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Chasing After the Commitmentphobe
We Scare the Commitmentphobe and Why We Become So Attached....
'Love Terrorists and the
by Tigress Luv & Glass
I once said that just about anything bad that one can go through, I have. Maybe it's a curse, maybe it's a
blessing in disguise, but - whatever it is - it's true. I have 'been there,
done that'! And being involved with a
commitment-phobe is one of those 'blessings' I have had the blessed
misfortune to have experienced many, many years ago. I know by heart
all the stages, have lived all the ups and downs, and had realized -
only afterwards - that I forgot to 'exist' during it all!
The beginning of a relationship with a CP (commitment-phobic person)
can be escalating (to say the least!) The CP chases you with such
intense and total admiration that we begin to feel just so damned good
about OURSELVES that we are actually floating on air! This euphoric
stage sets the scene for the devastating 'crash' that is bound to
Unfortunately, when we feel so euphoric by the actions of the CP in the
'pursuing stage' we tend to see the CP as Omni-important. The more power we give them, the harder we fall.
When we give the CP this power over us, we may
react in two adverse ways when evidence of their commitmentphobia
1. The CP pulls away or withdraws from us, making us 'CRASH':
When the CP pulls away from us we become frantic, wondering what we did
wrong. So, we try even harder to prove our worthiness in order to gain
back their love and admiration.
2. We become the 'enabler': We make up excuses for
the CP, live in denial, or take direct blame for
their withdrawal from us. We do not hold the CP accountable for their
actions, but instead we try to hide the reality of their actions from
ourselves. We refuse to hear the CP when they tell us to 'go away',
choosing, instead, to focus only on their 'come here' statements or
actions. We make up excuses for the CPs behavior, absolving
the CP from all responsibility!
We become addicted to our CPs. We are now CP Addicts.
The harder the CP Addict tries to recall, or recover, that 'euphoric
rush' they experienced in the beginning stage of the relationship, the
more likely they 'fail' and feel defeated. That's because the more you go
'after' the CP, the more you will be rejected.
What happens next is what I call the 'hook'; the CP does, from time to
time, 'relinquish' (briefly) to us. The CP will let down their defenses
and insinuate – either through words or actions – that they want to be
with us. This, in turn, gives the CP Addict a 'fix' on their much
sought after 'euphoric rush'. They get their high.
They feel good. Satiated. They soon learn that their relentless pursuit
to 'win back the CP' (their drug) pays off. But, too, they learn very
quickly that it only pays off for a little while. They feel that
euphoric feeling of hitting a 'mini jackpot' - and believe that - if
they only keep it up - the big 'jackpot' is just around the
"The CP has a unique way of making
you feel that 'maybe', 'in the future', 'somewhere down the road' ...
which keeps you 'hooked' to him by hope and trapped
by the possibility ('maybe, if I'm just more
patient, less demanding, a better woman, etc...')"
THE HOOK REVISITED (are you a Love Terrorist?)
Nothing is more intriguing than having a 'cause'. And nothing is more
addictive than having a cause that is also a HUGE challenge to succeed
at. A challenge creates action. It is invigorating.
Both of these aspects together are what keep us attached to the CP. The
'cause' and the 'challenge'.
It is the intrigue and the implied-promise of 'winning over adversity',
and the 'thrill of the chase', that keeps us compelled to watch
thrillers and action-packed movies. We sit on the edge of our seats,
glued to our television sets or movie screens. The same rings true in
our real lives, also. The intensity of the battle to 'win' brings an
almost erotic sense of pleasure to our dull and drab ordinary lives.
Yes, we may say we want a quiet and peaceful life, but when things calm
down and settle into a routine we go out of our minds with boredom.
This isn't what we wanted after all! We want thrills! We want action!
We want to feel the adrenaline rush through our veins! We want to feel
alive! We want to feel challenged! AND WE WANT TO WIN! What
good is a challenge if we lose? Losing makes us feel
defeated, less than, unworthy ... not good enough. Failures.
And who wants to be a failure that didn't measure up? Nobody!
Especially not you and I, right? We want to be winners. We want to be
'better'. We want to save face and ego. We are poor-losers.
So we thrive on the 'cause' and the 'challenge'. We need 'cause' and
'challenge' to prove ourselves good enough, strong enough, worthy
enough. And we get so caught up sometimes in our cause that we can't see the forest for the trees. We become so lost and so
obsessed in the 'cause' and the 'challenge', that we can't see clearly.
We lose sight of and can't see anymore what the original purpose of our
cause was. We feel so challenged that we have lost all of our rational
judgment and now we simply exist to overcome, and conquer, the challenge.
We are 'love terrorists', and we will resort to any measure feasible to
make our point.
We forget about 'love' - mistakenly assuming it is still there for it
was there at the beginning of our cause, wasn't it? Unbeknownst to us,
though, is that over time the challenge has subtly taken over, masking
itself as 'love'. Could we possibly have been so caught up in the
'challenge' that we mistakenly thought the outcome we sought was still
based on love, and not on winning our cause? Could
the 'love' we once felt been subtly overshadowed by the task at hand
(getting to commitment), until the challenge of reaching our goal of
commitment actually replaced the love, and became the real reason for
our cause? Could the original dream of being ‘hand-in-hand,
happily ever after’ actually morphed into just a need to win the ‘getting to commitment’ battle?
I was a Love Terrorist. I battled my 'ex' for commitment. Big time! I
resorted to Love Terrorism. I had to win my cause at all costs. And my cause was to gain back his
love and get to commitment. Period. I mistakenly thought that his
commitment to me would recapture the ‘high’ I felt in the pursuing
stage of the relationship. After all, this man's love for me was so
intense in the beginning...
