Perhaps one of the most difficult emotions that come after a breakup is
the feeling of not being loved. To sum the emotion up in just
two words? Emotional Loneliness....
UNLOVED AND LONELY AFTER A BREAKUP
Unloved: Loneliness after a Breakup
By Tigress Luv & Glass
Perhaps one of the most difficult emotions that come after a breakup is
the feeling of not being loved. To sum the emotion up in just
two words? Emotional Loneliness.
Loneliness is a very prominent and dominating emotion
after the breakdown of a relationship. Why? Because for the entire
course of the relationship you have placed the majority of your love
onto that of another person. And now without them in your life you are
consumed with feelings of 'loneliness'. You now have nowhere for your
love to go. Confused? You shouldn't be because it really is quite
simple; contrary to what you may think you are feeling, the feeling of
'loneliness' isn't really about feeling 'unloved', alone, or isolated -
it's about not having someone to give your unconditional love to. The
fact of the matter is that true loneliness stems from YOU not being
unconditionally loving to other people. Although this
probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense to you right now I'm sure
that the more you read this article the more you will understand. But
just trust in this concept of mine for now, OK? :) ...
.... Loneliness is simply the desire for a deep heart or inner
connection with another ... one that you feel may be absent in your
life right now.
Read on to learn how to bring yourself to a point where you will feel
good being alone without feeling the 'loneliness' associated with that
of not having a partner.
Loneliness is the direct result of an unwelcomed or an unwanted
solitude from 'intimacy'. What I mean by this is that one can be in a
crowd of people, or at a party of hundreds, and still feel lonely;
lonely because they haven't a loving 'connection' to any other person.
Therefore you can be lonely and not be alone, and you can be 'alone'
and not feel lonely. Loneliness has nothing to do with the company we
keep or don't keep; it has to do with the isolation our souls feel from
others and the ache we have to share our love through an intimate
and/or loving companionship. We can have unbearable - and even
sometimes debilitating - feelings of isolation and separateness even
when surrounded by people because of our lack of an intimate connection
to any of them.
To compound the feelings of isolation and loneliness after a breakup,
you may also have feelings of low self-esteem. This is not only because
the one you loved has made the conscious decision to not be with you,
but also because you may sense a detachment or rejection by the social
circle or group of mutual friends that you two may have once shared as
a couple. This in turn only makes one feel more socially inept, leaving
them to feel even more disconnected from outside people and society in
general. When one feels socially inadequate they subconsciously give
off feelings of 'non-love' to those around them, which in turn makes
THEM very unlovable. It's an escalating no-win situation. Like
clockwork, the more you are ostracized the more unlovable and lonely
you feel and the more your ego and self esteem take a nose dive. The
more your self esteem crashes the more isolated you make yourself and
the more ostracized you will become.
Loneliness, too, may often result in the inability to be happy and
comfortable in a relationship with 'self'. We may feel unable to love
ourselves, or to be content with being alone.
Those who want to be loved by others but who only give love on
conditions of what is in it for them (such as being loved in return)
are among the loneliest. When you only love to be loved in return you
will find that you end up feeling empty and inadequate. But when you
love without expectations of
'rewards' to your self or your ego, you will truly banish your
Later in this article you will learn how to banish loneliness from your
life and bring love into it. We all need this, whether we admit it or
not, as loneliness and social isolation are painful experiences. In
fact, loneliness can be such a devastating condition that it has oft
been used as a punishment throughout the ages. Parents use it regularly
as a form of punishment and a hard-taught lesson in learning
to behave in an acceptable way. For instance, older children are often
'grounded', denied their phone, internet, television, and/or other
sources of social interaction. Younger children are sent to their room
or to the corner for a 'time out' from the other children or from
family members. As adults, we are ostracized by our social circle
should we behave in an unacceptable way, or given the 'silent
treatment' by our mates should we hurt their feelings or make them
angry. Prison inmates and POW's are punished through enforced solitary
confinement and social deprivation.
