Your Ex Acts Like He or She Doesn't Know You...
OSTRACISM AND THE EX - THE
by Tigress Luv
Definition of 'Ostracism'
- noun: the act of excluding someone from society by general consent
- noun: the state of being banished or ostracized (excluded from
society by general consent)
Definition of 'Ostracize'
- verb: avoid speaking to or dealing with ("Ever since I spoke
up, my colleagues ostracize me")
- verb: expel from a community or group
Greetings, one and all! Well, I am in the middle of moving and I've had
a very busy week here as I pack up my house and all of my belongings.
Part of that 'packing' process involves going through every little
thing I own and have collected over the years and then deciding what to
keep and what to throw out.
Unfortunately, going through my belongings rehashed many of the hurt
feelings I had experienced when I was with my current ex. How? Because
I kept coming upon note after note after note; little things that I had
scribbled to myself in notebooks, on odd scraps of paper, in journals,
etc. Things I had all but forgotten about, until now when I found all
my little, sad scribblings to 'remind' me...
"I feel so alone today; he hasn't acknowledged me
or spoken to me in two weeks."
"When he didn't come home last night I went looking for him and when I
found him he didn't even acknowledge my presence. I'm so sad..."
"Why won't he talk to me or even notice me?"
"I'm so very lonely today...why doesn't he want to be around me."
"He has slept in the chair for ten days in a row. I guess I must have
done something wrong again..."
"He hasn't talked to me in days. He won't even make eye contact. Screw
"He didn't even ask me what happened to my arm. He doesn't care at all,
it's like I don't exist to him."
Now, mind you - these were notes I wrote to myself while we were still
a couple! Yes, my ex was not only a narcissistic-abuser but an
Ostracist (is that a word?) as well! He was an abuser who was well
mastered in the ancient form of the 'Silent Treatment'. It was my
abuser's 'special' method of 'killing me off'. In a sense, I was
psychologically 'murdered' by him, even though my physical life went
Ostracism has often been used - but rarely acknowledged - as a lever to
gain the upper hand or control in many relationship's power struggles.
Never is this more evident than in the breaking up of a relationship -
especially with a narcissistic ex. In ancient times social ostracism
was used to punish the 'offender' by casting them aside and essentially
'devaluing' them - making them feel 'unworthy' of the pack
(unacceptable to the rest of society). It was meant to cause harm and
it worked so well at doing just that very thing that we still use it to
Ostracizing causes so much harm because we all have an inherent desire
to be accepted by our fellow man. And never more is our need to be
accepted more evident than when it comes to gaining the acceptance of
someone we are in love with. When someone we love deeply not only gives
us the silent treatment, but also goes full-force in ostracizing us,
the pain can be especially deep. In a sense, not only is it belittling
to us - making us feel like we don't matter - but we actually feel
'dead' to that person. Or worse yet, non-existent to
Many exes make ostracism their specialty. One benefit that an ex
receives from practicing ostracization is an inflation of their ego and
the ability to feel superior over the other person - the one they have
Some exes like to feel superior in order to not feel the pain of losing
your companionship; others use this as a form of revenge, and still
some will want to feel this way as to devalue you of any worth. When
they take away your 'worth' they don't feel your loss quite as much as
they would have had they 'valued' you after the breakup. So they simply
ostracize you. They speak not your name. They ignore your existence. If
you were to run into them somewhere they would not acknowledge your
presence at all. They have 'killed' you off, leaving you a non-entity.
This ostracizing far surpasses 'apathy' as it entails intentionally and
purposefully committing acts of 'mental murder'. By its very nature,
apathy is not 'intentional' - but ostracism is. The Ostracist has
become the slayer of your existence, and by doing so they can then feel
like your upper power. They are your 'maker' in that they have the
power to give you life - and to 'take' your life away - and what could
make them feel more superior to you (at least, in their eyes) than
To be unacknowledged by your fellow man is difficult enough, but to be
so rejected as to be ostracized by someone you once had an intimate
relationship with can be devastating.
The Ostracist won't even look at you should you accidentally meet
somewhere. In fact, they will avoid looking at you even if you are
sitting directly right in front of them! This is their way of
dismissing and devaluing you, and also of making you hurt. And it works
... but only because you don't know that he or she is simply playing a
'fool's game'. And they are the 'fool'. I mean, to go that much out of
their way to 'pretend' you don't exist must take an awful lot of
conscious awareness and purposeful energy on their part. To feel that
much awareness and energy towards another that it alters your own state
of well-being is a ridiculous act of self-victimization, and one that
reflects a person afraid of their own emotions and unsure of their own
value and worth.
So, the next time The Ostracist ostracizes you, remember how much
deliberate awareness and energy he or she is giving to this 'act' and
feel good in knowing that 'you' now have regained the power over your
self worth and feelings of acceptance. They are playing a fool's game
and you have the power to accept or REJECT their feigned rejection!
For expert insights from Tigress on breaking up with a narcissist, or on your narcissist ex please go to: http://breakingupwithyournarcissist.com -- or visit http://narcissistic.co for great articles and more on narcissism!
This weeks' special:
Well, you know every week we offer our
faithful readers a special deal on one of our reports or ebooks. This
week we put together a neat, little package we call 'The Breakup Eraser',
and it is a two-phase method for stopping your breakup, getting them to
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For those of you who would like to take advantage of this week's
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And, as usual, our readers are entitled to join the Lifted Hearts aka 'Brokenheartsville' Break
Up Support Forums & Community at a special, reduced rate at http://liftedhearts.com
Inspiration, Poem or Quote:
from Lifted Hearts aka 'Brokenheartsville' Breakup Support Forums & Community - http://liftedhearts.com
"Better an end with pain than a pain without end" -
"How long are you willing to allow your life to be defined by
whether or not this man is going to forgive you and get back together
with you or not?" - member
Prayer or Thought:
"Let's take the VASTNESS of Time and combine it with the
Infinite Space of the Universe. Now let's take this Vast Time and
Infinite Space and realize the enormity of it all and then bring it all
down to the right here-and-now in your little corner of your town on
this planet Earth which circles our Sun a small star in the Milky Way
in the year of Earth time 2008-9 AD.
Isn't it amazing that the ONLY man or
woman for you just happens to be living on the same continent in the
same country in the same town in the same area at the same time as you
are? Isn't it amazing?" ~TIgress Luv
a reminder that our Breakup
Support Forums & Community has room for you!
Membership is only $19 to YOU at http://liftedhearts.com !
Thank you for reading this week's newsletter! As always, we welcome
feedback and new ideas for future newsletters.
Have a great week everyone! For
more information about getting over the pain of breakup, please read How to Get Over a Breakup
published by Tigress Luv & Glass Slipper Publishing, the Breakup Gurus. For more
breakup advice and forums please join us at the Lifted Hearts Breakup
Support Forums & Community at http://liftedhearts.com.
Stop your breakup here!