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My Abuse Story
Woman's Story of Abuse
By Tigress Luv
I was the tender age of 17 I married an 'abuser'. Being such a tender
age I didn't realize the implications of this act. I was innocent, my
heart was naive, my desire to get married and become an
'adult' swayed my thoughts, too. Now mind you, before I married this
man I was fully aware of his abusive ways. He had already choked me
into unconsciousness; asked me how I would feel if he had his
friends rape me; hit me; belittled me; and threatened to harm my family
if ever I were to leave him. And I still married this man! Talk about
young and innocent! I was just plain dumb! I thought all his worries of
losing me, all his shame for his behavior, were the signs of 'love'. I
actually felt 'loved' by the abuse. Does that make sense? Again, I tell
you, I was young, dumb, blind, and given to the Cinderella fantasy of
happily ever after in my own home, raising my own children - being an
'adult' and being ravishly loved.
this is just my opinion.
Three years, one daughter, and lots of bruises later - I divorced him.
In all admittance I have to say I looked behind me for years. I'd
glance in the rearview mirror. I scanned restaurants, saloons, etc for
his face as I entered. I hid behind unlisted phone numbers and moved a
lot. But eventually I got over it - and moved past the fear.
From there I flitted in and out of relationships, remarried and
divorced, fell in love and lost my love to death three years later. And
then, one day, I met 'him'. Oh-la-la!
Now, this is where you think the story ends and we ride off into the
sunset together, hand-in-hand, right? Wrong!
'B' was a wonderful man! Loving, special, good with my children,
supportive of my work, giving - very giving. Sexy,
charming, fun to be with. Gentle, caring, compassionate, concerned,
empathetic. Gawd, who could want for more? He thought I hung the moon,
and, indeed, I thought he helped me.
After four months we moved in together. Our home was beautiful to me.
Our yard was beautiful. Our future held so much promise. I was in
Approximately two weeks after we moved in together he got in a rage
about a shirt I wore that he suspected was less than 'decent'. Truth is
I have ample breasts and, unless I wear a huge man's insulated flannel
shirt, it's very hard to hide 'breasts'! - And, in
truth, why should I? This was disappointing because I am an extremely
independent woman and any kind of control measures another imposes on
me makes me want to fight or flight. I don't bend easy to being told
what to do.
(excuse me for a moment as 'B' is yelling at me)
Okay, I'm back...
Anyway, afterwards he was real apologetic. Uh-huh.
Then he was real ashamed. Uh-huh.
Then came the regret and the begging and pleading to forgive. Uh-huh.
Then came the 'little' controlling moves, again. Those familiar
'walking on egg-shells' feelings erupted in me, giving me flashbacks to
a relationship 20+ years earlier. I recognized the 'uneasy' feelings,
the fear of 'impending doom', and the 'oh, here we go again', feeling.
And then...damned if you do, or damned if you don't...no matter what...
....it would happen all over again.
And then the "I'm sooooo sorry", "Please forgive me" "It will never happen again" "I'm such a jerk, fool, asshole,
idiot, monster..." And I would come back, because, after all I was very
happy with him and the relationship. We just had a little
bump in the road, that's all. He is aware he has a problem
and he loves me so much, and that is my home....Oh, Argh!
Then things were great. We spent all our time together. We loved hardy,
cherished each other's company. Life was good! We had fun, talking and
laughing for hours on end. We danced under the moon. We exchanged
dreams of a future together. And then ...
I decided one night, after working all day (I work out of my home) that
I needed to get out by myself - and have some 'me' time. I call this 'self
inner-reflecting', and if I don't do that every now and then
I feel the world starting to enclose around me and my own, personal
'sense of self' becomes threatened. I needed to
reconnect with 'me'.
To him that meant that I was a whore, and had some 'imaginary' lover
waiting for me some where. Give me a break!!! But, so.....here we go again...
....it all started. The Rage. The yelling, the insults, the power, the
threats, the drunkenness, the insinuations, the fear...