Me, the Love Terrorist...
....Gawd, how that man worshipped me! He called me every hour we were
apart, and when we were together he sat there mesmerized by my being,
staring adoringly at my face and holding my hand non-stop.
I had to actually pull it away from him at times just to take a drink,
or brush my hair off my face. He was absolutely 'twitterpated' by my
presence. And I didn't even like him at first (a
common occurrence with us CP Addicts): he had to work very hard at
getting me to warm up to him. But once he did, I was trapped. It felt
so good to be loved so deeply ... to be with someone who thought you
were the most exquisite and perfect creature to ever grace this planet.
I could do no wrong, and I relished in his attention and his adoration.
Mmmmmmm, what a wonderful feeling to be so loved!
However, things started changing ... slowly - so slowly and subtly that I wasn't even aware of it. In the beginning
this guy loved me so immensely and I had become so sure of and secure in that love that I didn't even realize
that it had changed - until I woke up one day and found myself on the
'begging end of the relationship'. Begging for his time, his attention,
his commitment, his love, his company. I was surprised at this
revelation! When did all this occur? Where was I when all this came
about? What the heck happened? What did I do to chase his
....Let the battle begin...
....so in enters my little Acts of Love Terrorism. And my little Love
Terrorist Plots. I was completely without awareness and direction,
focusing only on my cause.
And battle I did. I became the perfect, ‘can’t-live-without’ woman:
understanding, doting, and pleasing. And when that didn’t work I became
demanding; whining; begging; threatening; sulky; intimidating - and I
totally exposed every ugly inner-devil lurking below my seemingly
normal exterior. I was horrible ... I was horrible because I felt horrible! My self-esteem had
crashed! What could I have done to turn this loving man away? This man
who worshipped the very ground I walked on? I (falsely) assumed that,
no matter what it was that I did, it must have been very
horrific to turn a man who worshipped me into a man that
couldn't wait to get away from me. I thought that I most surely must be
the biggest jerk on the Earth! I took total credit for his sudden
Spurred into action by the need to regain my Dashing Hunter, I (now the
ex-Hunted) had become The Hunter!
And so continued my 'battle'. The more I threatened, demanded, got in
his face, and accused - the more he distanced himself from me. So, I
tried other tactics. I went out to the bars and bragged to him
incessantly about how many men came up to me, came on to me, or asked
me to dance. I pointed out that other men wanted me,
hoping he would feel threatened enough to commit to me before another stole me away from him, or (in the least) hoping he
would sit up and take notice of how wonderful I was.
I tried the ‘I’d-make-a-perfect-wife' thing, too. I cleaned the house
to House and Garden centerfold perfection; I
painstakingly applied cosmetics and styled my hair. I donned sexy
outfits and fixed the most scrumptious of meals. I did his laundry, his
chores. I did the shopping. I paid the bills. I was PERFECT, PERFECT,
PERFECT. Sick, huh?
But that was all part of my battle. See, I figured if the threats
didn't work, and trying to make him jealous was an absolute waste of
time, I might just as well let him see how totally awesome I was. How perfect. What a great wife I would be. I smothered him with
attention. I never, ever asked for anything in
return, lest I scare him away by putting too many demands on him. I did
it all. He did nothing. I was the relationship!
The only thing I didn't think to do was the one
thing that might have worked (for me) ... release him back to himself
and get back to living my life.
But, the point is, I became so lost - so caught up in 'winning' him,
that I didn't even realize until many months later that I wasn't even
in love with him anymore (if, indeed, I ever was!). In fact, he was an
a**hole! However, I didn't see that at the time because I was so
consumed with the cause, and with the challenge to win him that the 'here after' part never even occurred to me.
Are you a Love Terrorist?
If so, trust that your life may be already predestined. Stop attempting
to control fate and learn to appreciate, and relish in, the peace that
comes with Letting Go and Letting Be.
Could you be so absorbed in 'winning' over the CP that you have
forgotten the reality of the situation? Have you become a 'love
terrorist'? Have you become so obsessed with the 'winning' part that
you have overlooked the original reason (love and commitment)? Does
that original reason still exist? For help with these issues please
visit our page at http://commitmentphobia.net
The above article is
an excerpt from the book, Dream Chasers: The CP Addiction. This ebook
can be found at http://commitmentphobia.net
Today's Inspiration, Poem
you in love with the CP, or are you in love with the fantasy of the
perfection you think you two could be 'if only'?" ~Tigress
only real love is that love which cannot be imagined."
Prayer or Thought:
we release that which we cling to, and cling only unto ourselves, can
we truly feel joy again. We must learn to give to ourselves in a loving
and nurturing way. We must embrace ourselves, bring our own sun up in
the morning, and bask in the glory of us. For it is ourselves, and
ourselves alone, that God trusted us to care for, not another
broad-shouldered adult. We must stop watering another's garden while
our gardens die from neglect. We must learn and understand that, no
matter how beautiful we make their garden, they will not tend to ours
in the end. We must understand that another will only care about our
gardens when, by our garden's own beauty will they see how lovingly and selfishly we have tended to them ourselves.
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Have a great week everyone!
published by Tigress Luv & Glass Slipper Publishing, the Breakup Gurus. For more
breakup advice and forums please join us at the Lifted Hearts Breakup
Support Forums & Community at http://liftedhearts.com.
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Thank you for visiting! Tigress
Luv, The Breakup Guru
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