by Tigress Luv
The following are excerpts and notes from the ebook, Breaking
Up With a Narcissist: Living with, loving, and leaving a narcissist.
How to survive it all!
* Do you ever feel like you are losing control;
imagining things; having severe mental distortions of reality; or are
completely, totally out of your mind?
* Do you often swing from elated feelings of happiness to severe
feelings of deep depression?
* Are you sometimes struggling to smile?
* Do you think about your partner and your relationship all
* Do you rehash moments with him and try to figure out what really
happened, and if your perceptions of the situation were real or just in
you answered yes to these questions then you are with a toxic
Toxic Men slowly suck our happiness and our loving, nurturing spirit
out of us. We become confused, insecure, depressed zombies...yet our
Toxic Men walk around as if nothing has happened, not seeming
to notice our depression and unhappiness at all, leaving us
to feel unloved; unwanted; unappreciated; disrespected; invisible;
abused; sad; and alone. These men are Toxic to all women that they are
in a deep relationship with.
A Toxic Man is a combination of a narcissistic man; a commitmentphobic
man; a codependent man; a histrionic man; a man with split personality
disorder; a power-hungry control freak; a martyr; a misogynist; a man with
borderline personality; and an abuser, yet he
doesn't really or precisely belong to any one of these groups alone. He
behaves like an adult-sized wounded, selfish child. He is simply a
Toxic Man cuts your hearts to pieces. His blatant bad thoughts and
opinions of you make you feel so ashamed, ugly, and unattractive!
Nothing hurts worse than to have the one you love focus on and
exaggerate all your negative points (or even invent some that you don't
have) and dismiss and downplay your positive points. Most people can't
understand the pain associated with this, as they have never had a
partner look for the bad in them so exhaustingly as the Toxic Man will.
This pain can be far more severe than the pain of a broken heart,
abuse, or desertion. We feel simply horrible about ourselves when
we are around the Toxic Man.
mean, wouldn't it be great if you could have your Toxic Man look at you
again with all that love and admiration that he did in the beginning?
That very special look that he will give the new woman in his life once
you finally leave him? Hurts, huh?
'Devaluing' their mate is an abuse tactic often used by narcissists in
a breakup. To read up about narcissists and why they demonize or
devalue you - plus their other 'subtle' abuse tactics, please visit Breaking Up
With Your Narcissist.)
Many Faces of Toxic Men (Abusers)
* Feels entitled,
ask for more than he gives back.
Feels like you "owe" him.
Exaggerates and overvalues his own contributions.
Keeps a "mental list" of everything he's ever done and wants constant
payback for them.
Thinks he is owed tremendous gratitude for meeting the ordinary
responsibilities of every day life (and takes your contribution for
When he is
generous and giving to you - it's only to prove to himself , and
others, that he is a good person. If you need something he accuses you
of being self-centered and he tells everybody how selfish and
ungrateful you are, and acts hurt because of all he's done for you. He gets furious if anything is demanded of him and switches every conversation back to
being about him.
The "Demand Man" believes that what he
is worth is who he is so he overvalues his self-worth. Just ask him! Oh yes, he will tell you! In his mind he
believes he works harder, makes more money, has greater
responsibilities, has better assets, has more demands put on him, has
more clout, contributes more, is more generous...more, better,
* Is an expert at everything.
Talks in a condescending voice and acts like you are an imbecile
incapable of taking care of yourself.
* Emits an air of superiority!
* Any conflict is a clash between right and wrong - intelligence and
stupidity - him being right, of course, and you being wrong.
* He twists anything you say to make it sound wrong. Everybody is stupid
to this person, as he is so certain of his own supreme intelligence. If
you argue with him he will take it as a sign of your own ignorance and
His partner will
end up questioning their own intelligence.
He not only knows
all the answers to everything, he tells you that how you run your own
life is wrong. He knows ALL your faults. Mr. Right delights in
correcting you in front of others (to point out his own intelligence
and his sainthood for putting up with you).
He punishes you
for having your own mind.
He imposes his
beliefs and opinions, caring little about considering yours.
The Water Torturer! (Killing Me Softly With His Words!)
This man knows
how to get under your skin. By remaining calm and level-headed to make
you look crazy.
When arguing he
will often have a superior or contemptuous grin on his face.
He uses a low,
calm, stead voice to impose his psychological superiority over you, and
often mimics you, laughs at you, or insults you.
