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'CODEPENDENCY & YOUR BREAKUP'
Tigress Luv, the Breakup Guru

Codependent people have an uncanny ability to destroy every relationship they have been in. They tend to latch on to partners quickly, feel completely devastated or destroyed after a breakup, and feel empty and lost outside of a relationship. Although there are many, many books out there that attempt to explain the motives of codependent people, I have never found one that actually describes the reason behind what they do to my satisfaction! Sooooo, let me try to explain my theory *smiling* (just shut up and bear with me here LOL!... ;) )

As pack animals we are all somewhat codependent. But when codependency becomes the overriding force in a person's life they begin to do the exact opposite of what they honestly believe their goal is. Where most codependents think they are sacrificing themselves for everyone around them, what they are actually doing is distancing themselves and emotionally withdrawing from those around them, so cocooned they are in themselves and their own feelings of injustice. They end up having little value to their partners, instead of being the 'irreplaceable' mate they believe they are.

To contradict a lot of books on the subject of codependency I am going to go out on a limb here and give my analysis of codependency: A codependent person—although it may appear that they are over-conscious and over-aware of others—in reality are only conscious of their own role in others' lives and not with the actual other person themselves. Because they so desperately need to keep their partner in their lives they become hypervigilant to their partner's actions, moods and needs.

The codependent pre-occupies themselves with others' emotional well-being and feelings only to see what their own status is to that other person, and how they fit in that person's life. If their partner is unhappy, surely that must mean that they are standing on crumbling ground and their whole world could come crashing down around them at any minute... or so they believe. Although the experts seem to claim that a codependent person is overly reactive and involved in others' moods, feelings, and emotional being, they actually are more astute to anothers' moods, feelings, and emotions only when it 'directly relates back to themselves' so that they may analyze the role they play in that person's life.

Thusly, many codependents have an intense need for acceptance, and validation of the fact that 'who they are' is good enough (translation: 'keepable'). They can be more selfish and self-involved then fiercely independent people are, as they are so engrossed in the role they play in other people's lives that they become obsessed with others' moods and well-being only as it relates to they, themselves.

"A funny thing about codependency is that when you are so focused only on another they become focused only on themselves, too." ~Tigress Luv

Codependents tend to give and give. Ironically, they are only so giving because they want to be able to 'receive' back. Basically, a codependent gives for two reasons...

Reason One: to cause 'self-pity' for the reason of being able to embrace, nurture, and love themselves
Reason Two: to cause 'manipulation' of those around them for the reason of being able to feel safe and secure in their relationship and their role status in other people's lives.

By letting go of our need to 'fit' into others' lives, and by feeling good enough about ourselves to ask ourselves whether others shall be good enough to 'fit' into ours, do we become more valuable partners, and find a greater happiness overall.

**12 Step Breakup Recovery in the Lifted Hearts Breakup Support Community**

* We admitted we were powerless over changing others' actions or choices, that our lives have become our own to manage solely.

* Came to believe that only in letting go of others, and giving others back to themselves, could we restore ourselves to wholeness.

* Made a decision to turn toward our trust and our faith that we will be okay, no matter what, we have now turned our lives over to the belief that all things happen for a reason.

* Took an inner-reflection of ourselves, and, upon admitting our own flaws and faults, have found forgiveness for ourselves.

* Acknowledged our anger towards those who have hurt us, and, realizing that all humans have the right to error and to their own personal happiness, we have forgiven those who have hurt us.

* Realized that we can control our emotions, and diminish the pain in our lives, simply by how we react to the cause of the pain and our attitude toward it. Understood that we can control our amount of pain by controlling the outlook we have towards any given situation; by learning to 'act' instead of 'react'.

* Sought through the unity of the Lifted Hearts Breakup Support Group to find trust and faith that we will heal.

* Sought to have a greater spirituality and faith in this awakening.

* Made the conscious effort to 'let go' of others and give them back to themselves.

* Took a renewed interest in ourselves and our lives, and made the conscious decision to be the best that we can be.

* Admitted that we are not perfect, nor is anybody else, and have found peace in this confession.

* Resisted the temptation to transform our desires and wants into cravings and needs.

Nothing is harder on the codependent type personality than letting go of a broken relationship and just walking away. For more join the Lifted Hearts Breakup Support group at http://brokenheartsville.com .

Section 2

Today's Inspiration, Poem or Quote:

"For crissake, please get down off that cross--someone might need the wood!"

Today's Prayer or Thought:

LIFTED HEARTS PRAYER
WRITTEN BY TIGRESS LUV

~~Today let me see that my hurting and pain is a way of showing me I have insecurities that I need to work on. To heal my insecurities is to heal my pain. Today let me find strength and courage within the Lifted Hearts Community to face my insecurities and fears and know that I don't have to look toward another to sooth them.

~~Today let me relax and feel safe in knowing that sometimes in life the worst that happens to us are often miracles in disguise. Today let me find strength and courage within the Lifted Hearts Community to let go of what is behind me and look with anticipated joy to what magic and wonderful mystery the future may have in store.

~~Today let me hear my cries. Let me pray for the strength to step away from denial and live my life in forward. Today I pray for freedom through truth. Truth liberates, heals, and transforms. Today let me find strength and courage within the Lifted Hearts Community to stop looking for happiness in things that may or may not come true.

~~Today let me remember that forgiveness is something I do for me. To forgive is to admit that all people are human and humans make mistakes. Today let me find strength and courage within the Lifted Hearts Community to forgive those who have wronged me.

~~Today let me feel the warm light of dawn. Let the light show me that each day deserves to be a new day. Today let me find strength and courage within the Lifted Hearts Community to stop living my life in reverse.

~~Today let me understand that if I am to be without hope I am to be without a part in my life's plan. Today let me find strength and courage within the Lifted Hearts Community to admit my role in my own misery, be it that of victim or that of volunteer.

~~Today let me touch the hearts of those who love me by admitting to my own pre-occupation with myself lately. Today let me find strength and courage within the Lifted Hearts Community to let go of ego and give the gift of love back to those who love me.

~~Today let me see. Today let me relax. Today let me hear. Today let me remember. Today let me feel. Today let me understand. Today let me touch.

Tigress Luv

Just a reminder that our Brokenheartsville Community has room for you! Membership is only $19 to YOU at http://brokenheartsville.com !

Thank you for reading this week's newsletter! As always, I welcome feedback and new ideas for future newsletters.

Have a great week everyone!

Tiggy

You can read my past newsletters at this link.

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For more information about getting over the pain of breakup, please read How to Get Over a Breakup, by Tigress Luv, the Breakup Guru.

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