First off, let me say that when I read your letter I was so moved
emotionally that I honestly had to 'put it away' for a day before I was
able to even answer it. I want you to know how very sorry I am for all
this emotional pain and turmoil you are going through. You must realize
that this pain of yours has to 'stop', don't you?
will try to answer your letter - in my own opinion, of course. You have
the right to listen to me, or to disregard what I say. Whatever your
choice is, let me warn you that you probably won't like what
I have to say to you - at all!
can see from your letter that you, like me, are and can be perfectly
content with yourself and your own company. Unfortunately, somewhere
over the course of the last year you have forgotten that. Somewhere
over the course of the last year you have lost yourself into that of
know all about the 'soulmate' image we can create in our minds. I,
myself, had always believed that there was only one true
soulmate for each of us - and even that I had met mine (he
died in our fourth year together). But, if you think about it, isn't it
amazing that our 'one and only' not only happens to exist on our
planet, and in our solar system - but in our lifetime, usually live
within 100 miles of us, and are even in the same age range! What a
coincidence! In other words, one and only soulmate - humbug!
You seem like a very intelligent, astute woman who has a good head on
her shoulders and is not easily persuaded by charm. Yet, what scares me
is how much you are willing to change 'you' and how much 'garbage' you
are willing to take just to have this man in your life. Another thing
that amazes me is that you tend to stick up for him, completely
abolishing him from any wrong-doing. You seem to have an excuse for
everything he has done, i.e. it was because of depression/sexual
needs/lack of physical attraction/not wanting to hurt me, etc. Why can
you not see this man for the selfish liar that he has proven himself to
be - over and over again? (Told you you wouldn't like what I had to
say.) I don't really believe that you are that 'desperate' to have a
mate that you would put up with this, but I do believe you have
subconsciously put your blinders on to the true facts about him - maybe
out of your 'need' to have him in your life. I often wonder why people
are so willing to completely change themselves into that of another
person just to 'keep' a mate? You must be 'you', or you will forever be
living a lie. Your mate must love you for 'you' or you will forever be
walking on eggshells, trying not to let the 'real you' slip out. Who
wants to live like that? Too, there seems to be a lot of misunderstood
issues in the bedroom area and I have to wonder; do you always want to
spend your sex-life together worrying that you are doing something
wrong, or too unaggressive, too overweight, not firm enough, not
assertive enough - or that any minute he could put a 'sex ad' in the
paper looking for more because you didn't satisfy him? In fact, I
really have to question the faithfulness of this man from day one.
Obviously, this man does not want to communicate with you on a serious
level. He wants to keep things light and airy - in other words, he
wants his cake and eat it too. He wants to have you in his life, but
not have to feel obligated or committed to you. It's always been my
opinion ( and proven to me time and again) that one cannot remain 'just
friends' with someone that they are in love with, or sexually involved
with. It's just NOT possible. And, no, I don't believe he is going
through such a 'self-discovery' process that you should remain meekly
(and weakly) in the sidelines waiting for him - hoping beyond hope that
he won't find another. Why would you want a man that feels he has to
sow all his wild oats somewhere else before plowing your fields?
His 'want ad' seeking a "more sexually aggressive woman, that is not as
'fat'" has me concerned. This man, and his 'sex-want' ads, obviously
has some major 'issues' that you are choosing to ignore. He is not
someone I would want to spend my life with, nor father my children.
Could you honestly ever relax with a man like that? Do you think that
perhaps you are 'glamorizing' him and your time together in the past,
simply because the thought of being out of a relationship is too
painful? I have to wonder if you are subconsciously making him and the
relationship better than it actually was?
sense, too, some 'control' and 'power' issues on his part. Verbal
abuse? As most abusers can be, did he come on strong and charming? Did
he make you feel special? Possibly, this man was such a charmer (as
most abusers are) that you really did think the relationship was
wonderful, and he was wonderful - and you will remain adamant to those
beliefs - even at the cost of your emotional well-being. This is called
psychological-abduction and is very common in verbally/emotionally
abusive relationships. Before they are even aware of it, the abused
becomes a 'walking-disciple' of the abuser, completely entranced by the
abusers 'control' over them. And without logical reasoning.