Quiet calm is
used by this man to disguise his abusive and controlling acts against
you. Talks to you as if you were a mental patient and he the doctor in
control. Talks down to you as if you were nuts.
you of being abusive and out of control once he
drives you to the brink. Then he claims you are irrational and acting
crazy while he is in complete control and it is
not he who is the one starting an argument.
This Toxic Man's
tactics are difficult to recognize and identify. When a woman can't
make a concrete evaluation and has nothing to label their partner with
they can become extremely distraught and deeply scared. If someone hits
you, you know it and you can relate it to your friends, but when
someone tries to drive you nuts, and appears to be sane, level-headed,
rational, and innocent while doing it, you can't describe it to your
family or friends and you end up feeling like maybe you are 'nuts'. You
most likely aren't even aware of it, it being so subtle and appearing
so sane. You can't even describe something that's going on when
you don't even know it is going on.
If you confront
the Water Torturer he acts like he doesn't know what you are talking
about. To friends and even your children, it looks like he is so
laid-back and calm (low key) and that you blow up over nothing. "Kids,
your mom is flipping out again..."
He is oppressive
and stifling. Cynical and cocky.
He makes you feel
like you are crazy and out of control. He acts like you get 'set off'
by anything and everything and makes you look like you are the one with
the problem. And, unfortunately, everybody else believes this, too.
Watches you like
a hawk. Denies you strength and independence.
Runs every aspect
of your life, from criticizing everything you do, to telling you where
you can and can't go. This Toxic Man is not above dictating who you
friends will be; how you should cook and clean; listening in on your
phone calls; reading your emails; asking people (even enlisting the
children) to spy on you when he is gone; setting curfews; fathering
you; and removing your freedom.
He is overly
jealous, accuses you of cheating, and questions you even when you just
casually look at another man. He dislikes women, and is irrationally
possessive and policing. It's all about possession to him, and not
fidelity - and thusly so more than likely the
Prison Guard is the one having the affair himself.
It is difficult
to get away from The Prison Guard as he monitors your activities to the
max - even quitting his job, etc, to not let you out of his sight. He
isolates you from friends and family. Removes your finances. Ruins your
car. Holds you virtually as a prisoner.
Mr. Sensitive is
overly in touch with his emotions and feels sorry for himself, blaming
you for hurting him. He thinks he is a gift to women because, unlike
most men, he is in touch with his feelings. Mr. Sensitive will forget
every nice thing said to him and dwell on the one insult you threw at
him when you were deeply hurt by his self-focused actions.
This Toxic Man takes everything to
heart. If you aren't careful he will take everything you say and do the
wrong way, and then be off to sit on his pity-pot for days, hugging his
wounded self and reaffirming his victim status.
He comes on
strong in the beginning and is a fantastic lover in bed, then you
notice his interest in you starts to wane as he openly stares - no,
make that 'ogles' - other women. You start to hear rumors...
You tend to get
angry at the 'other women' rather than The Player himself.
He makes you feel
like you are the 'special one', and that other women are jealous of
you, or angry at him because he turned down their advances, or because
he 'dropped' them for you. He claims all of his past women, or 'other
women', were abusive, deranged, needy, or obsessed with him.
You can never
really be sure of his faithfulness. He tries to make you jealous, then
accuses you of being untrusting and insecure. You start to feel that
every woman is a threat to you; your best friend, your co-worker, your
neighbor, your sister, even your very own mother!
You tend to keep
these other women away from you so as not to expose him to them.
You feel like you
are put on a shelf, ignored, forgotten, and put away until he is ready
for you again.
may get angry with
you if you catch him cheating, even though he is
the one that should have deserved the anger.
He sees all women
as playthings or toys, rather than takes them seriously. Most likely
his mother "worked" for him and his father, rather than she was an
He may believe
that women are strictly sexual objects and that it is totally unfair of
you to expect him to not be tempted by them.
Should you avoid
the 'charming' man who gets defensive if you question his actions that
affect you? Yes! An inability to accept disagreement and criticism is a
bad sign. Not every charmer is an abuser - but many, MANY
abusers are "pathological charmers".
This Toxic Man
thinks he is the toughest guy in the world. He believes women need
protecting and all females are inferior to men. He
also believes women are put here on this Earth simply to be subservient
slaves to their men. He treats women as if they were 'things' -
possessions, trophies, his harem. He thinks that men need to 'keep
women in line', and often makes remarks pertaining to this matter.
He talks louder thank you. In fact, he
over-talks you! He dominates conversations. He never hears the other
side. He is pushy, stubborn, and headstrong.
Victim (Poor Me!)
