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'Love Terrorists and the Commitment Phobe'
Tigress Luv, the Breakup Guru

I once said that just about everything one can go through, I have. Maybe it's a curse, maybe it's a blessing in disguise, but - whatever it is - it's true. I have 'been there, done that'! And being involved with a commitment-phobe is one of those 'blessings' I have had the blessed misfortune to have experienced many, many years ago. I know by heart all the stages, have lived all the ups and downs, and had realized - only afterwards - that I forgot to 'exist' during it all!

The beginning of a relationship with a CP (commitment-phobic person) can be escalating (to say the least!) The CP chases you with such intense and total admiration that we begin to feel just so damned good about OURSELVES that we are actually floating on air! This euphoric stage sets the scene for the devastating 'crash' that is bound to happen.

Unfortunately, when we feel so euphoric by the actions of the CP in the 'pursuing stage' we tend to see the CP as Omni-important. The more power we give them, the harder we fall.

When we give the CP this power over us, we may react in two adverse ways when evidence of their commitmentphobia surfaces...

1. The CP pulls away or withdraws from us, making us 'CRASH': When the CP pulls away from us we become frantic, wondering what we did wrong. So, we try even harder to prove our worthiness in order to gain back their love and admiration.

2. We become the 'enabler': We make up excuses for the CP, live in denial, or take direct blame for their withdrawal from us. We do not hold the CP accountable for their actions, but instead we try to hide the reality of their actions from ourselves. We refuse to hear the CP when they tell us to 'go away', choosing, instead, to focus only on their 'come here' statements or actions. We make up excuses for the CPs behavior, absolving the CP from all responsibility!

We become addicted to our CPs. We are now CP Addicts.

The harder the CP Addict tries to recall, or recover, that 'euphoric rush' they experienced in the beginning stage of the relationship, the more likely they 'fail' and feel defeated. That's because the more you go 'after' the CP, the more you will be rejected.

What happens next is what I call the 'hook'; the CP does, from time to time, 'relinquish' (briefly) to us. The CP will let down their defenses and insinuate – either through words or actions – that they want to be with us. This, in turn, gives the CP Addict a 'fix' on their much sought after 'euphoric rush'. They get their high. They feel good. Satiated. They soon learn that their relentless pursuit to 'win back the CP' (their drug) pays off. But, too, they learn very quickly that it only pays off for a little while. They feel that euphoric feeling of hitting a 'mini jackpot' - and believe that - if they only keep it up - the big 'jackpot' is just around the corner!

"The CP has a unique way of making you feel that 'maybe', 'in the future', 'somewhere down the road' ... which keeps you 'hooked' to him by hope and trapped by the possibility ('maybe, if I'm just more patient, less demanding, a better woman, etc...')"

THE HOOK REVISITED (are you a Love Terrorist?)

Nothing is more intriguing than having a 'cause'. And nothing is more addictive than having a cause that is also a HUGE challenge to succeed at. A challenge creates action. It is invigorating. Both of these aspects together are what keep us attached to the CP. The 'cause' and the 'challenge'.

It is the intrigue and the implied-promise of 'winning over adversity', and the 'thrill of the chase', that keeps us compelled to watch thrillers and action-packed movies. We sit on the edge of our seats, glued to our television sets or movie screens. The same rings true in our real lives, also. The intensity of the battle to 'win' brings an almost erotic sense of pleasure to our dull and drab ordinary lives.

Yes, we may say we want a quiet and peaceful life, but when things calm down and settle into a routine we go out of our minds with boredom. This isn't what we wanted after all! We want thrills! We want action! We want to feel the adrenaline rush through our veins! We want to feel alive! We want to feel challenged! AND WE WANT TO WIN! What good is a challenge if we lose? Losing makes us feel defeated, less than, unworthy ... not good enough. Failures. And who wants to be a failure that didn't measure up? Nobody! Especially not you and I, right? We want to be winners. We want to be 'better'. We want to save face and ego. We are poor-losers.

So we thrive on the 'cause' and the 'challenge'. We need 'cause' and 'challenge' to prove ourselves good enough, strong enough, worthy enough. And we get so caught up sometimes in our cause that we can't see the forest for the trees. We become so lost and so obsessed in the 'cause' and the 'challenge', that we can't see clearly. We lose sight of and can't see anymore what the original purpose of our cause was. We feel so challenged that we have lost all of our rational judgment and now we simply exist to overcome, and conquer, the challenge.

We are 'love terrorists', and we will resort to any measure feasible to make our point.

We forget about 'love' - mistakenly assuming it is still there for it was there at the beginning of our cause, wasn't it? Unbeknownst to us, though, is that over time the challenge has subtly taken over, masking itself as 'love'. Could we possibly have been so caught up in the 'challenge' that we mistakenly thought the outcome we sought was still based on love, and not on winning our cause? Could the 'love' we once felt been subtly overshadowed by the task at hand (getting to commitment), until the challenge of reaching our goal of commitment actually replaced the love, and became the real reason for our cause? Could the original dream of being ‘hand-in-hand, happily ever after’ actually morphed into just a need to win the ‘getting to commitment’ battle?

I was a Love Terrorist. I battled my 'ex' for commitment. Big time! I resorted to Love Terrorism. I had to win my cause at all costs. And my cause was to gain back his love and get to commitment. Period. I mistakenly thought that his commitment to me would recapture the ‘high’ I felt in the pursuing stage of the relationship. After all, this man's love for me was so intense in the beginning...