And, so, once again, I left the man I love. But then came back. Then
left again when it happened again. And then came back. And so the story
goes. Over and over and over....
I found myself 'sugar-coating' everything I said or did - lest I 'set
him off'. I didn't dare leave the home, except with minute-by-minute
details of exactly What I was doing and Where I would be going. And
then, once I left, he would call on me, with innocent sounding
requests, "grab me a hamburger" "grab me some smokes" "since you're
going to the store, could you pick me up a..." but I knew the truth.
Checking. Controlling. He worked his slow, subtle psychological
seduction and psychological abduction, of me. I dressed in frumpy ol'
shirts and the same pair of tennies - lest to 'set him off'. I stopped
wearing cosmetics and fixing my hair - lest he question my 'motive to
look good'. I could go days without showering - I just didn't
take any pride in myself anymore. I never called my friends on the
phone - lest he feel threatened and go into a rage. And eventually my
smile started to fade. And my eyes held dark circles. I hunched over
and my back sagged. I was tired. I shuffled my feet when I walked. I
was depressed. Nothing held joy in life. I was 'dead' inside.
Although I wasn't a healthy woman to begin with I realized my health
started to fail even more. My pain was excruciating. My breathing
extremely labored from tension, nervousness, and stressful vices. I
coughed all the time because I was smoking something like five packs a
And I started to recognize the 'pattern'. The cycle that abusers go
through. I had flashbacks to an incident over twenty years ago. An
incident I thought I had put in the past and moved beyond. But now it
was back. Same recognizable pattern and cycle. And you start to
recognize it, and soon you can't even smile and feel genuine happiness
in the 'good days' - the 'Dr.Jekyll' days. Because, always you knew -
Mr. Hyde was but a 'spark' away.
NOTE: I wrote this letter two nights ago. This was the night I realized
I couldn't do this anymore. The night I realized if I wanted to live
another year, and be happy and smile again. ..I had to get
away from this man.
Leaving won't be easy.
I have nowhere to go. I have no way to get there. I have no money. I
haven't spoken to friends in months. See, this is the unconscious slow
imprisonment that comes over you. Before you know it you are dependent
on this man - this home. Your options have slowly been depleted. Your
finances spiraling out of control. Your friends drifted away. Your car
not maintained in operable condition. The subtle entrapment of
But for me there was another 'entrapment'. Compassion, Pity, and
Empathy. I actually loved and felt sorry for 'B'. He was the true
victim here. Yes, I could opt to leave his life, but he
couldn't. He was emotionally abandoned and belittled by his
parents. His first wife, his children, all had basically alienated him.
He really had no close, intimate buddies. And try as he might by using
power, control, and threats - the only way he 'knew' to keep someone -
was not working. He was being abandoned again.
And it was sad. As it always is. Because most abusers are extremely
lovable people 'inside', where only those who know them intimately
(their wives, girl friends, etc) can see the 'real' man. And the 'real'
man is a terrific person. If only....he didn't control, abuse,
overpower, belittle, insult, threaten, rage, tantrum, deceive, and fool
- as a means to 'hold' those. If only he could see that wonderful man
that lived inside of him he would know that he is
all he needs to be to hold onto someone. But see, he can't. Abusers
feel deep inner shame. They feel unworthy, flawed, wrong. And they see
that, in the past - possibly by one or both parents, power and control
had worked to 'keep' him, to 'handle' him. So he thinks he needs to do
the same thing to keep and handle another. And, because of his
misconceptions of his self-worthiness and sense of self, because of his
lack of 'personal-identity', an abuser quickly gets 'over-attached' to
the women in his life.
If only he knew how truly wonderful he was 'inside'....
Yes, it hurts a lot to leave this man. But I must.
published by Tigress Luv & Glass Slipper publishing, the Breakup Gurus. For more
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Thank you for visiting! Tigress
Luv, The Breakup Guru
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