Life has treated
him unfair. His exes were all terrible to him, and they even try to
keep him from seeing his kids. He has been the sad victim of psychotic
women, a corrupt legal system, and an unfair work environment. His exes
are all "wicked", evil witches.
Victims not only
exhibit anger with their exes, but also DISRESPECT and CONTEMPT towards
them. Warning signs should be heeded when a man blames his ex for the
entire demise of their relationship. Even if he admits to some
wrong-doing on his part ("Yes, I cheated on her, but...")
he still blames it on her saying her 'evil' ways drove him to do it.
She is always the reason why he did something 'wrong'. He takes no
responsibility for any bad in his relationships!
Most Victims will claim that their
exes were abusive, when in reality he was the abusive one. Most Victims
claim that their exes were controlling or wanted to wear the pants and
be in power. "She was a spoiled, demanding princess!"
warned, this is how he will describe you, should
your relationship reach an end!
He is all about
him, poor poor him, and he wraps himself up in self-pity, licking his
imagined wounds, and tries to enlist his family, friends, and even the
kids, to feel sorry for him. He claims no one understands him, and he
may appear to assume the blame, but, in reality, he feels totally
blameless. He can easily convince others that you are cruel,
controlling, abusive, mean, angry, lazy, unappreciative, disrespectful,
etc., and that he is so wonderful but wrongfully wounded by
nasty ol' you. You psycho bitch!
He can mirror his
troubles and issues onto others, easily reversing them to be the issues
belonging to that of his partner. Whatever you see wrong in
him, is the exact thing he 'claims' is wrong with you! "No,
you're the one who..."
Victims are prone
to depression, which is the same as getting caught up in self-pity -
the 'poor-me' mode. Victims feel so victimized at times that they
become insomniac, anxiety ridden, antisocial, and even suicidal. They
do not see reality, but distort it to be cruel - to him.
Victims become bitter, resentful, and vengeful.
often assume the mantle of victimhood and martyrhood. Acting the
eternal victim allows them to garner sympathy and support, abuse their
victims by proxy, and still feel morally superior.
These Toxic Men
have quite a highly distorted self-image. They are unable to accept the
fact that they might have flaws or faults, and therefore are unable to
imagine how other perceive them. In public Narcissistic men are
charming and confident. In private they are nasty and dismissive. Clues
to the presence of this toxicity includes:
partner's self-centeredness is severe, and it carries over into
situations that don't involve you
seems to relate everything back to himself
is outraged whenever anyone criticizes him and is incapable of
considering that he could ever be anything other than kind and generous
- he becomes hypervigilant to any 'negative' words that others might use
lacks compassion or sympathy for others
may have a 'fake' public self that involves a charming persona that
captivates people. He holds these 'admirers' more dear to him, and
treats them with more love, respect, and kindness than he does his own
wife and children
arrogant and without shame or remorse
overly envious and may be highly insulting or critical of people whom
he deems to have more than him, or be better than him in some degree,
such as looks, talent, wealth, or career
Nothing is ever
his fault. He blames something or someone for anything that goes wrong.
As time goes by, the target of his blame increasingly becomes you. This
style of man also tends to make promises that he doesn't keep, coming
up with excuses for disappointing you or behaving irresponsibly and
perhaps taking serious economic advantage of you in the process.
self-centered, and feels he does a lot more than he actually does. He
takes more than his share of the conversation, turning every
subject back around to him. He listens poorly when you speak, and
chronically shifts the topic of conversation back to himself.
Unfortunately, self-centeredness is a personality characteristic that
is highly resistant to change, as it has deep roots in either profound
entitlement (in abusers) or severe early emotional injuries (in
non-abusers), or both (in narcissistic abusers).
He treats you
like gold when anyone is watching, is angry with you and bitter and
spiteful when no one else is around to see.
Tries to turn you
against your family, friends, and even your children,
especially if the children are from a previous relationship and they're
not his children. You can place none above him!
are highly resistant to change, as their inflated ego makes it
difficult for them to see their real selves.
