byTigress Luv, The Breakup Guru & Glass
on a section in our ebook, How to Get Over a Breakup, available
at http://overabreakup.com )
If any of you have seen the movie, P.S.
I Love You (starring Hilary Swank as Holly) you are most
likely familiar with Kathy Bates' character as Holly's mother (who had
been abandoned by her own husband years earlier). In one very poignant
scene Kathy Bates' character is advising a crying and grieving Hilary
(whose husband, Gerry, had died a year before) that she would have to
'move on eventually'. Hysterical and inconsolable, the grieving Holly
snaps to her mother that losing a loved one to death is NOT the same as
her mother losing her dad, who 'left' them, and that her mother knew
not the extent of her (Holly's) grief. Kathy Bates' character simply
responds back to her stating something to the effect of, "Oh,
because it's so much easier to deal with when the person you love
leaves by choice, is it?"
It is said that the second most intense life
stress is loss of love. The first is death. But I question
this? Both are final. Both, in most cases, result in the physical
removal of someone special from your life. Both result in the loss of a
way of life we have become familiar with. Both have resulted in hanging
strings of things that were never said.
However with death you have the peace of knowing that you were in your
lost loved one's heart. You were not abandoned intentionally, cast
aside, or rejected purposefully and by choice. With death you can take
off work and get sympathy. You are given gifts of comfort, support and
understanding. You can go through closing rituals and you can feel
contentment that they are in a better place, and that you are still in
their loving hearts and their good graces.
You are allowed to talk about your lost loved one. You can mention their name; people will listen with kind and gentle understanding and sympathy. Nobody tires of hearing your stories about your lost loved one, and about him/her and you.
And you are 'allowed' to grieve.
You don't feel the need to force yourself to 'fall out of love' with
them, or the need to fight loving them and missing them. You don't feel
like you have to hide your love for them, or pretend like losing them
doesn't matter. With death you have been given the full rights to
wallow and get swallowed up in your grief and love for them, and you
have a multitude of people there encouraging you to do so and giving
you a shoulder to lean on and a sympathetic ear to cry to.
But with breakups, separation, or divorce, even though we have the
assurance that our exes are still alive somewhere on this Earth, their
love was intentionally withdrawn from us! They opted to leave
us. We no longer have their presence, nor do we have their
caring, love, or their desire to be with us. They no longer want us -
and that was a purposeful decision on their part. They chose
to leave us and to abandon their love for us.
Add to this pain -- and if your ex was a narcissist -- then the loss was sudden. It was an instant discard. In one minute you find out your whole life with them has been a lie, and minute two they are gone and moved on already. That's right, the narcissist moves on in the blink of an eye, having 'new supply' in less than days -- sometimes even hours. As if you never mattered anyway. Compared to losing someone through a sudden and unexpected death, this discard is worse. Not only was it sudden, but it cancelled out all the time you spent with them prior to the discard. The memories are falsified, too, and instantly revoked.
And you are expected to just shake your head and 'get over it'.
Either way, death or abandonment, you had little to no say or control
over the situation. It makes one wonder if it is easier on one's soul
to have your loved one taken away from you by God's will while
they still loved you, instead of their intentional and direct
withdrawal of their love for you on their own volition.
That's not to say you wish your ex dead, oh my!
That's just to say I think the personal grief experienced by losing one
to death rather than abandonment (although BOTH are extremely
devastating!) is somehow less self-destructive and more accepted and
socially supported. I have been through both the death of a loved one,
and the intentional physical and emotional withdrawal of a loved one,
and I would have to say grief over breakup, separation, or divorce can
be equally as devastating–if not more–than grief over the death of your
In death you lose your loved one's physical presence in both your
present time and your future. But in the loss through abandonment
and/or a breakup we haven't just lost one's physical presence in our
lives, but also their love and desire to be with us. We experience
grief over the loss of their mental, emotional, and spiritual presence,
too, along with our own sense of value and self-worth, our pride, our
ego, our dreams, our hopes, our security, and our feelings of being
loved. They made a purposeful decision to leave us and to
devalue our lovability and our worthiness.
When someone opts to leave us we end up feeling rejected, not good
enough, not lovable, unwanted, and cast aside. We feel taken for
granted and unappreciated for all we have done. We have gone from being
everything to being nothing in a moment flat! But what kind of people
would we be if we didn't grieve? Doesn't our grief stem from our having
been loving, devoted, caring, committed, trusting and involved? Would
we really want to be the type of person that is so cold, callous,
without emotion, or self-centered that we could just easily dismiss
such a loss and walk away unscathed?
However, when it comes down to either of the two losses being a
personal growing experience, breakups rule! With the loss of love
through breakup, separation, or divorce we cannot help but grow:
We emerge wiser, stronger, mellower, better, more compassionate, more
understanding, less egotistic.
We take personal inventories and fix and mend that which we do not like
We see how we contributed to the breakup and we set out on this
self-improvement course so we never make that mistake again!
We feel rejected and so we learn to love ourselves.
We feel wounded and alone and so we learn to embrace ourselves.
We feel scared of the future and so we learn to find a new inner
We confront our fears, and quiet our childhood hurts that have been
haunting us forever.
We realize that our own inner grief over the loss can sometimes be just
a reflection of a deeper rooted sorrow, and so we examine our past
issues and present fears–and we face them head on.
Hallelujah! We are reborn–and baby, we're better than ever!
usual, our readers are entitled to join the Lifted Hearts Break
Up Support Forums & Community at a special,
reduced rate at http://liftedhearts.com
For more information on the getting over a breakup and going through
changes please visit my site: http://overabreakup.com
Inspiration, Poem or Quote:
"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and
write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human
race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering –
these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry,
beauty, romance, love – these are what we stay alive for. "~
From the movie, The Dead Poet's Society
Prayer or Thought:
grieving over the loss of a relationship it helps to "disidentify" you
as that of the role of mate, spouse, boy/girlfriend, or partner. Who
you are is much more than that of a role in a relationship. You are
much more than that of a body filling a void in someone's life, or
purpose. The real "you" lies beyond a half of an imaginary "whole", the
real you is whole, separate, unique, and apart from the "you" in a
relationship. Pamper yourself and learn to disidentify yourself as
merely a half of an equation-or a role in a relationship-and see
yourself as being whole and complete just as you are, right now, at
this moment." ~ Glass Slipper Publsihing. Taken from the
to Get Over a Breakup' at http://overabreakup.com
a reminder that our Breakup
Support Forums & Community has room for you!
Membership is only $19 to YOU at http://liftedhearts.com !
Thank you for reading this week's newsletter! As always, we welcome
feedback and new ideas for future newsletters.
Have a great week everyone! ...and for
more information about getting over the pain of breakup, please read How to Get Over a Breakup
published by Tigress Luv & Glass Slipper publishing, the Breakup Gurus. For more
breakup advice and forums please join us at the Lifted Hearts Breakup
Support Forums & Community at http://liftedhearts.com.
Stop your breakup here!