than a big ol' bowl of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream, break up help
and advice from our very own DrPhil.....
THAN A BIG OL' BOWL OF BEN & JERRY'S ICE CREAM :)
Slipper Publishing (You may join our mailing list by clicking here)
I just LOVE our Lifted Hearts
'Brokenheartsville' Community! We have so many 'very special'
and insightful members there ... members who know relationships,
breakups, commitmentphobia, codependency, broken hearts, etc...inside
and out! And one of our very special members goes by the name 'DrPhil'
.... no, he's not thee Dr.
Phil, but boy does he have the gift of making sense out of
the senseless! He recently posted this reply (below) to a woman on our
message boards. I thought his reply was so insightful that I just had
to share it with you in this week's newsletter. Remember, as a
subscriber to this newsletter you can join this very special community
(and get all our eBooks for free!) and get help at our message boards
for the discount price of just $19 (regular priced at $57) by going to http://liftedhearts.com
Reply Post Begins Here>>>
Hi, and welcome to the forum!
Sorry for the REASON why you are here, but you have come to an
incredible place of compassionate and very smart people...and me... ;o)
I think you will find a LOT of great advice and support here.
And trust me, we are a lot of people here who
understand your pain and frustration. We have all been there.
And let me assure you, that you WILL be fine eventually.
This will be a trying time for you, but also one where you can truly
learn a LOT and come out on the other side stronger than you were
I know you are in a dark place right now - but you WILL get thru it!
Let me start and see if I can be of any help.
First of all: You are making a LOT of assumptions
about your (ex?)BF and his thoughts and motives.
You say that you don´t understand why he says A but then does B.
As frustrating as it is, we can NEVER know what other people are
thinking or feeling - and so spending time wondering about it will
often be completely futile and usually very wrong compared to what is
REALLY going on inside them.
What we CAN know, however, is what they DO. His actions are FACTS, not
When in doubt, look at his actions!
He SAYS he is not involved with another woman. But what are his
He IS with another woman.
( I know you KNOW this - but it can be almost
impossible to fathom or accept. But the sooner you face the facts, the
sooner you can deal with REALITY - and get better).
How does that make you feel? Disrespected,
frustrated, sad, panicky- I would imagine (add your own adjectives
The most important question is then; how will YOU
react to his actions?
Do you want this in your life?
Do you want to try and save the relationship?
And that might be hard to answer right now, since you are in emotional
turmoil, judging from your post.
So when you are NOT in balance inside, the best thing to do is NOTHING.
You will most certainly make very bad calls if you act while in panic
or turmoil inside.
I have included a To-Do list further down.
Your BFs new squeeze:
As hard as it is not to do this, please do not make her the center of
This situation has NOTHING to do with her.
She may be a rebound-thing, something to get his mind off of the
problems at hand - or he might think it´s the best thing since sliced
Who knows? And more importantly: Who cares??
She has got NOTHING to do with this, and her reaction - as frustrating
as it may be - is absolutely understandable.
You say she is EVIL! Nah, I don´t think so. Selfish and thoughtless
perhaps. But evil? No.
She just doesn´t have anything emotionally invested in you, and so she
sees you from the outside - and more importantly: thru the eyes of your
So forget about her. She wouldn´t even BE in
the picture, if it weren´t for your (ex)BF.
Focus on HIS actions, not hers.
She is immaterial at this point.
Whatever arrangements you make regarding your daughter and her seeing
your (ex)BF is between the three of you - NOT including his "friend".
So here is my recommendation to what I think you should do. Now!
(I posted this previously for one of my esteemed brothers in pain, but
I believe it applies to you, too).
STEP 1: GO SEE A DOCTOR (OPTIONAL)!
The next few weeks are going to be tough. But you already know this.
That´s exactly why it is CRUCIAL that you get all the help you can.
Nerve pills, sleeping pills, anti-deps - talk to your doctor about that
[this step is optional]. But make sure you do it
I am not advocating pills as a solution for everything life throws at
you - but this is an emergency situation, and you need all the calm,
sleep and nutrition you can get.
Medicine will help a long way - and making sure you eat (FORCE yourself
if you have to!) will both help you get over this better and faster.
Getting sick and malnourished on top of a heartbreak is NOT what you
So see a doc!
STEP 2: KEEP SEEING A THERAPIST
Great move, that you already contacted one!!
It shows that you want to take care of yourself and your kids.
Keep seeing him/her. It sounds like it´s of great value to you.
STEP 3: GET SUPPORT FROM FRIENDS AND FAMILY
And NOW is the time to call your good friend(s) and/or family!