Narcissists are addicted to narcissistic supply (attention, admiration,
adulation, being feared, etc.). They are master flirts and charmers, as
the more admiration they can 'suck' out of people, the higher their own
feelings of self-glory. They don't take well to criticism and/or
disagreement. They are easily slighted and develop narcissistic
injuries. The narcissism reacts with narcissistic rage,
hatred, aggression, or violence to an infringement of what he perceives
to be his entitlement. Any insinuation; hint; intimation; or direct
declaration that the narcissism is not special at all, that he is
average; common; wrong; imperfect; flawed; or not even sufficiently
idiosyncratic to warrant a fleeting interest will inflame the
Narcissist often become abusive when faced with insults or derogatory
remarks about themselves. In most people abuse is bred by fear – fear
of being mocked or betrayed, emotional insecurity, anxiety, panic, and
apprehension - but in the NPD man, abuse is triggered by the very
thought of facing the statement that they are imperfect. This fear can
be exaggerated when they are with someone who knows them well, and
therefore someone who can logically point out their imperfections in a
realistic and truthful way. It is a last ditch effort to maintain their
delusions of grandeur that the NPD man may become physically abusive
toward any individual who may provoke them by relating personal insults
against their character based on truth and facts. The NPD man will
often choose to not associate with anyone who has uncovered or exposed
the NPD's true 'less-than-perfect' self.
type of Toxic Man does not give himself the right to be imperfect.
The Toxic Man and Abuse
Toxic Men almost always turn their love interest into their enemies or
rivals. Normal disagreements are 'wars' to Toxic Men, and love is
simply a power-struggle game with a 'winner' (him!) and a 'loser'
(you!). They are notorious for turning and twisting grievances about
them into them being the hero and you being the one at fault.
is no arguing with a Toxic Man because he sees arguments as all-out,
no-holds-barred battles and he has to be the
winner. There can be no mutually happy solution to any disagreement -
one where both parties walk away feeling heard and feeling like their
needs were met and understood. Oh no! This is war and only he
can win. He is the complete authority. He holds a carte
blanche. There can be NOTHING wrong with him, and he must make
you KNOW THAT! He can twist and insult and psychologically stage a
verbal assault on you that will leave you wishing for a quick and
painless death. After a while the partner of a Toxic Man stops coming
to him and begins to keep everything to herself, and thus so, becomes
withdrawn and depressed. And, this, too, he will even use
against her. "Why are you always so mopey and depressed? I was embarrassed at the party last night - you
looked like it was the end of the world!"
As I explain a typical situation that happened to me just recently, I'm
sure you will be able to relate to it. My mate is a 'Toxic Man'. Being
a Toxic Man, everything is always about him. Of course, if confronted
about this Toxic Man will deny this and claim just the opposite! He may
not even be consciously aware of this, as most Toxic Men are extremely
codependent and believe that they do and do for others, but everything
always boils down to what he gets out of it. So, each and every one of
my days is about supporting him in his career, patiently and
supportively listening as he talks to me about his latest work, walking
in his shadow in public, kissing up to him and listening to him talk,
talk, talk about him, him, him. I am - as I'm sure you all can relate
to - virtually invisible in his life and in our relationship. So you
can imagine how excited I was that he promised me he would read a book
I had written on the following Sunday. Sunday! It was going to be a day
about me! A day just about me, Tigress, and not
about him, him, him! The excitement lived in me for those few days
prior to Sunday. Sunday was going to be a day he actually was going to
notice someone else besides him him him, or show an interest
in me me me, and acknowledge that there
even was a ME!
Well, you guessed it. Friday comes along. Him. Saturday comes along.
Him. Sunday comes along. He didn't even mention the book. Not one word.
IT DIDN'T EVEN COME INTO HIS HEAD! He said he was going to work on his
hobbies a little. Do some yard work. Drive to the store and get
something for his hobby. Maybe download some more 'this and
that' song for his massive music 'collection'. Blah, blah,
blah. Oh, the hurt I went through was tremendous! I couldn't even
speak. I was crushed! It wasn't going to be about me after all - not
even for one day, for one afternoon, not even for one friggin' hour! I
felt like I had been killed on Wednesday and he had just stepped over
my decaying body as nonchalantly as if he were walking around a mud
It was hard to talk to him. I got depressed. I couldn't hang around the
house, but yet I couldn't find the energy to leave. It was as if my
whole world had just collapsed and my will to go on sucked out of me. I
know this sounds dramatic, but when you are ignored and stuck on a back
'the-annoying-bitch' burner for so very long - and then you get that
hope that sometime very soon he will 'notice you' - it is devastating
when that hope vanishes. Hope is what keeps us going. Our hopes and
dreams are what makes us want to wake up in the morning. But Toxic Man
has no clue. Because he cares not. He is completely ignorant to his
hurtful ways. He just can't see beyond himself. He
has no empathy, no compassion, for other's emotions. He doesn't even
think they have emotions or feelings, let alone 'rights' to show them
to him. He hasn't even considered that fact because to Toxic Men others
are just extensions of him, him, him.
