Recovering From a Narcissist
By Tigress Luv

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Hello, all! I hope everyone who celebrates Independence Day had a terrific holiday weekend :)

I'm sorry about the lateness of this week's newsletter, but, once again, I have been fighting a massive tooth infection! Yeah, yeah - I know...'dentist'. LOL!

Today I was reading over the Narcissist Support Board (it's a newer forum that you can gain access to when you get 'The Counterfeit Heart' from http://breakingupwithyournarcissist.com) WOW! Such insightful posts, many bringing me some major (and uncomfortable) triggers from my past relationship with a narcissist. If you don't mind I would like to share with you (below) some of these comments that I have read there today...

THESE COMMENTS ARE IN REGARDS TO LEAVING (AND RECOVERING FROM) A NARCISSIST:

"You start out on the road to recovery so absolutely love-deprived that it's like starting out in a desert already parched."

"Remember -- you win this one by accepting defeat. In this contest, the only way to lose is to keep playing. And remember this, too -- you hurt because you can feel. He doesn't hurt because he can't (and he didn't do anything wrong in his crazy view of the world)."

"Our divorce is nearly two years old. She's got a new guy and it hurts for the craziest reasons. There's a part of me that feels ethically challenged by NOT warning the guy (which I'm not going to do). There's a part of me that feels like I plowed a field and planted seeds and somebody else is going to enjoy the harvest (that's the ego thing - I know this guy's in for trouble, I don't doubt that for a second - but at least for a little while, he's going to get that false attention that I craved from her as our relationship slowly died)."

"Yeah, it's really hard to swallow that they will go on to fool the next victim, once they're done with you, and it will be great for some time, they'll be happy at first, and the narc will seem like a great person all over again, for someone new! And how you wish you could have had THAT person back again, in some sad way... that's all you really wanted.... that "fake" person, the show they are putting on for someone new now. But then you feel bad, knowing eventually this new victim will be hurt by them too... yet you can't really go around warning new victims either, and they would not listen anyway in most cases."

"My ex is SO nice. There's nothing assertive about her. I've never seen her treat a stranger badly. While male narcs sound pretty nasty, my ex was the bird with the broken wing - if confronted, she would shut down, seemingly wounded, and you would rarely hear anger in her voice - the expression of anger wasn't an arrow in her quiver (at least not until near the very end)."

"I think the damage they leave behind can take an awful long time to get over.... most of all how they can just walk away like you never even mattered."

"When I left my ex (still hopelessly in love with her, but knowing I couldn't do this to myself anymore), I remember unpacking in my new apartment, just as described in the book [The Counterfeit Heart], and on unpacking, I found the gift. The one physical gift she'd given me in three years. That really says so much about being in a relationship with a narc. They can't give. It just doesn't occur to them. That lack of empathy, once you see it, chills you to the bone."

"my ex has rubbished and projected me to being the 'psycho-ex'. He told me quite clearly (when I outed his behaviour, no longer having to keep the secrecy when we separated) that he was going to 'ruin me financially, professionally and emotionally'. And he did."

THESE COMMENTS ARE IN REGARDS TO BEING WITH A NARCISSIST:

"If you did well, you were punished. If you were warm, you received cold. If you were good at something, it became a blotch on your character. Welcome to the world of upside down."

"He seemed to live in two worlds too. His other world always seemed to be very private somehow. And like you, he would be oh so nice to just about anyone else or seem to care, but for me, forget it.... he just stopped caring and pretty much treated me like I was "the enemy" for having married him."

"Yes, so full of contradictions too... from one day to the next he could love me, then hate me... nothing I could count on. I found I was always walking on eggshells around him, fearing his ever-changing moods, and just wanting to get through the days without a problem. What a way to live, huh? And I endured that for years. All those years I just didn't put all the pieces together till I REALLY started reading about narcissists, and that was him exactly! Yep, they definitely are so charming in front of the rest of the world, aren't they?!!"

"It is typical narc behavior.... at home or with their relationship partner is where the ugly side comes out... For the rest of the world, he has on his best face. It's just not real... it's a show... the same show he put on in order to win you over in the first place! Sure, he's Mr. Charming to the outside world and those he hasn't "won" control over yet... also gets a little supply by people seeing (the illusion of) what a great guy he is!"

"narcissists always seem to have a self-serving agenda hidden somewhere. I think anything they do has to be in THEIR best interest somehow. I suppose if you have anything he wanted, he would then be nice or do whatever was necessary to get that. But aside from that, they just love to be unpredictable with the mood changes anyway, so they always keep you off balance too... keeping you off balance keeps them in control, and you left wondering what the heck is happening.... so it makes us try harder to get them to stabilize for us. We end up trying to keep them pleased to get back to the "good stuff" they've shown us they are capable of. They manipulate us into having things their way most of the time, they control us with changing moods, till before you know it you just revolve around trying to keep THEM pleased and lose yourself altogether."

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Being in a relationship with a narcissist is like being stuck in a master illusion. For those of you who have seen the movie, "Shutter Island" you may understand the psychological 'warp' that a 'fake world' can weave. When I watched this movie all I could think of was 'this is just like being in a relationship with a narcissist!' What you believe is real, isn't...and what you believe couldn't possibly be happening is, in fact, the 'real deal'! You get so 'slowly' sucked into the nightmare that you don't realize you're even in it until you finally escape 'the island' - so to speak.

For more information about breaking up with a narcissist, or to join our new narcissist support forum and read some of our insightful posts, please visit 'Breaking Up With Your Narcissist' at http://breakingupwithyournarcissist.com.

Section 2

Today's Inspiration, Poem or Quote:

"You don't know loneliness until you're the one that has to carry the weight of others all by yourself."~ Tigress Luv

Today's Prayer or Thought:

"We have to realize that recovery is about us. It is us holding our own hand and leading our spirits through to a better, more peaceful approach to our own lives. Recovery means to heal ourselves and to stop looking for others to save ... recovery means we stop seeking out those individuals (outside of ourselves) who might need our healing, and realize that we need our own love and our own healing touch much more than they". ~Tigress Luv~

Just a reminder that our Brokenheartsville Community has room for you! Membership is only $19 to YOU at http://brokenheartsville.com !

Thank you for reading this week's newsletter! As always, I welcome feedback and new ideas for future newsletters.

Have a great week everyone!

Tiggy

You can read my past newsletters at this link. 

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For more information about getting over the pain of breakup, please read How to Get Over a Breakup, by Tigress Luv, the Breakup Guru.

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