many of us an 'unwelcomed' breakup leaves us needy and dependent on our
ex and unhappy in our newfound 'singleness'.....
YOUR BREAKUP GIVEN YOU A CASE OF THE 'DPD's'?
Has Your Breakup Given You a Case of the
For many of us an 'unwelcomed' breakup leaves us needy and dependent on
our ex and unhappy in our newfound 'singleness'. For some, these
feelings can be intensified to the point where we become obsessive,
leaving us with symptoms of borderline 'Dependent Personality
For the most part our 'temporary' Dependent Personality Disorder is
short-lived and usually dissipates once our grief has passed, and we
overcome the fear and discomfort commonly felt when suddenly going from
'two' to 'one'. For others, though, their Dependent Personality
Disorder has always been a very real - but maybe unacknowledged -
characteristic of their governing nature.
When in a relationship, most people will see their partner as an equal,
one with complimentary characteristics that combine with ours to make
us feel 'complete' and 'whole'. However, those of us with Dependent
Personality Disorder view our partners as our 'Saviors' with the
ability to take over the complete caretaking of us - an ability that we
seem to be lacking. Therefore, people with Dependent Personality
Disorder do not have partners as much as they have 'Saviors'. 'The
Savior' is basically 'everything' to the person with Dependent
Personality Disorder, and they quickly latch on to them much the same
way a drowning man clings to a life preserver.
To a person with Dependent Personality Disorder, 'Their Savior'
represents ALL THINGS crucial to their own survival and wellbeing.
Their 'Savior" takes on these many roles: their caretaker, their
sentinel, their guide, their tender, their defender, their protector,
their overseer, their bodyguard, their deacon, their personal guardian,
their guardian angel, their white knight, their benefactor, their
promoter, their restorer, their leader, their keeper, their organizer,
their 'person-upstairs', their paladin, their anchor, their backbone,
their citadel, their rescuer, their redeemer, and their lifeline.
When faced with the prospect of losing 'The Savior', the person with
Dependent Personality Disorder is faced with feelings of anxiety,
panic, despair, and an intense fear that are equally comparable to that
of losing one's own life-sustaining oxygen.
The below list contains the symptoms or characteristics of Dependent
Personality Disorder. Relating to five or more of these will make you a
candidate for the diagnosis of this disorder, and may also help you
understand your intense need to regain a lost partner, or your
inability to heal from an already broken relationship. It may also
point to you why some of you may jump into relationships, one right
after another, before even healing from the breakup of the previous one.
You ready? Here we go (take deep breath!)....
** Unable to reach decisions on their own: The
person with Dependent Personality Disorder has the incapability and
inability to make a decision on their own. Therefore they are
constantly seeking the advice, guidance, or reassurance of others on
even life's little choices; they find great difficulty in making
personal decisions without the direct input of others. Non-confidence
in choices made by self, they find themselves constantly seeking help
and advice from outside sources on things in their life.
>>Do you say to others
"What should I do?" more often than you say "Here's what I need to
** Letting others define their life
choices: Needing or requesting
others to make the major choices that effect their personal life, such
as where to go to college, what career to pursue, what color to paint
their own home, which make or model of car to purchase, or even when to
have a child. The person with Dependent Personality Disorder turns to
others to help run their own life as they feel incompetent to do this
>>Do you say to others "What would
you do?" more often than you say "Here's what I'm going to do!"?
The person with Dependent Personality Disorder avoids taking personal
or direct responsibility for their own life and they stay clear of any
areas in their life, whether at work or at home, which might require
them to take either a complete or a partial independent control over a
function or situation.
>>Do you say "How can I be expected
to do that?" more often then you say "Here's how that should be done!"
** Abandonment anxiety: Irrational,
unrealistic or intense fear of being rejected, abandoned, or deserted.
Increased agitation, anxiety or distress if a relationship ends, and
aversion to accepting the end of a relationship. Unable to bear caring
for themselves, and having great difficulty being alone, the person
with Dependent Personality Disorder may swiftly move onto another
relationship right after a breakup, or become preoccupied with a
current ex and seek unhealthy methods to regain that ex back.