Tigress, the Love Terrorist...

....Gawd, how that man worshipped me! He called me every hour we were apart, and when we were together he sat there mesmerized by my being, staring adoringly at my face and holding my hand non-stop. I had to actually pull it away from him at times just to take a drink, or brush my hair off my face. He was absolutely 'twitterpated' by my presence. And I didn't even like him at first (a common occurrence with us CP Addicts): he had to work very hard at getting me to warm up to him. But once he did, I was trapped. It felt so good to be loved so deeply ... to be with someone who thought you were the most exquisite and perfect creature to ever grace this planet. I could do no wrong, and I relished in his attention and his adoration. Mmmmmmm, what a wonderful feeling to be so loved!

However, things started changing ... slowly - so slowly and subtly that I wasn't even aware of it. In the beginning this guy loved me so immensely and I had become so sure of and secure in that love that I didn't even realize that it had changed - until I woke up one day and found myself on the 'begging end of the relationship'. Begging for his time, his attention, his commitment, his love, his company. I was surprised at this revelation! When did all this occur? Where was I when all this came about? What the heck happened? What did I do to chase his love away?

And so...

....Let the battle begin...

....so in enters my little Acts of Love Terrorism. And my little Love Terrorist Plots. I was completely without awareness and direction, focusing only on my cause.

And battle I did. I became the perfect, ‘can’t-live-without’ woman: understanding, doting, and pleasing. And when that didn’t work I became demanding; whining; begging; threatening; sulky; intimidating - and I totally exposed every ugly inner-devil lurking below my seemingly normal exterior. I was horrible ... I was horrible because I felt horrible! My self-esteem had crashed! What could I have done to turn this loving man away? This man who worshipped the very ground I walked on? I (falsely) assumed that, no matter what it was that I did, it must have been very horrific to turn a man who worshipped me into a man that couldn't wait to get away from me. I thought that I most surely must be the biggest jerk on the Earth! I took total credit for his sudden rejection.

Spurred into action by the need to regain my Dashing Hunter, I (now the ex-Hunted) had become The Hunter!

And so continued my 'battle'. The more I threatened, demanded, got in his face, and accused - the more he distanced himself from me. So, I tried other tactics. I went out to the bars and bragged to him incessantly about how many men came up to me, came on to me, or asked me to dance. I pointed out that other men wanted me, hoping he would feel threatened enough to commit to me before another stole me away from him, or (in the least) hoping he would sit up and take notice of how wonderful I was.

I tried the ‘I’d-make-a-perfect-wife' thing, too. I cleaned the house to House and Garden centerfold perfection; I painstakingly applied cosmetics and styled my hair. I donned sexy outfits and fixed the most scrumptious of meals. I did his laundry, his chores. I did the shopping. I paid the bills. I was PERFECT, PERFECT, PERFECT. Sick, huh?

But that was all part of my battle. See, I figured if the threats didn't work, and trying to make him jealous was an absolute waste of time, I might just as well let him see how totally awesome I was. How perfect. What a great wife I would be. I smothered him with attention. I never, ever asked for anything in return, lest I scare him away by putting too many demands on him. I did it all. He did nothing. I was the relationship!

The only thing I didn't think to do was the one thing that might have worked (for me) ... release him back to himself and get back to living my life.

But, the point is, I became so lost - so caught up in 'winning' him, that I didn't even realize until many months later that I wasn't even in love with him anymore (if, indeed, I ever was!). In fact, he was an a**hole! However, I didn't see that at the time because I was so consumed with the cause, and with the challenge to win him that the 'here after' part never even occurred to me.

Are you a Love Terrorist?

If so, trust that your life may be already predestined. Stop attempting to control fate and learn to appreciate, and relish in, the peace that comes with Letting Go and Letting Be.

Could you be so absorbed in 'winning' over the CP that you have forgotten the reality of the situation? Have you become a 'love terrorist'? Have you become so obsessed with the 'winning' part that you have overlooked the original reason (love and commitment)? Does that original reason still exist? For help with these issues please visit my page at http://commitmentphobia.net

By Tigress Luv, The Breakup Guru

The above article is an excerpt from the book, Dream Chasers: The CP Addiction. The book can be found at http://commitmentphobia.net

Section 2

Today's Inspiration, Poem or Quote:

"Are you in love with the CP, or are you in love with the fantasy of the perfection you think you two could be 'if only'?" ~Tigress Luv

"The only real love is that love which cannot be imagined." ~Tigress Luv

Today's Prayer or Thought:

When we release that which we cling to, and cling only unto ourselves, can we truly feel joy again. We must learn to give to ourselves in a loving and nurturing way. We must embrace ourselves, bring our own sun up in the morning, and bask in the glory of us. For it is ourselves, and ourselves alone, that God trusted us to care for, not another broad-shouldered adult. We must stop watering another's garden while our gardens die from neglect. We must learn and understand that, no matter how beautiful we make their garden, they will not tend to ours in the end. We must understand that another will only care about our gardens when, by our garden's own beauty will they see how lovingly and selfishly we have tended to them ourselves. ~Tigress Luv~

Just a reminder that our Brokenheartsville Community has room for you! Membership is only $19 to YOU at http://brokenheartsville.com !

Thank you for reading this week's newsletter! As always, I welcome feedback and new ideas for future newsletters.

Have a great week everyone!

Tiggy

You can read my past newsletters at this link. 

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For more information about getting over the pain of breakup, please read How to Get Over a Breakup, by Tigress Luv, the Breakup Guru.

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