After Break Up Mistakes: Break Up Healing Mistakes
Breakups can make life
miserable. Unfortunately, many of us resort to ineffective or
self-defeating attempts to hasten our healing, or try to reverse the
process. We only end up making matters worse. Oh, those mistakes we make that keep us from healing after a breakup, break up healing shouldn't be that extreme!
Unfortnately, we can make a lot of after break up mistakes which make it harder for us to heal and become whole and healthy again. Some self-destructive
things we may resort to are:
Denying the breakup, or ignoring your hurt, pain, confusion,
and feelings of rejection only compounds it. Like cancer, it slowly
eats away at you, silently, painlessly, and unnoticed . Acknowledge
your pain. Accept that the relationship is over.
Attack their pride or good-character: Often times, to lessen
our own painful feelings of rejection and failure, we finger-point.
Placing blame on the other person. We need to learn to attack
the 'issue', instead of the person. Name-calling, fault
finding, or finger-pointing only builds the wall, hides the issue, and
prevents us from bettering ourselves for future relationships, and
salvaging our current ones. 'Devaluing' their mate is an
abuse tactic often used by narcissists in a breakup. To read up about
narcissists and why they demonize or devalue their mates - plus their
other 'subtle' abuse tactics, please visit Breaking Up
With Your Narcissist.)
Some more after break up mistakes we may make are...
Manipulation: There are many forms of manipulation, from
openly dating others to feelings of hopelessness and abandonment.
Sometimes we are very much aware of our manipulative ways. Such as
sending cards, flowers, or others gestures of relaying our love (need).
But, more often than not, we are unaware. We may cry, beg, threaten,
insult, belittle, or even blackmail our ex - all with hopes of
manipulating them into helping us get what 'we' want. Our main goal is
satisfying our own personal interests - we ignorantly think,
'to hell with what is good or right for them'. We only see things our
Calling in the forces: We try to recruit friends,
acquaintances, co-workers, and both our ex's and our own families as
allies on our quest to 'make it stop' or 'make it all go away'. Whether
our motives are to belittle and insult our ex, find out 'if they are
seeing anybody', or looking for a translator to get our message of
misery or woe to the ex. Eventually, all we really end up
doing is losing our own self-respect and dignity.
Over-analyzing: Are you dwelling on your breakup, your
relationships, and the if's, and's and but's? Do you keep reliving
the last moments over and over again? The problem is
you are doing all this through one state of mind - that of a wounded
child who did something wrong and wants to make it right. The problem
is, just as with children, you aren't seeing clearly. You aren't really
hearing what is being said to you. Close your prejudiced thoughts up.
Empty you heart out. And open your ears.
Even more after break up mistakes continue below:
Neglect to give ourself, and our ex, time: You may instantly
try to salvage the relationship, undo a breakup, change your ex's mind,
or alter a certain course of events. Your thoughts are so clouded and
unreliable right after a breakup. Give yourself time to 'come down'
from the emotional roller-coaster so that you can think, act, and even
react with a more relaxed state of mind. This always gives your ex time
to unwind from the pain and think more clearly, too. If they were
the one to opt for the breakup, odds are they are set on leaving it and the quicker you engage them with the ideal
of getting back together the more adamant they will be to
leave. Allowing time to pass gives them the needed space to think more
rationally and get out of that 'wanting out' state.
The webBook, This Side of Good-bye, available in
our library here, explains more about what kind of mode people are in
when they choose to leave a relationship.
Rebound: "Oh, just forget it. I'm moving on
and putting this man/woman behind me!" These thoughts can be
very damaging. Dating again heals your heart about the same as placing
a mere band-aid on a broken arm would heal the arm. The damage will
remain! Before you move on you should learn to fully understand what
issues were yours, where you could use 'fixing-up', and learning to be
comfortable with being by yourself - a must for any future successful
relationship. Without these you will see history repeat itself over
and over again. You will know that the healing is complete and
you are ready to date again when you can find happiness -
alone and with yourself! And when you can find that then any
relationship you have after that has got to be great because you
eliminate these relationship busters:
ANXIETY - you are FREE from that panicky 'need' to have someone
DEPRESSION - you know to create your own happiness
ABANDONMENT FEAR - there is no 'fear' of being left, because even that
would be okay with you
CODEPENDENCY - you've healed to the point where you do not
'unhealthily' ATTACH to someone
HURT FEELINGS - you learn to listen without 'defending' (yourself) and
speak without 'offending' (the other person). You also learn to hear
the 'fear' behind their words - and yours
DISCONTENTMENT - you learn to appreciate them for who they are. You
don't try to change or alter them. And you allow them to be themselves
NERVOUS INSECURITY - only 'you' are the 'be-all' to your life
RESENTMENT - you love unselfishly
PERFORMANCE ANXIETY - sex is no longer a 'tool'
ANXIETY - when you are a peace with yourself, your relationship is one
of serenity and security - not anxiety, worry, hurt, and pain
It's bad enough that after a breakup we make mistakes in healing and moving on, but the biggest after break up mistakes we may make is in taking care of ourselves!
Alcohol, drugs, food, one-night stands: Oh, my! Argh! The
pain is gone temporary, and maybe that sounds really good
right now - to stop the pain...but, boy does it come back
ten-fold. Additionally, we are even more depressed as a result of the
chemicals we have put in our body, our loss of self-respect, fear that
we may have harmed ourselves, and the realization that we are
right back where we started from! In fact, we are two steps back! The
best solution is to not try to end the pain, but to just go through it.
Think of it as a dark tunnel you have stumbled across while
journeying through a dark and dismal land. You start out in a really
bad place. In fact, it is such a bad, evil, horrible place that you can't even phantom that the tunnel ends in a bright,
beautiful land rich in hope, love, and laughter.
But to get there you have to go
through the tunnel, and right now that black, endless-looking hole
doesn't look anymore inviting than the dismal land you are in. So,
someone comes along, someone who has journeyed through that tunnel, and
they tell you, "this tunnel ends in the land of golden sun and bright
rainbows, and many beautiful things". So you look at the tunnel and it
is still dark and foreboden looking, and there's no way you're going to
go through that. So you try to skip around it, or hop right over it in
your hurry to reach the dream land. But every time you do that, you end
up even farther away from the tunnel's entrance. And you have to work
even harder, fighting yourself back through the dark and dismal land of
dread to reach the tunnel's entrance again. If you would just
walk through it, you will soon see that the tunnel is starting to take
in light. And then the light gets brighter and is laced with golden
rays of sunshine. And at last you see the end. But the only way to
reach the end of the tunnel is to go through it.
Yes, we can make the pain of our breakup far
worse than it already is. But, although these are trying times, the
grief can be lessened and the healing hastened if we
follow these simple rules above. Where as we all make after break up mistakes, for the most part they are not something that we can't change and move past..
more information about getting over the pain of breakup, please read How to Get Over a Breakup
published by Glass Slipper Publishing, and Tigress Luv, the Breakup Gurus. For more
breakup advice and forums please join us at the Lifted Hearts Breakup
Support Forums & Community at http://liftedhearts.com