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by Tigress Luv, The Breakup Guru & by Glass Slipper Publishing

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Advice on Relationship, Breakup, Commitmentphobia, Abuse, Codependency, Narcissist and Narcissism, Breaking Up, Poetry, Poems, articles, blogs, newsletters, books and more...

Love, break up grief, and relationship issue advice for breaking up and mending a broken heart

 

DEPENDENT PERSONALITY DISORDER

For many of us an 'unwelcomed' breakup leaves us needy and dependent on our ex and unhappy in our newfound 'singleness'.....

HAS YOUR BREAKUP GIVEN YOU A CASE OF THE 'DPD's'?
by Glass Slipper Publishing 

Has Your Breakup Given You a Case of the 'DPD's'?

For many of us an 'unwelcomed' breakup leaves us needy and dependent on our ex and unhappy in our newfound 'singleness'. For some, these feelings can be intensified to the point where we become obsessive, leaving us with symptoms of borderline 'Dependent Personality Disorder'.

For the most part our 'temporary' Dependent Personality Disorder is short-lived and usually dissipates once our grief has passed, and we overcome the fear and discomfort commonly felt when suddenly going from 'two' to 'one'. For others, though, their Dependent Personality Disorder has always been a very real - but maybe unacknowledged - characteristic of their governing nature.

When in a relationship, most people will see their partner as an equal, one with complimentary characteristics that combine with ours to make us feel 'complete' and 'whole'. However, those of us with Dependent Personality Disorder view our partners as our 'Saviors' with the ability to take over the complete caretaking of us - an ability that we seem to be lacking. Therefore, people with Dependent Personality Disorder do not have partners as much as they have 'Saviors'. 'The Savior' is basically 'everything' to the person with Dependent Personality Disorder, and they quickly latch on to them much the same way a drowning man clings to a life preserver.

To a person with Dependent Personality Disorder, 'Their Savior' represents ALL THINGS crucial to their own survival and wellbeing. Their 'Savior" takes on these many roles: their caretaker, their sentinel, their guide, their tender, their defender, their protector, their overseer, their bodyguard, their deacon, their personal guardian, their guardian angel, their white knight, their benefactor, their promoter, their restorer, their leader, their keeper, their organizer, their 'person-upstairs', their paladin, their anchor, their backbone, their citadel, their rescuer, their redeemer, and their lifeline.

When faced with the prospect of losing 'The Savior', the person with Dependent Personality Disorder is faced with feelings of anxiety, panic, despair, and an intense fear that are equally comparable to that of losing one's own life-sustaining oxygen.

The below list contains the symptoms or characteristics of Dependent Personality Disorder. Relating to five or more of these will make you a candidate for the diagnosis of this disorder, and may also help you understand your intense need to regain a lost partner, or your inability to heal from an already broken relationship. It may also point to you why some of you may jump into relationships, one right after another, before even healing from the breakup of the previous one.

You ready? Here we go (take deep breath!)....

** Unable to reach decisions on their own: The person with Dependent Personality Disorder has the incapability and inability to make a decision on their own. Therefore they are constantly seeking the advice, guidance, or reassurance of others on even life's little choices; they find great difficulty in making personal decisions without the direct input of others. Non-confidence in choices made by self, they find themselves constantly seeking help and advice from outside sources on things in their life.


>>Do you say to others "What should I do?" more often than you say "Here's what I need to do!"?

** Letting others define their life choices: Needing or requesting others to make the major choices that effect their personal life, such as where to go to college, what career to pursue, what color to paint their own home, which make or model of car to purchase, or even when to have a child. The person with Dependent Personality Disorder turns to others to help run their own life as they feel incompetent to do this themselves.

>>Do you say to others "What would you do?" more often than you say "Here's what I'm going to do!"?

The person with Dependent Personality Disorder avoids taking personal or direct responsibility for their own life and they stay clear of any areas in their life, whether at work or at home, which might require them to take either a complete or a partial independent control over a function or situation.

>>Do you say "How can I be expected to do that?" more often then you say "Here's how that should be done!"

** Abandonment anxiety: Irrational, unrealistic or intense fear of being rejected, abandoned, or deserted. Increased agitation, anxiety or distress if a relationship ends, and aversion to accepting the end of a relationship. Unable to bear caring for themselves, and having great difficulty being alone, the person with Dependent Personality Disorder may swiftly move onto another relationship right after a breakup, or become preoccupied with a current ex and seek unhealthy methods to regain that ex back.