When in a relationship they may have a preoccupation with the fear of
being abandoned, or left to care for themselves, as they find great
difficulty in the ability to be independent or self-dependent. They may
feel they only have self-worth when within a relationship. They may
also already have another 'Savior' waiting in the sidelines just 'in
case' they are abandoned by their current one.
>>Do you say to others "Are you thinking of
leaving me?" more often than you say "Here's what you need to do in
order to keep me!"?
** Hyper-vigilance or over-sensitivity to
criticisms or disapproval: As with narcissism, the person
with Dependent Personality Disorder lives in constant fear of being
rejected or abandoned. This preoccupation makes them hypervigilant to
any insults, disapprovals, aspersions, or criticism which could prove
to them that they are at risk of being rejected because whom they are
may be 'imperfect' and, thereby, worthy of abandonment.
The average person may be hurt by an insult or criticism, but the
person with Dependent Personality Disorder may be devastated and
panic-stricken at the thought of being not 'worthy' enough to keep
>>Do you say to others "I fear I am
this [place bad thing here] or that [place
other bad thing here] that he/she accuses me of… " more often
than you say "He/She better NEVER, EVER use those abusive words towards
me again, and I let him/her know this in no uncertain terms!"?
** Pessimistic to the prospect of being alone: The
Dependent Personality Disorder is marked by a pessimistic character,
dreadfully lacking in self-confidence and self-reliance and fearful of
the possibility of having to tend for themselves. The person with
Dependent Personality Disorder does not feel safe in their own care, as
they genuinely believe that they are not capable of a position that
requires a competent person.
>>Do you think "OMG, I hope he
doesn't go out camping with the guys!" more often than you think "YAY!
Me time! I get the house all to myself for three whole glorious
** The original "Yes Man': The person
with Dependent Personality Disorder will avoid saying 'no', or find it
difficult to disagree with others. They take on unpleasant tasks, risk
losing dignity, sacrifice their own time and wellbeing for that of
doing for another, and will most likely never disagree with anyone -
all out of an unreasonable fear of losing their much needed support or
to win the approval from those around them. Because of a fear of
alienation or abandonment, they are likely to accept abuse or they may
be more tolerant of mistreatment or disrespect and have a willingness
to accept these things as a normal part of their life and their
relationship, or as a necessity needed to keep their relationship
>>Do you say to others "Of course I don't mind belittling
myself to do this unpleasant thing for you" more often than you say
"Are you kidding me?! I want NO PART of that disgusting request!"?
The person with Dependent Personality Disorder can be somewhat of a
sycophant and will offer a compliment even when it is unwarranted. They
will never give another even 'constructive criticism' for fear of
losing the other's approval.
>>Would you 'dishonestly' say to
another "You look absolutely fabulous in that red dress" more often
than you would 'honestly' say "Well, I don't really care for that red
dress on you. I think blue is more your color!"?
** Lacking motivation: The person with Dependent Personality Disorder's lack of
self-confidence and feelings of ineptness leaves them with a fear of
failure to succeed, or even a fear of 'success' itself. This fear can
lead them to an inability to start or initiate projects for themselves
or for others. They may avoid seeking advancements in their career
because of the added responsibility an advancement may place on them,
or they may avoid certain situations which require any skill - a skill
which they believe others may have but that they, themselves, most
certainly are not capable of possessing.
Ironically, they may also believe that if they do start a project or
task - and are a success at it - that they then may lose their
much-needed 'Savior'. Because of this - and maybe on a subconscious
level - the person with Dependent Personality Disorder may purposely
fail at most endeavors that they set out to do. They have the need to
display helplessness, or to constantly be failing and needy, in order
to 'keep' their Savior feeling concerned enough for their care to stay
with them. (Many people do stay with another simply because they
believe the other is incapable of taking care of themselves, or of
getting the job done correctly.)
>>Do you say "I tried doing that and
just look at the mess I made of it!" more often then you say "Hey,
check out what I just did! Impressive, isn't it?"
** Placing themselves last: Putting the
needs and wants of 'Their Savior' above their own needs and wants, the
person with Dependent Personality Disorder will often go 'without' so
that their partners, friends, family, or co-workers will not. Almost
all who suffer with Dependent Personality Disorder will go above and
beyond for the 'Saviors' in their life. They will place undue emotional
and physical burdens upon themselves in order to please their Saviors …
even at the costs of their very own safety and happiness.
