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Breakup Grief Stages
Stages of Healing After a Break Up
an article by Tigress Luv
Grief is a very personal
thing. You can not explain it. Grief is an emotion, and like the
essence of a rose, emotions are indescribable in words. Every grief is
different. The way you grieve may be entirely different than the way I
grieve, yet both of us will probably share many of the same grief
symptoms: Sorrow, anger, loneliness, sadness, shame, anxiety, guilt
pain, loss, blame, emptiness, and depression.
Five Stages Of Grief
1. Denial and Isolation. At
first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from
our friends, family, co-workers, and social contacts. This stage may
last anywhere from a few minutes to months, depending on each
individuals grieving style.
2. Anger. After the reality
sets in you might become very angry, even furious with your ex. Hell
hath no fury like a woman scorned or a man rejected.
Most of us , too, will become angry with ourselves for even letting the
event take place, right up to the point of blaming
ourself for the entire breakup. We inevitably go through the "if I
only's" and the "I should have or shouldn't have done this or that's"...
3. Bargaining. This is where
we start to make bargains with God; beg with our exes to take us back;
and try to turn friends, co-workers, and family members into
co-conspirators on our obsessive quest to gain this person back. We
call our exes with invented tragedies, or emergencies, just to make
contact ; we try to 'accidentally' run into them somewhere where we
know they might be; we decide we immediately need to retrieve that old
sweater we left in their apartment...all in hopes that...well, you
know! And if we do manage to get their attention, if only for
those 'accidental' few minutes, we immediately lose all self-respect
and start begging or crying, "If I do this or don't do that, will you
please, please take me back?" Yep..it is at this time that we become
unattractive & desperate beggars, pleading with our
exes to please (please..PLEASE) take us back and give us another
chance. This is the blind stage where we tend to take the blame,
mistakenly believing that "we" did something wrong and another chance
will miraculously cure the problem. All we manage to do is strip
ourselves of our pride, self-respect, and dignity, leaving us to feel
humiliated and rejected...oh, argh!
4. Depression. We start to feel numb and turn into
zombies. Our anger and sadness may still be there but remains hidden
and masquerades as a depressed state. We barricade ourselves in our
home or apartment, close the drapes, and refuse to get out of bed. We
call in sick at work and cancel plans with friends. We only answer the
phone in hopes that it may be 'them' calling, and when we
discover it's not them the cycle begins all over again. In order to
break the cycle you need to reach Stage 5.
5. Acceptance. Finally it's
over! The anger has passed, the sadness has tapered off, the depression
has lifted and we see reality and it feels great. We will survive!
you can reach stage five more easily.
more information about getting over the pain of breakup, please read How to Get Over a Breakup
Stage 1. Acknowledge your grief. Denying your
feelings is harder on the body and mind than going through them. Wallow
in them if you want, wail out loud, punch your pillow, cry to your
mother, write sad poems, let your heart mourn....it's your grief and
it's very real. Allowing grief to surface is the only way to let it go.
Without this difficult stage we could never move pass the loss. Don't
feel pressured to hide or deny your emotions, but to accept
them for what they are.
Stage 2. Allow your anger but
resist the temptation to place blame. Stage two is usually short-lived.
A healthy lifestyle will be most beneficial in getting you through this
stage. Grieving and stress usually pass more quickly with good
self-care habits, eating balanced diets, plenty of fluids, exercise,
and adequate rest. When you start to feel 'self-blaming' then pamper
yourself with a bath, rent your favorite movie, go for a hike or bike
ride, buy a new puppy, tour your local museum, or visit your family or
close friends. Taking special care of yourself re-establishes your
self-value and worth. When you pamper yourself you again feel good
about yourself and the need to place blame disappears.
Note: Our emotions always run their highest in the late evenings. I
have no idea why! I read just today to keep a calendar by your bed and
for each day fill in a different thought, it can be anything. Such as
one day the thought would be about growing a flower/vegetable garden
and what kinds of plants you would plant, the next what you would buy
your mother if you suddenly won a million dollars...things like that.
Then at night, before you go to bed, look at your calendar and that is
the thought you are to have when you close your eyes. Sounds like fun
even if you weren't having a difficult time!
Stage 3. Three simple steps! Intercept, resist, and divert by
redirecting. Whenever you feel that urge to give in and try
to contact your ex, stop! Intercept your
thoughts, resist the temptation and divert
by redirecting your interests elsewhere with more
self-gratifying activities. You will feel so much better when you walk
away with your pride intact and your head held high. Believe me, there
is nothing worse then the feeling of loss of dignity. Our dignity is
our self-temple. It's how we judge ourselves as human beings. It's
where we place our worth. And there's nothing better than the
feeling of our own strength as we resist the temptation and redirect
ourselves to a more productive course.
Stage 4. Depression is a
symptom of suppressed emotions. If you followed my directions and
allowed your feelings to surface, took good care of yourself, and did
not give in to placing blame, you should be able to slip through this
stage with barely more than a one day "oh, woe is me" sigh!
Stage 5. Doesn't it feel great
to be out of a relationship that was so wrong for you? As your dark
clouds have now parted you should feel a beautiful, cleansed feeling.
Your soul has been reawakened and you see all the beauty that surrounds
you. You are truly an amazing person and so fortunate to have a whole
life time of special moments ahead of you! For added encouragement in
acceptance check out this post from the Codependents Support Group board at iVillage. Very inciting.
published by Tigress Luv & Glass Slipper publishing, the Breakup Gurus. For more
breakup advice and forums please join us at the Lifted Hearts Breakup
Support Forums & Community at http://liftedhearts.com.
Stop your breakup here!
Thank you for visiting! Tigress
Luv, The Breakup Guru
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