Tigress
Luv's Break Up Support Blog and Newsletter
by Tigress Luv,
The Breakup Guru
LEFT BY CHOICE
(Based on a section in Tigress Luv's book,
How to Get Over a Breakup,
available at http://overabreakup.com )
If any of you have seen the movie, P.S. I Love You (starring Hilary
Swank as Holly) you are most likely familiar with Kathy Bates' character
as Holly's mother (who had been abandoned by her own husband years earlier).
In one very poignant scene Kathy Bates' character is advising a crying and
grieving Hilary (whose husband, Gerry, had died a year before) that she would
have to 'move on eventually'. Hysterical and inconsolable, the grieving Holly
snaps to her mother that losing a loved one to death is NOT the same as her
mother losing her dad, who 'left' them, and that her mother knew not the
extent of her (Holly's) grief. Kathy Bates' character simply responds back
to her stating something to the effect of, "Oh, because it's so much
easier to deal with when the person you love leaves by choice, is
it?"
It is said that the second most intense life
stress is loss of love. The first is death. But I question this? Both
are final. Both, in most cases, result in the physical removal of someone
special from your life. Both result in the loss of a way of life we have
become familiar with. Both have resulted in hanging strings of things that
were never said.
However with death you have the peace of knowing
that you were in your lost loved one's heart. You were not abandoned
intentionally, cast aside, or rejected purposefully and by choice. With death
you can take off work and get sympathy. You are given gifts of comfort, support
and understanding. You can go through closing rituals and you can feel
contentment that they are in a better place, and that you are still in their
loving hearts and their good graces.
And you are 'allowed' to grieve.
You don't feel the need to force yourself to
'fall out of love' with them, or the need to fight loving them and missing
them. You don't feel like you have to hide your love for them, or pretend
like losing them doesn't matter. With death you have been given the full
rights to wallow and get swallowed up in your grief and love for them, and
you have a multitude of people there encouraging you to do so and giving
you a shoulder to lean on and a sympathetic ear to cry to.
But with breakups, separation, or divorce, even
though we have the assurance that our exes are still alive somewhere on this
Earth, their love was intentionally withdrawn from us! They opted to leave
us. We no longer have their presence, nor do we have their caring, love,
or their desire to be with us. They no longer want us - and that was a purposeful
decision on their part. They chose to leave us and to abandon their love
for us.
And we are expected to just shake our heads
and 'get over it'.
Either way, death or abandonment, you had little
to no say or control over the situation. It makes one wonder if it is easier
on one's soul to have your loved one taken away from you by God's will while
they still loved you, instead of their intentional and direct withdrawal
of their love for you on their own volition.
That's not to say you wish your ex dead, oh
my!
That's just to say I think the personal grief
experienced by losing one to death rather than abandonment (although BOTH
are extremely devastating!) is somehow less self-destructive and more accepted
and socially supported. I have been through both the death of a loved one,
and the intentional physical and emotional withdrawal of a loved one, and
I would have to say grief over breakup, separation, or divorce can be equally
as devastatingif not morethan grief over the death of your loved
one.
In death you lose your loved one's physical
presence in both your present time and your future. But in the loss through
abandonment and/or a breakup we haven't just lost one's physical presence
in our lives, but also their love and desire to be with us. We experience
grief over the loss of their mental, emotional, and spiritual presence, too,
along with our own sense of value and self-worth, our pride, our ego, our
dreams, our hopes, our security, and our feelings of being loved. They
made a purposeful decision to leave us and to devalue our lovability and
our worthiness.
When someone opts to leave us we end up feeling
rejected, not good enough, not lovable, unwanted, and cast aside. We feel
taken for granted and unappreciated for all we have done. We have gone from
being everything to being nothing in a moment flat! But what kind of people
would we be if we didn't grieve? Doesn't our grief stem from our having been
loving, devoted, caring, committed, trusting and involved? Would we really
want to be the type of person that is so cold, callous, without emotion,
or self-centered that we could just easily dismiss such a loss and walk away
unscathed?
However, when it comes down to either of the
two losses being a personal growing experience, breakups rule! With the loss
of love through breakup, separation, or divorce we cannot help but grow:
We emerge wiser, stronger, mellower, better,
more compassionate, more understanding, less egotistic.
We take personal inventories and fix and mend
that which we do not like about ourselves.
We see how we contributed to the breakup and
we set out on this self-improvement course so we never make that mistake
again!
We feel rejected and so we learn to love
ourselves.
We feel wounded and alone and so we learn to
embrace ourselves.
We feel scared of the future and so we learn
to find a new inner strength.
We confront our fears, and quiet our childhood
hurts that have been haunting us forever.
We realize that our own inner grief over the
loss can sometimes be just a reflection of a deeper rooted sorrow, and so
we examine our past issues and present fearsand we face them head
on.
Hallelujah! We are rebornand baby, we're
better than ever!
~~~~~
As usual, my readers are entitled to join the
Brokenheartsville Break Up Support
Community at a special, reduced rate at
http://brokenheartsville.com
For more information on the getting over a breakup and going through changes
please visit my site:
http://overabreakup.com
Section 2
Today's Inspiration, Poem or Quote:
"We don't read and write poetry because it's
cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race.
And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business,
engineering these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life.
But poetry, beauty, romance, love these are what we stay alive for.
"~ From the movie, The Dead Poet's Society
Today's Prayer or Thought:
"When grieving over the loss of
a relationship it helps to "disidentify" you as that of the role of mate,
spouse, boy/girlfriend, or partner. Who you are is much more than that of
a role in a relationship. You are much more than that of a body filling a
void in someone's life, or purpose. The real "you" lies beyond a half of
an imaginary "whole", the real you is whole, separate, unique, and apart
from the "you" in a relationship. Pamper yourself and learn to disidentify
yourself as merely a half of an equation-or a role in a relationship-and
see yourself as being whole and complete just as you are, right now, at
this moment." ~ Tigress Luv, The Breakup Guru. Taken from the ebook,
'How to Get Over a Breakup'
at http://overabreakup.com
Just a reminder that our Brokenheartsville Community has room for you! Membership
is only $19 to YOU at
http://brokenheartsville.com !
Thank you for reading this week's newsletter! As always, I welcome feedback
and new ideas for future newsletters.
Have a great week everyone!
Tiggy
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