from a Narcissistic Ex...
From a Narcissist
by Tigress Luv and "Breaking Up With Your Narcissist" at breakingupwithyournarcissist.com
I was reading over the Narcissist Support Board (it's a newer forum
that you can gain access to when you get 'The
Counterfeit Heart' from http://breakingupwithyournarcissist.com)
WOW! Such insightful posts, many bringing me some major (and
uncomfortable) triggers from my past relationship with a narcissist. If
you don't mind I would like to share with you (below) some of these
comments that I have read there today...
COMMENTS ARE IN REGARDS TO LEAVING (AND RECOVERING FROM) A NARCISSIST:
start out on the road to recovery so absolutely love-deprived that it's
like starting out in a desert already parched."
"Remember -- you
win this one by accepting defeat. In this contest, the only way to lose
is to keep playing. And remember this, too -- you hurt because you can
feel. He doesn't hurt because he can't (and he didn't do anything wrong
in his crazy view of the world)."
"Our divorce is
nearly two years old. She's got a new guy and it hurts for the craziest
reasons. There's a part of me that feels ethically challenged by NOT
warning the guy (which I'm not going to do). There's a part of me that
feels like I plowed a field and planted seeds and somebody else is
going to enjoy the harvest (that's the ego thing - I know this guy's in
for trouble, I don't doubt that for a second - but at least for a
little while, he's going to get that false attention that I craved from
her as our relationship slowly died)."
really hard to swallow that they will go on to fool the next victim,
once they're done with you, and it will be great for some time, they'll
be happy at first, and the narc will seem like a great person all over
again, for someone new! And how you wish you could have had THAT person
back again, in some sad way... that's all you really wanted.... that
"fake" person, the show they are putting on for someone new now. But
then you feel bad, knowing eventually this new victim will be hurt by
them too... yet you can't really go around warning new victims either,
and they would not listen anyway in most cases."
"My ex is SO
nice. There's nothing assertive about her. I've never seen her treat a
stranger badly. While male narcs sound pretty nasty, my ex was the bird
with the broken wing - if confronted, she would shut down, seemingly
wounded, and you would rarely hear anger in her voice - the expression
of anger wasn't an arrow in her quiver (at least not until near the
"I think the
damage they leave behind can take an awful long time to get over....
most of all how they can just walk away like you never even mattered."
"When I left my
ex (still hopelessly in love with her, but knowing I couldn't do this
to myself anymore), I remember unpacking in my new apartment, just as
described in the book [The
and on unpacking, I found the gift. The one physical gift she'd given
me in three years. That really says so much about being in a
relationship with a narc. They can't give. It just doesn't occur to
them. That lack of empathy, once you see it, chills you to the bone."
"my ex has
rubbished and projected me to being the 'psycho-ex'. He told me quite
clearly (when I outed his behaviour, no longer having to keep the
secrecy when we separated) that he was going to 'ruin me financially,
professionally and emotionally'. And he did."
THESE COMMENTS ARE IN REGARDS TO BEING WITH A NARCISSIST:
"If you did well, you were punished. If you were warm, you received
cold. If you were good at something, it became a blotch on your
character. Welcome to the world of upside down."
"He seemed to
live in two worlds too. His other world always seemed to be very
private somehow. And like you, he would be oh so nice to just about
anyone else or seem to care, but for me, forget it.... he just stopped
caring and pretty much treated me like I was "the enemy" for having
"Yes, so full of
contradictions too... from one day to the next he could love me, then
hate me... nothing I could count on. I found I was always walking on
eggshells around him, fearing his ever-changing moods, and just wanting
to get through the days without a problem. What a way to live, huh? And
I endured that for years. All those years I just didn't put all the
pieces together till I REALLY started reading about narcissists, and
that was him exactly! Yep, they definitely are so charming in front of
the rest of the world, aren't they?!!"
"It is typical
narc behavior.... at home or with their relationship partner is where
the ugly side comes out... For the rest of the world, he has on his
best face. It's just not real... it's a show... the same show he put on
in order to win you over in the first place! Sure, he's Mr. Charming to
the outside world and those he hasn't "won" control over yet... also
gets a little supply by people seeing (the illusion of) what a great
guy he is!"
always seem to have a self-serving agenda hidden somewhere. I think
anything they do has to be in THEIR best interest somehow. I suppose if
you have anything he wanted, he would then be nice or do whatever was
necessary to get that. But aside from that, they just love to be
unpredictable with the mood changes anyway, so they always keep you off
balance too... keeping you off balance keeps them in control, and you
left wondering what the heck is happening.... so it makes us try harder
to get them to stabilize for us. We end up trying to keep them pleased
to get back to the "good stuff" they've shown us they are capable of.
They manipulate us into having things their way most of the time, they
control us with changing moods, till before you know it you just
revolve around trying to keep THEM pleased and lose yourself
Being in a relationship
with a narcissist is like being stuck in a master illusion. For those
of you who have seen the movie, "Shutter Island" you
may understand the psychological 'warp' that a 'fake world' can weave.
When I watched this movie all I could think of was 'this is just like
being in a relationship with a narcissist!' What you believe is real,
isn't...and what you believe couldn't possibly be happening is, in
fact, the 'real deal'! You get so 'slowly' sucked into the nightmare
that you don't realize you're even in it until you finally escape 'the
island' - so to speak.
information about breaking up with a narcissist, or to join our new
narcissist support forum and read some of our insightful posts, please
visit 'Breaking Up With Your Narcissist'
Today's Inspiration, Poem
don't know loneliness until you're the one that has to carry the weight
of others all by yourself."~ Tigress Luv
Prayer or Thought:
have to realize that recovery is about us. It is us holding our own
hand and leading our spirits through to a better, more peaceful
approach to our own lives. Recovery means to heal ourselves and to stop looking for others to save ... recovery means we stop
seeking out those individuals (outside of ourselves) who might need our
healing, and realize that we need our own love and our own healing
touch much more than they"
a reminder that our Breakup
Support Forums & Community has room for you!
Membership is only $19 to YOU at http://liftedhearts.com !
Thank you for reading this week's newsletter! As always, we welcome
feedback and new ideas for future newsletters.
Have a great week everyone!
published by Tigress Luv & Glass Slipper Publishing, the Breakup Gurus. For more
breakup advice and forums please join us at the Lifted Hearts Breakup
Support Forums & Community at http://liftedhearts.com.
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