Eventually, a couple days later, I mentioned to him how much he had
hurt me. I regretted doing it almost immediately. Why hadn't I just
kept it to myself, like I have learned to do so many times before? He
denied it! He denied doing it. He denied my pain. Like he knows how I feel. He dismissed it all. Made me feel like I was the reason he
didn't read it. He made up excuses off the top of his head, grasping at
anything in order to NOT feel he did something
wrong, and then he rationalized his excuses..."I thought you
said you lost it...." He was right - I had said that, but he also
knew that afterwards I had found
the book, after all, and he even saw me sitting on the couch reading
it! "I couldn't find it"...Huh? Did you look? Did
you ask me? Wasn't it right there on the bed stand all week? Then he
became all agitated and angry with me, as Toxic Men will do when you
have any sort of grievance with them.
started yelling at me "Then go get the damned book
and I'll read it right now!!!" Oh, ouch - would you
think that that would have made me want to jump
right up and go get the book? Would it have made you want to? Of course
not! Later he claims to have 'begged' me 'over and over' to let him
read 'the damned book'. And I'm sure he believes he did that very
thing, too. Maybe when he was screaming at me like I was a baby
throwing a temper tantrum. "Then go get the damned
book and I'll read it right now!!!"
after living with the Toxic Man for a while you do begin to
get an attitude yourself. You can't stand to look at him. You
feel loathe for him more often than you feel love. You feel just so...
so.... EWWWW!!!!! Why can't he ever see you or show an interest in you? I mean REAL, GENUINE interest and
inquisitiveness. Not a fake, "how are you today?" and then start
talking about himself before you can even open your mouth to tell him.
Why can't he ever say something nice and actually feel those
nice thoughts? Why is it always him, him, him?
an example: the other night we sat together for a long time and he
talked about him, his work, his what-if's and wouldn't it be funny if he
... yadda, yadda.... the same as we do almost nightly in his
'Side of the House'. During these hours I said exactly two things that
were about me. Both of the times that I opened my mouth he immediately
cut me off. The first time I started to speak I said "The other day I
found this old ring I had and..." and he cut me off right there and
said "hold that thought" and then he left the room. I never returned to
my 'thought' when he returned 30-minutes later, and he didn't seem to
notice or even mention it, probably because he didn't even hear me talk
to begin with. The second thing I went to say he cut me off again, and
started on about him. I didn't speak again after that...as I haven't
for months. Who would listen, anyway? Now I can
talk, mind you - and I do talk, but never about me and never to him. That holds
no special interest to him at all. He would yawn and within seconds
turn the conversation back around to him.
The Arguing Style of a Toxic Man
I give you a typical argument with Toxic Man:
Her: It breaks my heart that you
apparently don't care about hurting my feelings. You haven't even
Toxic Man (Loud, angry, and defensive [as usual]
when confronted with a grievance): APOLOGIZE!? FOR WHAT? I
didn't do anything! I begged you repeatedly to let
me read the damned book, for crissake!
Her (not wanting to get verbally slammed, like she
knows, from past history, is now surely coming her way):
Never mind. Forget it.
Toxic Man (Still angry and sarcastic):
I'm sorry... I just don't get it... I don't have a supreme ANALYTICAL
SUPER BRAIN like you!
Her (fully aware now of the verbal onslaught that
is going to take place): "Supreme analytical super brain"?
Toxic Man (still sarcastic and angry):
You have to analyze everything to DEATH! It is hell living with you.
You can't ever let anything rest!!!
Her: I don't analyze everything to death.
Toxic Man: Yes you do. And you always
have an attitude. People are always coming up to me and asking me
what's wrong with you. 'What's wrong with your girlfriend
tonight? Is it okay if I go sit with her? She won't get mad will she?' They're
even scared to go sit down by you! They are just being
polite when they do.
Her: They are not. You're making that up.
Toxic Man: No I'm not, you're just too
stuck on yourself to see. You think you are better than everybody else.
And you mysteriously can switch from bad health to good health when
you're mad, which you always are. You are an angry, ANGRY woman.
A VERY BITTER WOMAN! WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO ANGRY AND BITTER?!
Her (regretting the fact that she even brought it
up to begin with): I'm not always angry. I'm lonely and
you're always mad at me and yelling at me.
Toxic Man: LONELY! HA! I'm with you all
the time. What do you want me to do? Handcuff myself to you?! You are
so damned controlling, everything has got to be about you and what you want. AND I NEVER YELL AT
YOU, THAT'S ALL IN YOUR DAMNED HEAD!
Her: Never mind. You just don't get it.