Some argue that loneliness can strike at any age and may be more of a
personality trait or disorder rather than the result of direct
circumstances or societal disconnection. Of course, I disagree :)
unless you have a personality disorder that prevents you from loving
I argue that loneliness is simply the result of a selfish ego...
Now don't hate me for saying that.....! My thoughts can be out there
some times :) so please just hear me out by reading the rest of this
....all in all, I would like to debunk what many believe loneliness is.
Many naturally believe that loneliness stems from our inability to have
another lovingly connect with us on an inner level. .... *ahem* say I!
Because I say that, ironically, just the opposite is true! Loneliness oftentimes stems from our inability to love outward,
and not our inability to feel loved in return. ... In order to banish
this loneliness from our day-to-day lives we must first learn to love others in a non-detached or unattached way. Sound too
difficult to learn? It's not. Simply bring all those you meet into your
heart unconditionally and without letting your ego
get in the way. Expect nothing in return. Expect them not to behave one
way or another or to love you in return, but totally accept them and
love them as a child of God, a fellow soul on this planet, a person who
has wisdom and fears, faults and gifts, emotions and apathy. Do not
love people with your ego; do not love with the emotion or thought of
'you', but rather with emotion of them and with genuine care for
them. Imagine that God lives in all living things and love
them for the God that you see in them.
Do you find this difficult to do? Do you find that you dislike certain
people? Do you find yourself shy or uncomfortable around others? If you
do, you suffer from the burden of ego. You must learn to love without
As I have spoken of before, we tend to not like people who we feel do
not like us. You can easily banish this by simply loving them without
expectations of them liking or loving you in return. To do this you remove
your ego from your heart. Try it! Even with people you may
feel you dislike, or even 'hate' for that matter (remember, too, that I
have referred to 'hate' in a previous newsletter as that of just plain
ol' 'love in pain'. Read that newsletter here).
Now you may say, "But I truly do love my friends, I do love my family"
... etc., but do you do it without expectations. Do 'YOU' come into the
mix when you give of your love to others? See, most people place
subconscious conditions and restrictions on their love. "If
you love me, behave this way, or treat me this way I will then love
you...if you don't I will pull my love back from you." When
we pull our love back we, in turn, feel unloved ourselves. In one of
Deepak Chopra books (I believe it is 'The
Path to Love: Spiritual Strategies for Healing') he teaches
us to love everyone unconditionally - as imperfect as they are and
regardless of what they give to you in return. He believes that when
you love outwardly, love is returned to you ten fold. I once knew a man
named Dave that followed this very rule. And guess what? He is loved by
others beyond belief - all because he places no conditions on his love.
He'll just meet you and instantly he will spiritually allow you into
his heart without saying a word ... and people 'sense' this and before
you know it people are drawn to him because they subconsciously feel
'loved for who they are' when they are around him. This is an
attractive trait, one you can easily master, and one which if you have
you will not ever feel lonely again.
"Loving another person is not separate from loving God. One is
a single wave, the other is the ocean." ~ Deepak Chopra
Mother Teresa was literally a saint. All who knew her (and even many
who didn't know her) loved her. Why? Because she brought everyone into
her heart unconditionally, asking they do nothing
return, and asking that they not be in any specific way in return.
"Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you
without leaving happier." ~ Mother Teresa
"Everybody today seems to be in such a terrible rush, anxious
for greater developments and greater riches and so on, so that children
have very little time for their parents. Parents have very little time
for each other, and in the home begins the disruption of peace of the
world." ~ Mother Teresa
Yes, today we are shaping adults out of children that are raised alone.
With more and more single parent homes, or homes where one or both
parents work one or two jobs just to make ends meet, the children are
left alone with 'entertainment' devises to 'parent' them - devises that
are task environment and machine environment based, such as the DVD
player, the Cartoon Network, Game Boys, PlayStations, Wii's, Computer
Games, all meant to entertain the child and keep them content when they
are by themselves for the greater part of the day. And as our
technology increases, so will our forms of artificial, technological or
digital interactions with an 'alter' self.
What we are essentially doing here is raising children to join a new
type of society - one where 'self' is the only real thing in their
lives. This creates in inability to love others unconditionally; this
creates in inability to love others without their ego in the way.
