' friends that you two once shared. They may all remain friends only with your ex, or they may not. However, by trashing your ex you're not really endearing these people to you; you're only making yourself look bad. The best thing you can do is to simply not say a word. By remaining neutral you will come out on top, be the better person, and show far more class.

The less bad-mouthing you do, and the more you display a sweet-natured and sunny disposition, the more people will gravitate back to you and away from your 'gossipy' ex. Trust me on this one. There is no good to be had by badmouthing your ex. In fact, what you might be doing is exactly what you don't want to do - giving the impression that every bad thing they say about you is true! You may be making yourself look exactly like the 'psycho-ex' that he or she is claiming you to be should you trash them, or talk bad about them.

If someone approaches you and says that your ex said this or that about you, simply hold your head up high and DON'T GO THERE. Say something like,

* "Well, I'm very sorry to hear that you feel that way."

* "I'm sorry that you had to listen to his or her rant."

* "I apologize that he or she felt the need to involve you in our private lives."

....etc., don't deny it, don't stick up for yourself, just simply apologize to the person for the fact that your ex had to 'bother' them with your private matters. Then let it go. Don't confront your ex. Don't badmouth them back. Don't react. Just let it go. You will remain the sane, calm one and your ex will look like a total loony tunes. You will also pave a smoother road to travel down should the two of you reunite some time in the future, or if you two share children together.

In fact, do you want to know what the absolute BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER is? This.... just display a concerned face and say very sympathetically, "That's really so sad to hear. It breaks my heart to know that I have hurt him/her so badly."

There is a scene in the movie, "Walk the Line", where the character, June Carter (played by Reese Witherspoon), is confronted in a store by a rude woman who makes a derogatory comment something to the effect that June's divorce must have shamed her family. The woman states, "Your ma and pa are good Christians in a world gone to pot." June Carter smiles sweetly and says, "I'll tell them you said that." The woman then continues on, "I'm surprised they still speak to you after that stunt with Carl Smith. Divorce is an abomination. Marriage is for life." To that, June Carter simply replies back, "I'm sorry I let you down, Ma'am". She didn't defend herself; she didn't say anything nasty back. She didn't get offended. She simply apologized to the women that the woman had to have a negative feeling. Hypocritically, this woman had hung herself. After all, a really good Christian woman wouldn't have ever made such a comment... "judge not lest ye be judged" ("Do not judge, or you too will be judged" - Matthew 7:1).

Gossip benefits the gossiper by making them feel like they 'fit in' or 'belong'. Remember that most people who talk bad about other people do so to place themselves in an 'allied' position. Gossip creates a 'unified force' with those they are relating to by giving each party a shared 'common' enemy. Thus, gossiping about another can be a mutual bond one shares with those of like minds or thoughts; a bond that helps unite them and make them feel an accepted 'part of the pack'.

Some people take this to extreme, as in the case with adolescent teenagers who form cliques or 'groups' (especially predominant with females) where within these 'cliques' another (outcast by them) female student can become the source of their 'special' common thread. This 'clique' then becomes an exclusive circle of people with a common bond - socially ostracizing or berating a specific girl outside of their clique. "We all hate so-and-so'". This common 'dislike' strengthens the clique and is the glue that holds them together. It doesn't matter if so-and-so deserves the abomination of being outcast and talked about or not. The outcasting will still spread like a plague, forming a 'common bond' among this group that has now been united in the mutual 'badmouthing' of her.

Cancerous unities such as this can scar these 'outcast' girls for life, causing extreme damage that can range from simply dropping out of school and losing out on an education - all the way to something as devastating as suicide. It causes many a tear to fall, and forms an emotional damage that can scar these girls all throughout their lives and even into their old age.

All in all, there is nothing to be gained in talking bad about your ex. You're not forming a united 'clique'. You're only making yourself look bad. So bite your tongue and let it go. Gossip is a canker sore. Do you want everybody to see that ugly mouth ulcer every time you move your lips?

Advice from Wikihow on handling insults:

1. Don't react: Keep your expression completely neutral, and just shake your head.

2. Understand: Anger, hurt and insecurity are the root of most insults. If you hurt someone, even unintentionally, they may respond with angry insults. Also, insecure people tend to call attention to the shortcomings of others (even if untrue) in order to cover up for their own perceived inadequacies. Don't retaliate.

3. Don't insult them back: It just adds fuel to the fire.

4. Don't defend: If you're asked why the guy/girl is acting like that toward you, say honestly that you don't know. Don't trash talk them to anyone. In that way, they look like (what they probably are) a loony freak, and you look like an innocent, injured person.

Finding forgiveness for those who have hurt us is very beneficial to our post-breakup peace of mind. For information on finding forgiveness please read, How to Get Over a Breakup.

Section 2

Today's Inspiration, Poem or Quote:

"Do not take another's bad opinion of you as the truth. Nothing others think or say about you is about you, but rather a reflection of their own reality." ~ Tigress Luv, The Break Up Guru '

Today's Prayer or Thought:

"Allowing myself to be continually hurt by someone else's actions is not a healthy part of loving someone. There is a fine line between "healthy, loving commitment" and "toxic attachment". Only I have control over my choice to live my life in happiness, or in my own misery. No one can create my own Heaven and Hell. Only I have the option over denying or accepting it to be.

Today I'll stop denying the truth if abuse is happening in my life, and begin taking responsibility for the choices I make." ~ Tigress Luv, The Break Up Guru.

Just a reminder that our Brokenheartsville Community has room for you! Membership is only $19 to YOU at http://brokenheartsville.com !

Thank you for reading this week's newsletter! As always, I welcome feedback and new ideas for future newsletters.

Have a great week everyone!

Tiggy

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For more information about getting over the pain of breakup, please read How to Get Over a Breakup, by Tigress Luv, the Breakup Guru.

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