Toxic Man: No, you just don't get it!
You think everything is supposed to be about you, and if someone
doesn't wrap themselves around your stupid life you get all in a tizzy
about it. Everything has to be your way. You. You. You.
Her: Let it rest, will ya?
Toxic Man: Let it rest? You've had it in
for me ever since you woke up this morning. You can't ever give me a
restful minute without being in my face about something I did wrong again.
The list goes on and on! You're always playing mind games with me.
You're always on my ass about something. YOU ARE NEVER HAPPY! I'm sick
and tired of you always being on my ass! You can stay here, I'm going
into town, I can't stand to be around you anymore. Here I'm just the
houseboy for a bunch of lazy, spoiled kids, anyway.
And with that Toxic Man sulks off, feeling sorry for himself. And she
feels as if she has been slapped in the face. All she wanted was him to sincerely have empathy and compassion
for her; a real, genuine interest in her life; and to acknowledge that
he did something that did have a negative effect on her emotions and
self esteem. But what happened instead was that she was verbally and
psychologically abused, and she was chastised and punished for
having a grievance against him, even if it was a legitimate grievance.
to make matters worse she can't even go to her friends and get
comforted because she can't even explain to herself what just happened,
let alone try to explain to someone else. Seriously, what would she
say? That they had an argument and he called her analytical and sulked
off? It sounds so trifle. No one could possibly understand that she was
just emotionally battered and left to feel uncared for and alone... and
to know for a fact that he truly didn't feel he did anything wrong. And
it was his Toxicity Issue that caused the argument (which she got
blamed for) to begin with. A normal, non-toxic man would have felt
really bad for her and bad about his part in causing her pain, and he
would have sincerely apologized for his ignorance and his thoughtless
To summarize this argument - and every argument with a Toxic
Man - is this: first off, he denies being angry by accusing her of
being full of anger herself (projection*). Secondly, he turns his
having an issue with control back over to her. He accuses her of being
controlling, when, in fact, he is using his anger, his insults, his
loud male voice, and his male dominance over her as a means of which to
control her. Thirdly, he accuses her of making everything about 'her',
yet fails to realize he has turned the argument around from her having
an issue with him, back to him and his
issues with her almost from
he patronized and belittled her by telling her that she fakes illnesses
to suit the situation; that she is over-analytical; and that people
don't like her, but that she's 'just too stuck on herself to see'. Then
he says that she is the one that is mistreating him.
And finally, he is forced to leave because of 'her mistreatment of
him', putting him in the position of being the victim of her
selfishness, and he can further add more to his self-pitying and
self-justification by having to leave his own home and go to town just
to get away from her.
mind you, in my arguments with my Toxic Man I have recently -
on occasions - become somewhat verbal, myself. I first started doing
this a few months back to show him just how hurtful words can be. Now I
sometimes do it just to hurt him back. I know, childish, huh? But
sometimes you can just take so much. Ironically, although Toxic Man can
sling a book of insults at you, he won't recognize it in himself - but
say just one bad thing to him and he will go ballistic. He will stretch
it way out of context and distort it just to fit his self-pitying
victim justification. What this means is that if he goes on and on
insulting me and I call him a name back, he will dwell on it, reword it
to sound much worse than it really was, and then conveniently forget
everything bad he said to me. Now I guess you can say I 'verbally
abused' him too, but in reality I was doing three things: number one,
trying to show him how words can hurt; number two, fighting back
instead of just standing there being a victim; and number three, trying
to repeal his battering of my soul. My verbal insults are not 'abuse',
but rather a symptom of the disease of being abused.
But Toxic Man cannot take any insult at all. You can build up his ego
constantly, and tell him dozens of compliments a day, but say one bad
thing once a year and he will never forgive you. My
Toxic Man can slew insults and sarcastic innuendoes at me all day, but
if I say one thing in return, or in self defense of my wounded and
battered soul, he dwells on it forever. And I mean forever. He
remembers one bad name said to him years ago, yet can't remember the
thousands (millions) of good things said to him each and every week. He
remembers his ex-wife called him selfish. He remembers his ex-wife
called him a hypochondriac. See. Two words in 17 years of marriage and
he still holds it against her.