Without saying 'what's in it for me', most people today are unable to
love or they find themselves incapable of loving unconditionally. What
we are left with are people who are lonely and isolated, and who may
try to create meaningful relationships in the offline world, or even
electronically with their ego the driving force.
Now there has been talk lately about narcissists on FaceBook - well,
these are the REAL narcissists that you may find online at FaceBook, or
offline in destructive, one-way relationships. These are people who
feel the loneliest. Because they do not know how to love without the
need to gain something for themselves in return.
But, trust me - social networking sites are not all about narcissism!
(More on that later!)
Most people feel the intense need to be liked, loved, and have a huge
network of friends. They may also falsely believe that they have to be
a certain way, or have a certain asset to attract this love. What they
end up doing is being uncomfortable and feeling awkward in any and
every social situation. This intensifies their feelings of isolation
and loneliness...little do they know that if they were to just take
themselves (their ego) out of the equation and 'feel' love for others
unconditionally and without expectations, that they would, in return,
be loved themselves.
"Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody,
I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the
person who has nothing to eat." ~Mother Teresa
*** When I think of people in my life that love unconditionally a few
come to my mind right away - and, trust me, these are people who are
much loved in return, and who probably never feel loneliness. One who
comes immediately to my mind is Lisa C. Lisa is one of the most
beautiful women I have ever met, and dearly loved by all who know her.
In fact, Lisa moved away last year, and if she is reading this right
now, I hope she knows that we all miss her dearly! :))) ***
People ask me how to be more comfortable with 'self' after a breakup.
In fact, when I asked for suggestions on this week's newsletter, reader
Kim G. suggested the topic "how to find 'peace' within yourself".
The problem is that for many of you you have never learned how to love
yourself through 'yourself' ... you can only love yourself through
other people's love for you. And when you based all your love on just
one other person (your ex) - and then lost that person - you were left
with not being able to feel love and comfort within just yourself. To
love yourself and feel comfortable with being alone, you must first
learn to love all others unconditionally (this
also helps when trying to find forgiveness) and without your ego
demanding that they return anything to you at all. Jesus said, "Thou
Shalt Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself" and the phrase 'Love
thy neighbor as THYSELF' appears twice in the Bible. This is
the true path to banishing loneliness; the more you love, accept, care
for, and embrace others unconditionally the more
you receive love of thyself and for thyself.
Remember at the beginning of this article I said "...without them in
your life you are consumed with feelings of 'loneliness'. You now have nowhere
for your love to go." Trust me when I say that loneliness is
more a rebound emotion of not loving, than it is of not being loved. Most people falsely
believe that they are lonely because they are not being loved by
another, when in reality just the opposite is usually true...they are
lonely because they are not giving out their love to another. They say
that unreciprocated love is the most painful, but wouldn't that mean
that the bearer of that love has placed 'conditions' on their love? The
condition being that they are loved in return? Unconditional love
shouldn't hurt as it is not about self or ego; it doesn't expect or
demand anything in return.
So the true way to banishing feelings of loneliness and to find comfort
in being with yourself is to love others unconditionally
without thought or foresight to what is in it for you. Trust me, once
you forget about 'you' and just take everyone into your heart, you will
see how very loved you will be and how very comfortable with self you
Pets and religion can counteract loneliness, too; so can a deeper
connection with your God or your spirituality. Sometimes one must just
lie down, open up their mind and allow God to do some spiritual surgery
on their soul.
Joining some social network sites online (such as our very own Lifted
Hearts Community!) can also help ward off feelings of
loneliness after a breakup.
However, lately I have heard the statement WAAAAAYYY too much that
people who join online social networking sites are all merely
narcissists. BUNK! RUBBISH! HOGWASH! Or 'POPPYCOCK' (as The Fonz would
Belonging to a social network of friends online doesn't make you a
narcissist anymore than wearing underwear makes you a Victoria's Secret
model! Yes, there are narcissists on FaceBook (my ex, for one *wink*)
and other communities, too ... and yes, Victoria's Secret models do
wear underwear, but the connection stops there. There are also
sociopaths online, and murderers and stalkers and pedophiles...but
what's that have to do with you enjoying an interaction with your
like-minded friends on FaceBook? Nothing! Seriously, there is nothing
narcissistic about being connected to your friends and family on
FaceBook. You see, there are also creeps at your local Wal-Mart, but
that doesn't make you one if you shop there! So don't worry that being
on a social network makes one a narcissist.