It is apparent that this man has
proven himself to be a liar over and over again, and has insulted you,
making you appear to be at fault. This is a form of
mental/verbal/emotional abuse and if continued will only escalate. Do
you want to be with a man that you can't trust, a man who's word is
about as good as last week's bread? a man that makes you feel inferior?
A man that makes you feel that if only you could 'fix' this or that
about yourself than everything would be okay? A man that can take a
reasonably secure, self-confident woman and subtly turn her into an
emotional basket-case in a matter of a few months?
You say that you believe the type of woman he is looking for is 'you',
except for a few minor exceptions, i.e. 'overweight' and 'sexual
issues/misunderstandings'. Those are not 'minor' exceptions! Those are
major exceptions! Also, it seems like you are very willing and eager to
'change' in order to be his 'dream woman'. You also feel that if you
are just given more time/chances to be more sexually aggressive, or
thinner, or this, or that - that you can change his mind. Gimme a
break! Don't you, at some point, want to be 'you'? Which, I believe, is
not a thin, sexually aggressive woman. Maybe you should stop trying to
be what "he's looking for" and start concentrating on what "you're
looking for" - and, no, he's not the "one-and-only" man for you. I
believe you have, perhaps, 'molded him' (in your mind) into your
one-and-only, but that might be because you desperately wanted him, or
needed him, to be. Remember, like me, you were once perfectly content
with your own company.
personal opinion is for you to try and forget about him. Don't contact
him again. Don't confront him on his lies. Give him back to himself and
move on with your life. Thank God for bringing him into your life for a
while, and then let go and let God (or kismet) lead your life where it
may. Who knows what waits around the next corner? By letting go and
moving on you are forcing him to do one of two things. One, if he TRULY
loves you he will 'wake up' and seek you, wanting to reconcile. Or two,
he will let you go and move on (which he seems to have done already,
One of these two things is the only
answer you'll need. You can't keep trying to remain in his life by
changing the both of you - trying to mold you both into the 'perfect
soulmates' fantasy. It just doesn't work that way! It only succeeds in
making you crazy with grief, and worry, and stress, and anxiety.
This whole situation is obviously
tearing you apart, as the pain that was evident in your letter tore me
apart. My heart just wept for you. As painful as it may sound, you
really need to let this man go (at least for now) and back off from him
and the relationship. Get back to 'you' and your life. Most people are
afraid that if they back off a little that the object of their
affection will move on and eventually forget about them. But,
ironically, the real reason is that they, themselves, are afraid that
if they back off that THEY will forget about the object of their
affection, and they don't want to do this. They are so 'in need' of
having someone to love that the fear of losing that love is
My advice remains the same - let it
go. Let him go. Give him back to himself. Trust God to lead you. God
probably has some wonderful plans for you, but you'll never know what
they are if you stand adamant in this 'limbo' - refusing to take that
bend in the road and go around that 'unchartered' corner.
great way to rediscover yourself is to walk. Go for a walk. Today.
Tomorrow. Every day. If you ever want to meet 'you' just take off
walking! Not only do you get to know 'you' again (something we lose
sight of in a relationship) but you end up losing weight, having great
legs, and a terrific tan!
Again, I am very sorry if I seem to be cruel in my answer. That is not
my intention! My intent is to help you find yourself again.
"A man who cannot see past an
'imperfect' body, also cannot see past a 'perfect' one." ~by
published by Glass Slipper publishing, the Breakup Gurus. For more
breakup advice and forums please join us at the Lifted Hearts Breakup
Support Forums & Community at http://liftedhearts.com.
Above is some breakup advice, a letter to an overweight reader by the Breakup Gurus ... we hope you found some help and comfort in it.