(FOUND ONLINE: Men who are Toxic rarely consider that
they might be abusive, even if the stresses of the relationship lead
into what might be considered reactive abuse, anyone who honestly tries
to adjust to the other person's actual needs, actively listens to the
other person, and makes every attempt to stop such behavior, probably
is not an abuser. Abusers do not take responsibility for their own
actions, and in fact often blame the abused. When the abused person
reacts to the abuse, the abuser calls that reaction abuse, and will use
guilt to try to get the abused to feel responsible for the arguments or
difficulties, as well as for the abuser's actions [you made me do it,
it is ALL YOUR FAULT!].) This is one of the reasons getting away from
your Toxic Man is so important. Everything clarifies then.
Treatment and The Toxic Man
The Silent Treatment - A
Form of Abuse
I believe the silent treatment (feigned apathy; cold-shoulder; silence;
distance, withdrawal of affection, and ignoring you) is the worst form
of emotional abuse. It is a punishment used by abusers to make you feel
unimportant, not valued, not cared about and completely absent from the
abuser's thoughts. It is used as a form of non-physical punishment and
control because the abuser mistakenly thinks that if they don't
physically harm you then they are not abusers. The truth is, they are
far worse at doling out abuse than the physical abuser.
Silent treatment is a form of banishing someone from the abuser's
existence without the benefit of closure or a good bye or a chance at
reconciliation. In a word..it's meant to torture someone you profess to
love. Should I meet someone again who uses this tactic just once he
will not get another chance. Because the silent treatment is something
that the abuser repeats over and over again. The silent treatment is
CONTROL, and a safe means for them to avoid any
'uncomfortable' topics, issues in the relationship, or issues
within himself (or herself).
The silent treatment is a method the abuser uses
to 'kill' you for something you have done. In a sense, you have been
psychologically 'murdered' by them, but your physical life goes on.
In my current relationship I have spent more days getting the 'silent
treatment' than not. Yes - I believe it is the 'worst' of the Toxic
Man's emotional abuse tactics - and this is where I have been most
harmed and damaged, and where I will need most of my healing from. At
my age I definitely don't need this. Relationships aren't supposed to
be about pain and hurt. Why in goodness name I have allowed myself to
suffer through all his forms of power, control, and abuse for years
will be a forever question mark in my mind.
used to love him, even when I was angry with him, or hurt by him. My
love stopped during the last episode - or maybe the one before. I
really can't remember when my heart shut off the love valve. Maybe it
was a gradual thing. However, the love is gone, truly gone -
and this current episode just made me commit to not going back into the
relationship. Truth be told, if I were to walk in on him today and find
he had died from a heart attack or something, I think I would just be
relieved, and not experience any grief or sadness at all. I know that
sounds inhuman and evil, but what abused partner hasn't wished for the
abuser to just stop abusing, even if it's by death?
As with most abusers, the Toxic Man who withholds affection are in
denial over their own abuse. They may use the excuses:
- I needed to have some space
- I thought you needed some space
- I was feeling depressed and didn't want to drag you down with me
- I thought we both need a cooling off period
- I felt threatened/insulted/hurt and reacted with fear and isolation
- I just needed some time alone to think
- I didn't want to fight
told me to leave you alone
- Problems from my past came up and I needed to sort them out
Of course these excuses are just one more way for the abusers to blame
somebody or something else for his abuse.
Some victims of the Silent Treatment have said:
"He uses it to punish me on a regular basis"
"I've had times where my husband used
this tactic on me so bad, that I ended up wishing that he would just
hit me and get it over with-why? Because at least then I would know I
existed, and that I wasn't a ghost or invisible."
"I've learned to love the silent
years, it devastated me and I felt that it was the worst of the
abuse...but it's not...at least not for me. ...and yes, I felt that it was a
punishment. It made me feel not important, subhuman...like I didn't
"That's all it took & he
wouldn't speak for days sometimes. Then he would start talking like
nothing was ever wrong. Ignore your problems & keep up a front.
I couldn't live like that anymore."
"There was no rhyme or reason, it
could happen at any time, go on for days and usually erupted into an
outburst of rage. Trying to figure it out, was mind boggling and yes,
The reality is (in most cases) that the more someone ignores you the
more you actually want to resolve the problem. It's almost an
involuntary need on the part of the person being ignored. And that's
the whole point to the ignorer. It puts them in control AND it gets
them attention. However, that's in most cases - in my case the more he
pulled the silent treatment, the more I saw him as a very
emotionally-sick and an immature, abusive person and the LESS I wanted
to resolve our problems. I would just pray for him to leave, or
sometimes I would fantasize that I was in another healthy, loving
relationship, and that he and I didn't even exist as a couple, or I
would pack up some clothes and try to leave myself. Of course, part of
his 'control' was in knowing the fact that I couldn't leave my children
or my job...which I would have had to do to leave my home. This gave
him all the authority and power over me as he so chose.
that authority and control truly isn't love - that controlling power
and abuse is an insecure person's way of trying to not be abandoned - by
abandoning you, and probably when you needed them the most.