We are also here for you - but having someone THERE in the flesh is
important right now.
STEP 4: NO CONTACT
Unless your kids HAVE to see him due to work or
other crucial circumstances, you need to go completely dark.
"No contact" - a term you will here a LOT on this type of forums - or
"NC" for short, means absolutely no contact directly or indirectly with
If he calls you ignore the call, if he writes you ignore the email etc
If you NEED to have contact, keep it at a MINIMUM!
Called "LC" or "Limited Contact" - it´s the bare minimum, and nothing
Factual and polite exchanges of practical issues etc.
Why? NC is for YOU.
It is the only viable way right now for you to get away from the toxic
relationship and start focussing on you. Not him, not the relationship.
You need peace, distance and no outside influence from him to do this.
How long? As long as it takes.
It can be tough, it can seem like an endless walk in the desert, but
trust me - it´s vital to your own well-being.
STEP 5: YOUR CHILDREN!
There is no way to sugarcoat this.
You have two kids. Children that are SO much more important to you than
your BF right now.
No matter how torn you may feel inside - you HAVE!!! to pull yourself
up off the floor and be the best you can be for them!
Not only do they need you - but they are also SO much more real and
give you SO much more real love, than your BF ever will be able to.
So there is no way around this. You need to prioritize your kids.
Please do not make them your friends and confidants in this process -
this is a grownup situation that you need to solve with other grownups
- but simply focus on being their mom.
Step 6: Working on yourself.
You may probably say "Yeah, right - focus on myself my ass. I can´t
focus on anything but my ex ..."
And I KNOW how hard it can be.
But to the extent that you can, please FORCE yourself to focus on YOU
and your kids first and foremost.
The more energy and time you put in him, thinking about him, writing
him etc - the less time you spend on YOU.
It can be tough - but please try to prioritize YOU.
As for feeling shitty: Welcome to
Breakup Country! :)
You may have read bout "waves".
If not, they are emotional ups and downs that can change from minute to
minute, hour to hour.
One hour elated and "clear", the next gutted and missing your ex like
It feels very scary at first, but that´s mainly fear of the unknown -
"why am I feeling like this? Am I going nuts??".
Later on, you will feel uncomfortable but not scared anymore.
It´s a perfectly natural - albeit frustrating - part of the breakup you
are going thru.
Beware that you might encounter a classic
"syndrome" called FOG. Fear, Obligation, Guilt.
And it´s what happens to a lot of people (the dumpee) after a nasty
Fear of your ex and his actions and hold on you. Obligation towards
him...taking care of him, listening to him, fixing his problems, trying
to get him to "see" your POV etc.
Guilt: "It was probably MY fault!!", "If only I....then...". etc
It´s a different story - I just wanted to let you know, that it´s
OK, that was a HUGE load of info and tips all at once.
Sorry, hope you can digest it.
This WILL be a journey for you - no matter if it leads back to your
(ex)BF and a R/S with him, or to a new life with another partner.
And the good news is, there are LOTS of things to learn, see and
experience on this journey.
And we will be here for you ALL the way.
Let me know if all this makes sense to you.
Best of luck! :)
<<<End of DrPhil's Post>>>
Well, DrPhil's postings are such a hit with the girls at our
community's message boards that we have now given him his very own
forum entitled 'The Male Perspective'. Why not join
our family today and ask our very own 'DrPhil' your question?
Remember, when you join our community you get ALL of our
for free! See what this includes at http://liftedhearts.com
Today's Inspiration, Poem
"Are you going
to bring the woman back here and pop open a bottle of chloroform?"
From the movie, 'My Best Friend's Girl'
Prayer or Thought:
"Those who have never gone through a breakup have never truly
grown as a person. They spend their days in a complete whiteout, not
knowing how to feel their soul, touch the sky, or hear the spirit
whisper in the wind. Only through a broken heart do we blossom into
fragrant flowers with the infinite wisdom of a sage and an omniscient
spirit in perfect balance with all-creation." ~Tigress Luv,
The Break Up Guru
a reminder that our Breakup
Support Forums & Community has room for you!
Membership is only $19 to YOU at http://liftedhearts.com !
Thank you for reading this week's newsletter! As always, we welcome
feedback and new ideas for future newsletters.
Have a great week everyone!
By Tigress Luv
published by Tigress Luv & Glass Slipper publishing, the Breakup Gurus. For more
breakup advice and forums please join us at the Lifted Hearts Breakup
Support Forums & Community at http://liftedhearts.com.
Stop your breakup here!