When in a relationship they may have a preoccupation with the fear of being abandoned, or left to care for themselves, as they find great difficulty in the ability to be independent or self-dependent. They may feel they only have self-worth when within a relationship. They may also already have another 'Savior' waiting in the sidelines just 'in case' they are abandoned by their current one.

>>Do you say to others "Are you thinking of leaving me?" more often than you say "Here's what you need to do in order to keep me!"?

** Hyper-vigilance or over-sensitivity to criticisms or disapproval: As with narcissism, the person with Dependent Personality Disorder lives in constant fear of being rejected or abandoned. This preoccupation makes them hypervigilant to any insults, disapprovals, aspersions, or criticism which could prove to them that they are at risk of being rejected because whom they are may be 'imperfect' and, thereby, worthy of abandonment.

The average person may be hurt by an insult or criticism, but the person with Dependent Personality Disorder may be devastated and panic-stricken at the thought of being not 'worthy' enough to keep 'Their Savior'.

>>Do you say to others "I fear I am this [place bad thing here] or that [place other bad thing here] that he/she accuses me of… " more often than you say "He/She better NEVER, EVER use those abusive words towards me again, and I let him/her know this in no uncertain terms!"?

** Pessimistic to the prospect of being alone: The Dependent Personality Disorder is marked by a pessimistic character, dreadfully lacking in self-confidence and self-reliance and fearful of the possibility of having to tend for themselves. The person with Dependent Personality Disorder does not feel safe in their own care, as they genuinely believe that they are not capable of a position that requires a competent person.

>>Do you think "OMG, I hope he doesn't go out camping with the guys!" more often than you think "YAY! Me time! I get the house all to myself for three whole glorious days!!!"?

** The original "Yes Man': The person with Dependent Personality Disorder will avoid saying 'no', or find it difficult to disagree with others. They take on unpleasant tasks, risk losing dignity, sacrifice their own time and wellbeing for that of doing for another, and will most likely never disagree with anyone - all out of an unreasonable fear of losing their much needed support or to win the approval from those around them. Because of a fear of alienation or abandonment, they are likely to accept abuse or they may be more tolerant of mistreatment or disrespect and have a willingness to accept these things as a normal part of their life and their relationship, or as a necessity needed to keep their relationship intact.

>>Do you say to others "Of course I don't mind belittling myself to do this unpleasant thing for you" more often than you say "Are you kidding me?! I want NO PART of that disgusting request!"?


The person with Dependent Personality Disorder can be somewhat of a sycophant and will offer a compliment even when it is unwarranted. They will never give another even 'constructive criticism' for fear of losing the other's approval.

>>Would you 'dishonestly' say to another "You look absolutely fabulous in that red dress" more often than you would 'honestly' say "Well, I don't really care for that red dress on you. I think blue is more your color!"?


** Lacking motivation: The person with Dependent Personality Disorder's lack of self-confidence and feelings of ineptness leaves them with a fear of failure to succeed, or even a fear of 'success' itself. This fear can lead them to an inability to start or initiate projects for themselves or for others. They may avoid seeking advancements in their career because of the added responsibility an advancement may place on them, or they may avoid certain situations which require any skill - a skill which they believe others may have but that they, themselves, most certainly are not capable of possessing.

Ironically, they may also believe that if they do start a project or task - and are a success at it - that they then may lose their much-needed 'Savior'. Because of this - and maybe on a subconscious level - the person with Dependent Personality Disorder may purposely fail at most endeavors that they set out to do. They have the need to display helplessness, or to constantly be failing and needy, in order to 'keep' their Savior feeling concerned enough for their care to stay with them. (Many people do stay with another simply because they believe the other is incapable of taking care of themselves, or of getting the job done correctly.)

>>Do you say "I tried doing that and just look at the mess I made of it!" more often then you say "Hey, check out what I just did! Impressive, isn't it?"

** Placing themselves last: Putting the needs and wants of 'Their Savior' above their own needs and wants, the person with Dependent Personality Disorder will often go 'without' so that their partners, friends, family, or co-workers will not. Almost all who suffer with Dependent Personality Disorder will go above and beyond for the 'Saviors' in their life. They will place undue emotional and physical burdens upon themselves in order to please their Saviors … even at the costs of their very own safety and happiness.