This way they feel that they had a psychological and emotional hold on
you. That you can't abandon them. The problem is, are they too stupid
to realize that being abandoned is exactly the result that they will
eventually get? To be abandoned by their victim? Maybe not always
physically abandoned, as abused people can take abuse for years and
years. But they abandon their abusers mentally and emotionally, closing
their hearts and souls to them, and killing any love at all they may
have once felt for the abuser.
that leaving? I should think so!
Abuse is abuse. And abuse is never ok. In one way though, the silent
treatment is far worse than other forms of abuse, because it indirectly
says to you that you are not a person, you are an object, you are
invisible because they choose to make you so because you are not worthy
of their time. THAT is one of the most hurtful and abusive things to do
in my book. It is a horrible feeling, being ignored and denied
For me personally the silent treatment was dished out when I did
something he didn't like, when I was wrong, or when I showed him he was
wrong. The link was as clear as flipping a switch and seeing
the light go out. POW, KABOOM! I got punished and he wouldn't speak
with me for days on end, including choosing to not even be in the same
physical area with me. He would hide away or disappear for hours, and
even sleep sitting upright in a desk chair every night for up to a week
(or more) just to avoid being in the same room with me. He was almost
childlike in his behavior. I finally said, "screw this". I
couldn't live like that anymore.
So now we have the 'abusive' Toxic Man. Toxic Man Trait
Number One: abuse. But Toxic Man doesn't
just mean an abuser. Oh, no, there is more...much more! But before we
get into that, let me assure you that - and as you pretty
well know if you have your own Toxic Man - just like with all
abusers, there are some awesome loving periods in between his Toxicity!
He can be the most wonderful man in the world.
But, even in those 'normal' periods you know Toxic Man is but just
'one-wrong-action-on-your-part' away, and you find it increasingly more
difficult to enjoy the good times!
you may find that as the abuse escalates, the in-between periods become
shorter and shorter and eventually they just 'disappear' all together
as the Toxic Man becomes more and more toxic/
Another issue that I have found escalates with you as his
toxicity-level increases is that of insecurity, mistrust, and jealousy.
See in the beginning - when he was in the courtship stage - you felt
secure and loved. Now, when he shows so much disrespect, unkindness, and disinterest in you, it is only logical for you to feel very uncomfortable when you see another woman by him. Add to this fact, the
Toxic Man, by his very nature, is a charmer and has deep needs of
getting his ego stroked. Once he reveals his Toxic Nature to us, he no
longer gets his ego stroked by our adoration of him, and this makes him
very susceptible to getting his ego stroked by an outside source. Toxic
Men often become sex addicts and chronically unfaithful mates.
they often become the ones that become jealous should you have a male
friend. This is called 'projection'.
Men often have a way of twisting things around, and turning issues
around, so much so that you start to feel like you are going crazy. One
of the ways they do this is called 'projection'. This is a process
where they take all their own issues, faults, or flaws, and project
them onto you. It is strange how well they can do this. If you think
about it, isn't it more likely that what your Toxic Man accuses you of,
is actually what he, himself, is guilty of?
problem is so many of us eventually begin to believe that we are horrible or crazy. This is what happens to victims of emotional,
verbal, psychological, or mental abuse. We start to feel depressed,
inferior, etc. You don't see it happening...it sneaks up on you so
slowly that you don't even hear it coming. We walk away from the
confrontation - or the relationship - feeling ugly; shameful; needy;
insecure; incapable; clumsy; inadequate; can't measure up; unlovable
and unloved; nagging; jealous; brow-beating; over-controlling;
fat/skinny; butchy; bitchy; insulting;
uncaring; stupid; unpopular; and more.
me, the words that are said to you by a Toxic Man can more readily
apply to him... Think about it!Take
every bad thing your Toxic Man says about you and then ask yourself,
does that description more easily describe him or I? I bet it's him!
Go ahead–try it! What does your Toxic Man accuse you of being?
Controlling? Angry? Bitter? Manic-depressive? Self-centered?
Self-pitying? Self-absorbed? Demanding? Never happy? Mistrusting?
Unloyal? Dramatic? Out of control? Insecure? Uncaring? See!
....continue reading at Breaking
Up With a Narcissist: Living with, loving, and leaving a narcissist.
How to survive it all
published by the author, Tigress Luv
Stop your breakup here!