I, for one, work out of my home. This, basically, gives me zero
'physical' interaction with co-workers, clients, customers, fellow
commuters, etc. I also have health issues which oftentimes keep me
pretty much limited to my home a lot more than I would like to be. To
me interacting online with my friends is the best way to keep connected
with them without having to leave work, or risk painful flare-ups when
my body isn't up to socializing in the offline world. I have to say,
thank God for the Internet! And thank God for all of you! :)
Embracing our past 'self' can also help banish loneliness. Remembering
older times can bring a certain nostalgia that the bearer can feel
either pleasurably or sadly, but also a way that we can step back into
unpleasant realities and compassionately bring ourselves out of burdens
of past hurts that we tend to allow to hamper our present day
happiness. It also allows us to 'reconnect' with our love for other
people in our life. Being nostalgic can be bittersweet... in fact, one
of my all-time favorite works of art is 'Attic Memories' by Norman
Rockwell. And I shall leave you with this beauty :)
Today's Inspiration, Poem
"The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of
being unloved." ~ Mother Teresa
"The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the
hunger for bread." ~ Mother Teresa
"The success of love is in the loving – it is not in the
result of loving." ~ Mother Teresa
Prayer or Thought:
THE PATH TO LOVE
By Deepak Chopra
"Falling in love feels like an accidental occurrence to many people,
but in spiritual terms it is not - it is the entrance point to love's
journey. Romance has several distinct phases of its own for us to
explore - attraction, infatuation, courtship, and intimacy - each
partaking of a special spiritual significance.
In the dawning of the next stage, falling in love turns into a
committed relationship, usually marriage, and the path changes. Falling
in love is over; being in love begins. Spiritually, the word being
implies a state of the soul; it is this state that a couple learns to
nurture through surrender, the key word in every spiritual relationship.
Through surrender, the needs of the ego, which can be extremely selfish
and unloving, are transformed into the true need of the spirit, which
is always the same - the need to grow. As you grow, you exchange
shallow, false feelings for deep, true emotions, and thus compassion,
trust, devotion, and service become realities.
Such a marriage is sacred; it can never falter because it is based on
divine essence. Such a marriage is also innocent, because your only
motive is to love and serve the other person. Surrender is the door one
must pass through to find passion. Without surrender, passion is
centered on a person's craving for pleasure and stimulation.
With surrender, passion is directed toward life itself - in spiritual
terms, passion is the same as letting yourself be swept away on the
river of life, which is eternal and never-ending in its flow.
The final fruit of surrender is ecstasy: when you can let go of all
selfish attachments, when you trust that love really is at the core of
your nature, you feel complete peace. In this peace there is a seed of
sweetness perceived in the very center of the heart, and from this
seed, with patience and devotion, you nurture the supreme state of joy
known as ecstasy. This, then, is the path to love described in much
greater detail in my new book, although it isn't the only path. Some
people do not fall in love and enter into relationships with a beloved.
But this does not mean that there is no path for them, only that the
path has been internalized. For such people, the Beloved is entirely
within themselves from the very outset. It is their soul or their image
of God; it is a vision or a calling; it is a solitariness that blossoms
into love for the One.
In its own way, such a love story is also about relationship, because
the final realizations are the same for all of us. To realize "I am
love" is not reserved only for those who marry. It is a universal
realization, cherished in every spiritual tradition.
Or to put it most simply, all relationships are ultimately a
relationship with God." ~ © 2002 Deepak Chopra, from 'The
Path to Love: Spiritual Strategies for Healing'
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Have a great week everyone!
published by Tigress Luv & Glass Slipper Publishing, the Breakup Gurus. For more
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