The Demonizing Ex...EW!!!...
by Tigress Luv and Glass
This week we want to write about
For those who are not aware of this term it means the act of turning
someone's image into a 'demon'. In other words, and in regards to many
of the situations here, it basically means when an ex (one who had
loved, adored, or perhaps even 'worshipped' you when you were together)
all of a sudden starts to see evil, bad, or extreme ugliness in you, or
overt wrongdoings - when these wrongdoings never actually
happened! Translation: they 'twist' good or 'innocent' things
you do or have done around in their heads to fit into their distorted
(false) bad image of you.
A lot of people who don't want to break up will focus on the 'good'
parts of their ex, but those who want to break up and who do not want
to love their ex anymore (or who desperately want to get past the pain
and hurt) will focus on the ex's bad, and even make a list of all their
faults and flaws. This is quite NORMAL!
However, demonizing an ex is different in the respect that their 'bad
thoughts' go above and beyond the actual truth. Positive actions are
exaggerated into becoming negative actions, faults and flaws are
stretched out, and even 'good' memories of certain events (when
together) are distorted into becoming 'bad' memories of those same
If this has happened to you then you probably were dumbfounded how your
ex could so suddenly HATE you with a vengeance and think that you were
the most VILE creature to have ever walked this earth. It is flooring!
Demonizing goes above and beyond just a normal looking for
the bad in the ex in order to kill the pain of a breakup and
move on. The person who demonizes you may even 'invent' in their head
certain actions and situations with you which never actually occurred.
Commitmentphobic people and narcissists are especially prone to
demonizing. They use demonizing as a way to justify their own bad
behavior, and to not feel guilty or responsible for their actions.
Surely, if they can demonize the other person then they can safely
place blame on the other person for their own poor treatment of them,
or their negative actions or undesirable behaviors.
Narcissists, too, use demonizing as a way to
project their own faults and flaws onto the other person, and thus not
feel the shame associated with the very things that they, themselves,
are guilty of possessing. Demonizing gives the perpetrator the feeling
of power, dominance and control. The demonizer can actually make their
partner feel 'crazy', off balanced, or shameful - and thusly their
partner becomes more compliant, complacent, and codependent.
Can demonizing actually make us become more attached to the demonizer?
Yes! These types of emotional bondings are extremely difficult
relationships to leave. Pathological bonding (or toxic bonding) can be
much more psychologically stronger than bonding that occurs in a
I think that being demonized is one reason (of many) people become so
attached to the partner with psychological disorders, or why they
grieve so much after leaving him or her. It is their intense need to
have had this man or woman just ONE TIME accept them and love them in a
normal and gentle way.
They probably have never received this from him or her, and to have
never received this must have been be very damaging to their own sense
of self-worth. They were and are starving for a normal and gentle love
and their egos and pride feel bruised by the fact that they were not
'special' enough to cure all their partner's delusions and bring him or
her to their 'senses'. They end up feeling less than, and lacking in
attraction and power.
end up not feeling good about themselves anymore and desperately feel
the need to regain their partner's love, respect, admiration, and
acceptance again in order to feel good about themselves once more.
they strongly attach to him or her desperately needing to be accepted,
loved and appreciated by him or her so that they once again may regain
their ego and feelings of self-worth.
Commitmentphobic people have their own special need for 'demonizing'.
Somewhere in the relationship they will start to find fault in their
partners - this is the commitmentphobe's way of always having an 'out'.
They store these 'flaws' subconsciously, thinking to themselves, "well,
I could NEVER marry him or her - I couldn't possibly spend my life with
a person who has that 'flaw'!" He or she needs to find these flaws as
their escape ticket to cash in and use as an excuse when the time comes
to exit the relationship (and the time WILL come!)
The commitmentphobic person does some major faultfinding, and blatantly
points out your flaws - real or imagined (this is the stage where your
ego is crushed and your self-esteem takes a massive nose-dive. He or
she will concentrate on the one thing about you that you CAN'T change -
such as your religion, your height, your skin tone, your family, your
financial status, etc.) He or she exaggerates your faults and flaws to
enormous proportions, and then uses these as an excuse for his or her
abandonment, leaving them to feel completely blameless in their
decision to desert you and the relationship.
If you have been demonized you can rest assured that you are not the
'horrible' person they may make you feel like you are. They have a
whole, long Trail of Tears that they have left behind them. You were
not the first on this Trail, nor will you be the last, to suffer the
pain of loving the demonizer.
To read more about commitmentphobia please read our books
on commitmentphobia at http://commitmentphobia.net or visit our site at http://commitment-phobia.com.
more on narcissism please visit our site at http://breakingupwithyournarcissist.com.
Also visit The
Breakup Eraser to read "The Breakup Eraser".
Inspiration, Poem or Quote:
Cold steel bars surround my heart
Buried deep within
Let Fate turn wheels and bring the start
The punishment begins
A metallic spike driven through my wrist
To bring about the pain
A crimson reminder of an unshared kiss
And a future that was slain
Bound by iron shackles
Forced to listen and believe
Reality now cackles
Only temporary reprieve
I want to trust you, lover
Bite down another nail
I didn't know there was another
Stand up, walk, and fail
I blink away the tears
As she pours on the acid
Eating away at unlived years
The scent she leaves is acrid
Captor smiles as I bleed
The hope-sword thrust into my side
Almost believing your cries; "It will always be me"
It took a long time for me to die"
© Elisabeth Jean - from Sad Love Poems and Quotes
Prayer or Thought:
Love is patient; love
is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does
not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does
not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all
things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
- Corinthians 13:4-7
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Thank you for reading this week's newsletter! As always, we welcome
feedback and new ideas for future newsletters.
Have a great week everyone!
published by Tigress Luv & Glass Slipper publishing, the Breakup Gurus. For more
breakup advice and forums please join us at the Lifted Hearts Breakup
Support Forums & Community at http://liftedhearts.com.
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