to Become a 'Non-Person'
thing you must know about your life is that you have choices. You have
options. You have rights. You are not a belonging, you are not ruled by
emotions, you are ruled by common sense. However, after enduring abuse
we tend to disregard our common sense and logical thoughts - and let
our emotions rule our life. This is the trap that keeps you hooked.
Yet, there is hope. There is
promise to a better life and a freedom above and beyond emotional and
If you are the victim of
abuse - any kind of abuse - you should face the
facts that you can't see while caught in the 'trap' of
abuse....you are not responsible. The abuser may
take out his rage on you, but do not make the common mistake of taking
'ownership' over their rage. It is not yours, it is theirs. Give it
back to them and stop playing God! And remember, what is upsetting to
the abuser goes deeper and beyond what you see. No, it isn't about how
you cooked dinner, or that you forget to pick up the dry cleaning, or
that the man in the corner of the restaurant 'looked' at you. You are
just the doorway he needs to vent. By placing blame at your feet he is
doing one of two things. One: he is attempting to control you. Two: he
is attempting to turn his own shame outward by directing it onto others
(you). This abolishes him from the inner turmoil and self-doubts that
rage through his veins.
Well, you ask, 'what about therapy?' What about it?! Therapy doesn't
work in most cases. In fact, therapy is usually sought by the abuser
simply as another means to 'control' you. They have absolutely no
intention of seeking help, because they have absolutely no intention of
doing anything - but keeping you. The sad truth
is, abusers very rarely, if ever, stop their abusive ways. They swear
they will, they promise anything. But usually all this means is the
next time the abuse will be worse - because the next time they know that you may just leave them this time, after this 'last'
and 'final' break of their promise.
Fact - get out.
Fiction - things can change
if you just love them harder and try to get to the root of the problem.
Fact - you can not get them
help. You can only get you help.
But how many times have you
heard this? You are like the teenager who has grown up with the
repeated advice that drugs are bad - yet continue to try them out
anyway. Why? Could facts, experience, proof, and life's little
instruction book only apply to other people? Are
you special? Different? Is your abuser special and different from other
abusers? Don't kid yourself! Drugs kill. Abusers kill. Those are the
cold-hard facts and - yes - they do apply to you.
It is up to you to take the action required to remove yourself, and
your children if applicable, from any abusive situation. That is the
only way possible to help the abuser. As long as you are there the
atmosphere is unhealthy, the abuse escalates, the abuser becomes more
aware of having a 'problem', the abuser denies responsibility for 'the
problem', the abuser redirects the problem onto you. The abuser has no
need to change.
Do not believe the abuser
when he claims the abuse is your fault. Never! And let's just say - for
the sake of saying - that it is your fault. That
you are a loser, a bad housewife, ignorant, stupid, forgetful,
worthless, inconsiderate - whatever - does that justify abuse? NO! If
my 11-year-old cousin was mentally handicapped would I be justified in
abusing him? NO! My dog is not very intelligent and he chewed my
slipper. Can I beat the dog? NO! Abuse is never
justified. Never called for. Never excused. Never
reasoned away. Abuse is abuse.
of our rights as a human is to demand respect and to give
respect in return. Physically, emotionally, verbally, or mentally
abusive behavior demonstrates the highest level of disrespect.
This is the man who loves you sooo
much, but is just 'confused'? Quit kidding yourself.
That's not love. That is an ill, sick person who
clings to you with desperation one minute,
and pulls you by the hair out onto the front
lawn the next. Wake up!
Why on Earth would someone
opt to stay in a disrespectful, fearful relationship? Yes, I'm sure you
do love him - at least the 'good side' of him. But what else is there
to your love? Does he not make you feel embarrassed by his control and
power over you - by his direct disrespect for you? Even
if it was 'love' you felt for him -
and not the flattery of 'his
needing you' - the funny thing that you don't realize is that
you can love someone and not be with them. It is sooooo possible.
Of course leaving is a very
difficult thing to do. The only time we really consider it is in the
very throes of the abuse - the moment when we would leave
barefoot and naked in the middle of a blizzard if need be. But then
things calm down for a moment in time. The promises and remorse starts.
The logic starts running through your head. Then the excuses -
the fear, "Why leave? He'll just hunt me down and
kill me." Doubtful. He may threaten, because
threats have proven to be so successful in controlling you in the past.
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Call the police. You can relocate,
you can get protection,
you can 'call him' on his suicide threat.
Take my word
for it, he won't start systematically
'knocking off members of your family'
until you return to him. Gee! "I
can't leave him. I'm the only one that understands him. I feel so sorry
for him. He really doesn't want to be this way." You
feel sorry for him? You mean like you feel sorry for those
little, innocent children dying in the hospital? Like you
feel for the parents who are watching them die?
THAT'S something to feel sorry about. Not an adult man who opts to
revisit his pain over and over again, heaping
it all on you, instead of being brave enough to face
it head-on and take direct responsibility for it. Not someone who can
charmingly smile and say good-bye to houseguests, then turn around and
punch you the minute they pull out of the driveway. Part
of this man's hook is his
'childlike hurt'. "Life is so good when he isn't abusing, I
couldn't ask for a better man." Couldn't you?
Yes, the hardest thing you may ever have to do is to find the courage
to leave. You can leave, and you can make it on your own. Your
situation isn't any different than many others - you may think it is
special, but it's not. Just look at mine - no car, no driver's license,
no money, no help from anyone, four kids, systemic lupus, emphysema,
and MS. If someone in my situation can do it - then most assuredly, you
And stop thinking that if you
somehow 'change' the abuse will stop. You mean that if you can go
through the rest of your 'one-and-only' life without ever burning a
meal again, that everything will be honky-dory? You don't really believe that, do you? You don't
need to change - he does.
You can have the very best
man and have the most wonderful marriage - without the high cost.
Whether emotional, verbal,
mental, physical, or a combination of all - abuse wears you down. You
go from a happy, care-free woman (remember those days before
him) to days of consuming feelings of resentment, anger,
depression and growing insecurity. When you look into the mirror you
see a shell of a person, with no life left in their eyes. Go right now
and look in the mirror - you'll be surprised to see the 'life' is no
longer there. You are empty. Hollow. This relationship is not making
you a 'whole' person, it is making you a 'non-person'.
- Over 1,300 women are killed each year by their
husbands, ex-husbands, or boyfriends
- An estimated three to four million women each
year silently endure abuse or travel to hospital emergency rooms
following an assault by their husbands or partners
- In Canada, 1 woman is killed every 3 days by a
man known to her
- Nationwide, every 15 seconds a women is
beaten, every three minutes a woman is raped, every six hours a women
- Last year, in Arizona alone, there were 21,931
crisis-shelter calls of domestic violence. A staggering fourteen
percent of all homicides were domestic violence related. (Source:
Arizona Republic, December 6, 2000). A woman had a better chance to
become a victim by her Knight in Shining Armor, than a single woman out
alone at night
- Domestic violence is the #1 cause of
emergency-room visits by women nationwide
- Eighty-eight percent of women in prison are
victims of domestic violence
- More than 3 million children witness acts of
domestic violence nationwide every year
- Children of abused mothers are six
times as likely to attempt suicide and 50 percent more likely
to abuse drugs and alcohol
published by Tigress Luv & Glass Slipper publishing, the Breakup Gurus. For more
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