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by Tigress Luv, The Breakup Guru & by Glass Slipper Publishing

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The Push/Pull/Active/Non-Active Partnership

A Post by Tigress Luv
(posted by Tigress Luv - in answer to a post on the Lifted Hearts Breakup Support Forums and Message Boards)

Hi, and welcome :)

Let me say that I have observed two phenomena when it comes to 'transitional' relationships.

ONE) The active/nonactive match. In most relationships you will find that one party is actively or aggressively interested in the relationship - and one party is receptively or passively interested. What I mean by this is one party is actively seeking ways to better the relationship; to work out problems; to keep love and romance alive; to keep, save, or 'regain' their partner's love; and to pursue a more deep and meaningful relationship with that of their partner. When one person takes an active role in their relationship they seek to satisfy their partner, to improve their partner's happiness, and to secure their partner's love

On the other hand, you have the 'non-active', 'passive', or 'receptive' party who does just the opposite. Not only do they not 'pursue' their partner, or work on their relationship, but they have a more 'let's just sit-back and wait' attitude. They are receptive to their partner's advances and attention, but do not reciprocate with any of their own. They take a passive role in their relationships, and have an attitude of not how they can make their partner happy, or what they can 'add' to their relationships...but rather an attitude of 'how can my partner make ME happy' and 'what can I get out of this relationship'? It is an even stranger phenomenon that these roles can be switched at anytime. Once the active partner assumes the 'non-active' role, the passive partner takes over the aggressive role of pursuing the relationship and working towards the happiness of their partner. I have often been amazed how many people cannot feel their love for another when that love is given freely, but can feel totally immersed in their partner when they have to work for their partner's affections. This is an example of the passive/aggressive relationship.

TWO) Another phenomenon I have observed is the push/pull in many relationships. Almost like the passive/aggressive relationship described above, this is the relationship where one party 'pushes' and the other party 'pulls'. The party that pushes will use any tactic available to them. Emotional manipulation; begging; pleading; promising to change; engaging the help of others; threats; sex; trying to please; helplessness; guilt; despair; praying; reassurance; repeated confessions of love; arguing; hoping; reasoning; hopelessness; and even blaming. What do all these methods do? They make your mate, by nature, resist you. The more you push yourself on them, the more they retreat. Humans have two reactions to any uncomfortable situation, even a love situation. Fight or flight. Once the fight is gone they take flight.

When someone is in flight the only way to make them stop running is to quit pursuing them! Simple? Yes! By doing this you eliminate your mate's resistance to you. They can now feel safe with you. No longer motivated to run from you, they stop their feelings of fear, hurt, anger, pessimism, and grief, anxiety, and even depression. They stop their need for flight! No longer needing to flee, they feel they can now relax with you. They no longer feel the need to resist you, they can return to you and feel safe in doing so. This feeling, in turn, makes them feel comfortable around you - bringing them right back to your side. But wait! Now who is not emotionally available? You! You have turned the books around in your favor. Aren't relationships baffling?!

John Gray once pointed out that many people can't feel their love for another unless they are actively 'working' at getting the other's love. It appears to me that your wife isn't 'actively' working at regaining your trust, or loving you. I believe that she does love you, but that (because of your 'active' interest in pursuing her love) you are not allowing her to feel the full intensity of her love for you. It's like she is stuck in the 'flight' pattern. She may be confused because she believes that she loves you, and that your marriage should be given a second chance, but her subconscious has programmed her to feel just the opposite. The more you actively pursue her, the more confused she becomes - and the less she feels an 'active' love for you.

Now I may be barking up the wrong tree here - remember, this is really just my opinion and not carved in stone! :P

For more information about getting over the pain of breakup, please read How to Get Over a Breakup

Article published by Tigress Luv & Glass Slipper Publishing, the Breakup Gurus. For more breakup advice and forums please join us at the Lifted Hearts Breakup Support Forums & Community at

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