A Blueprint for Finding
By Janet Bush
Dear Doctor Single,
This is a more general question than
most, but maybe the answer will help people other than just myself. After
reading lots of the articles on doctorsingle.com I think Im ready to
take the plunge and start dating again (over a year after a bad breakup).
Can you summarize what the most important steps are to take now that Im
in the dating mindset again?
A bit nervous in Chicago
Dear A bit nervous in
Congratulations on taking things slow
and not jumping into a rebound relationship to try to avoid dealing with
anger, hurt, and many other emotions that you were likely experiencing since
your breakup. Thats the first bit of advice. And youve already
The next point is to be clear about
your dating goals: are you looking for a casual friend or two to hang out
with and just have fun with (no strings attached) or is your
purpose in dating to find someone with whom you can build a long-term
relationship and possibly even marry? This question is important and should
really be decided on upfront. And, you should be honest about your intentions
with those you date to avoid hurt and confusion. Earlier is always better
than later to have this kind of candid talk. (And, believe what those you
date tell you are their intentions, as well. Dont think youll
be the one to change a 'commitment-phobes mind! This is probably more
fantasy than reality.)
If your goal is to find a lifelong
partner, choose with your head and be aware of the seduction of becoming
awash in lust hormones that inevitably diminish in a few months!
Make sure that theres at least a decent chance that you and your love
interest can create a happy future together based on a foundation of love,
common interests, goals, and core beliefs. It helps to make a list of criteria
that are important to you before you get sucked into what may turn out to
be a disastrous short term liaison with someone not very compatible with
you. This will help you stay connected to your rational side when you find
yourself attracted physically to someone out of the blue and can serve as
a red or at least amber! - light before things get out of hand.
Next, use the best means available
to meet a potential partner. If youre into sailing, consider joining
a sailing club. If youre into cooking, consider taking a few gourmet
or ethnic cooking classes. Whatever your interests are, youll greatly
increase the odds of meeting someone who is truly compatible with you if
you spread your wings to increase the eligibility net. If you
sign up for an online dating service (which is often a good idea), pay close
attention to written profiles of potential dates and avoid getting caught
up in just communicating with those whose photos you find most attractive
(although physical attraction is important, as well).
And, finally, realize that you may
meet and date many potential partners before the right person for you (and
them!) comes along. Thats what dating is all about! Dont be
discouraged if this takes more time than you think it should. Youll
be better off in the long run!
Hope this helps,
published by Tigress Luv & Glass Slipper publishing, the Breakup Gurus. For more
breakup advice and forums please join us at the Lifted Hearts Breakup
Support Forums & Community at http://liftedhearts.com.
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