>>Do you say "Sure, I can do that for you! I'm
willing to do anything for you!" more often then you say "Sorry, I
can't help you with that … I'm busy with my own life right now."
** Magical thinking: People with
Dependent Personality Disorders have a tendency to be childlike,
gullible, and trusting. They display an avoidance of reality and
frequently give in to bouts of 'magical thinking'. Oftentimes at the
end of a relationship they are left shocked and dumbfounded, never
'expecting' it as they believed they did everything in their power to
make the other person happy and never saw the breakup coming. Whether
their naivety is feigned in order to avoid having to take
self-responsibility or face the 'real world' is unknown to me. I,
personally, tend to think that to some degree it is an 'intellectual
laziness' on the behalf of the Dependent.
The only thing left for the person with Dependent Personality Disorder
to do is to try and keep their Savior at all cost and to live in
dreaded fear of being left alone without their Savior. They will
silently live with and tolerate grave injustices, poor treatment,
abuse, disrespect, and infidelities in exchange for not being alone and
reliant or dependent on themselves. I sometimes refer to people who do
this as someone who would 'rather be miserable in
a relationship than be alone and outside of one'.
Having much the same characteristics of Narcissism, the person with
Dependent Personality Disorder is often very much drawn to the
Narcissist, and may have an especially hard time when the relationship
ends. Their 'magical thinking' makes the realization that they have
lost their 'Magic Savior' even more hard to grasp, and they find it
difficult to understand that the narcissistic 'image' of the person
they have latched onto is not that of a real person, but rather a
'faked' persona that the Narcissist has displayed to them.
of their willingness to do 'anything' for 'Their Savior' a person with
Dependent Personality Disorder is often left penniless and friendless
at the end of their relationship with a Narcissist. For the Dependent,
healing from a breakup with a Narcissist can be one of the most
impossible feats to accomplish.
If you do relate to this disorder do not despair! Fortunately for you
this is one of those disorders that responds well to psychotherapy, and
has an excellent recovery rate! Many benefit, too, from group therapy,
recognizing more easily their own undesirable traits when they hear it
related out loud by other members who also share this commonality. The
goal is to teach the person with this disorder how to have more
self-confidence, how to avoid anxiety when separated from others and
become more independent and self-dependent, how to form healthy
relationships, and how to avoid destructive attachments. Just be
careful not to transfer your dependency onto your therapist, or make
them take on the new role of Savior. This should be one time in
particular that you do not allow yourself to 'attach'. :)
Sometimes just a mere diagnosis is enough to get the person well on
their way to a better and happier lifestyle, free from the 'Chains that
Well, I started out wanting to just write a few paragraphs for this
week's newsletter, but, as usual, I went on and on :) … LOL
Also, this week I put up a NEW website (Yes, it's TOTALLY FREE!) for
for those who love a narcissist. Although I don't have too
much content on it yet, I MORE than welcome your input and feedback on
the articles! You can find the site at http://narcissistic.co - please make a note that it is '.co' and NOT '.com'! Narcissistic Co!
For more information about breaking
up with a narcissist, or to join our new narcissist support forum and
read some of our insightful posts, please visit 'Breaking
Up With Your Narcissist' at http://breakingupwithyournarcissist.com.
Today's Inspiration, Poem
the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning
for union with one's lost self." - Brendan Francis
Prayer or Thought:
I'll stop seeking my happiness as that of something that only another
can give me. Today I'll start looking for happiness in another
direction - and that is by loving and accepting myself more. Today I am
perfectly happy in holding my own hand, as I am my new best friend.
Today I learn that only I can bring the sun up in my morning.
a reminder that our Breakup
Support Forums & Community has room for you!
Membership is only $19 to YOU at http://liftedhearts.com !
Just for today I will embrace myself, with all the rapture of a
maternal love. Today I will cradle my inner child, and rock its fears
away." ~~Tigress Luv, The Break Up Guru
Thank you for reading this week's newsletter! As always, we welcome
feedback and new ideas for future newsletters.
Have a great week everyone!
published by Tigress Luv & Glass Slipper publishing, the Breakup Gurus. For more
breakup advice and forums please join us at the Lifted Hearts Breakup
Support Forums & Community at http://liftedhearts.com.
Stop your breakup here!