acceptance, and forgiveness....
Hi everyone. Someone
recently wrote me an email inquiring about the difference between
anger, acceptance, and forgiveness. I am sorry I didn't get back to
them, but recently had some personal problems that prevented me from
answering my emails. So I apologize for my lapse in response time.
I believe it is so
possible to find forgiveness, BOTH (key word) for
yourself and for your ex. You are both human, and humans make mistakes.
Right? You messed up, your ex messed up. So what! Are we not all far
from perfect entities? Yes, you can find forgiveness, but forgiveness
doesn't necessarily mean that what you are saying is that it was 'okay'
that they hurt you/cheated on you/beat you - or whatever. It is just
saying that you forgive them for 'whatever' because they are only human
and humans make mistakes. What most distinguishes us from other animals
are - unfortunately - greed, lust, pride, and the uncanny ability to
reason and rationalize everything we do to satisfy our wants (often
mistaken as needs)...hence, we are only human and human's make
mistakes. So, yes, it is very possible to find forgiveness to someone
who has wronged you, and for yourself, too...without saying that what
they did (or you did) is 'okay'.
Secondly, it is very hard to find
forgiveness without first finding acceptance. Acceptance is in
realizing that you and others have the 'right' to be who they are, and
to want what they want. Even if it goes against your wishes, wants, and
desires - they still have the right to pursue their own course in their
own life. Peace comes when you accept that they have the right to do
But, now anger - anger has a way of
growing in you like a demon and undermining all your well-meaning
efforts to forgive and accept - and move on. Anger is usually the first
emotional expression of grief. It simply means you are grieving a
situation's or person's control over you. If you experience a loss
through death you may get angry at God for stealing control over your
desire to keep the loved one with you. If you experienced a divorce
because of infidelity you may get angry for your lack of control over
the situation. Anger is a perfectly normal, acceptable, and welcomed
part of the grieving process. It would be absolutely ridiculous to
believe you shouldn't be angry about a failed relationship. You worked
hard at your relationship, gave it so much time, accepted it into your
life as a very special part of it.
Sometimes, when we feel consumed by
anger that seems to be centered at someone else, it really is
misdirected anger at ourselves. Such as the woman who is angry at her
abusive husband. Could it be misdirected anger at herself for not
finding the strength, willpower, and courage to cut free of him? Could
she be angry at herself for allowing him to steal her dignity and
self-esteem? These are angry emotions that can be misdirected to another
source. They don't benefit you at all. They don't incite you into
action, or release injustices. They just burn hate into your very heart
and soul, consuming your inner peace and joy.
Again, this is just my opinion ... on breakups and anger, how to handle the anger and peace with the breakup by finding forgiveness and acceptance.
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