>>Do you say "Sure, I can do that for you! I'm willing to do anything for you!" more often then you say "Sorry, I can't help you with that … I'm busy with my own life right now."

** Magical thinking: People with Dependent Personality Disorders have a tendency to be childlike, gullible, and trusting. They display an avoidance of reality and frequently give in to bouts of 'magical thinking'. Oftentimes at the end of a relationship they are left shocked and dumbfounded, never 'expecting' it as they believed they did everything in their power to make the other person happy and never saw the breakup coming. Whether their naivety is feigned in order to avoid having to take self-responsibility or face the 'real world' is unknown to me. I, personally, tend to think that to some degree it is an 'intellectual laziness' on the behalf of the Dependent.

The only thing left for the person with Dependent Personality Disorder to do is to try and keep their Savior at all cost and to live in dreaded fear of being left alone without their Savior. They will silently live with and tolerate grave injustices, poor treatment, abuse, disrespect, and infidelities in exchange for not being alone and reliant or dependent on themselves. I sometimes refer to people who do this as someone who would 'rather be miserable in a relationship than be alone and outside of one'.

Having much the same characteristics of Narcissism, the person with Dependent Personality Disorder is often very much drawn to the Narcissist, and may have an especially hard time when the relationship ends. Their 'magical thinking' makes the realization that they have lost their 'Magic Savior' even more hard to grasp, and they find it difficult to understand that the narcissistic 'image' of the person they have latched onto is not that of a real person, but rather a 'faked' persona that the Narcissist has displayed to them.

Because of their willingness to do 'anything' for 'Their Savior' a person with Dependent Personality Disorder is often left penniless and friendless at the end of their relationship with a Narcissist. For the Dependent, healing from a breakup with a Narcissist can be one of the most impossible feats to accomplish.

If you do relate to this disorder do not despair! Fortunately for you this is one of those disorders that responds well to psychotherapy, and has an excellent recovery rate! Many benefit, too, from group therapy, recognizing more easily their own undesirable traits when they hear it related out loud by other members who also share this commonality. The goal is to teach the person with this disorder how to have more self-confidence, how to avoid anxiety when separated from others and become more independent and self-dependent, how to form healthy relationships, and how to avoid destructive attachments. Just be careful not to transfer your dependency onto your therapist, or make them take on the new role of Savior. This should be one time in particular that you do not allow yourself to 'attach'. :)

Sometimes just a mere diagnosis is enough to get the person well on their way to a better and happier lifestyle, free from the 'Chains that Bind'.

Well, I started out wanting to just write a few paragraphs for this week's newsletter, but, as usual, I went on and on :) … LOL

Also, this week I put up a NEW website (Yes, it's TOTALLY FREE!) for added help for those who love a narcissist. Although I don't have too much content on it yet, I MORE than welcome your input and feedback on the articles! You can find the site at http://narcissistic.co - please make a note that it is '.co' and NOT '.com'! Narcissistic Co!

For more information about breaking up with a narcissist, or to join our new narcissist support forum and read some of our insightful posts, please visit 'Breaking Up With Your Narcissist' at http://breakingupwithyournarcissist.com.

Section 2

Today's Inspiration, Poem or Quote:

"At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self." - Brendan Francis

Today's Prayer or Thought:

"Today I'll stop seeking my happiness as that of something that only another can give me. Today I'll start looking for happiness in another direction - and that is by loving and accepting myself more. Today I am perfectly happy in holding my own hand, as I am my new best friend. Today I learn that only I can bring the sun up in my morning.

Just for today I will embrace myself, with all the rapture of a maternal love. Today I will cradle my inner child, and rock its fears away.
" ~~Tigress Luv, The Break Up Guru

Just a reminder that our Breakup Support Forums & Community has room for you! Membership is only $19 to YOU at http://liftedhearts.com !

Thank you for reading this week's newsletter! As always, we welcome feedback and new ideas for future newsletters.

Have a great week everyone!

Tigress Luv

Article published by Tigress Luv & Glass Slipper publishing, the Breakup Gurus. For more breakup advice and forums please join us at the Lifted Hearts Breakup Support Forums & Community at http://liftedhearts.com.

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