my eldest daughter visited me. We hadn't seen each other in some years
due to my inability to travel because of my health; of course, money
was an issue, too. Our visit was fun and we had a great time swapping
stories about things that had happened since our last visit.
One of the stories my daughter told me was about a friend of hers (I'll
call her 'Linda') who was married to a man that was less than 'loyal'
(I'll call him 'Alan'). In fact, from what I gather Alan had quite a
history of many extramarital affairs in the past. The thing that seemed
to baffle my daughter was that his wife, Linda, seemed to have
'tolerated' his affairs.
She told me that she once confronted Linda
about this to which Linda replied, "As long as he comes home to me and
Well, it seems that Alan, again, started having yet another affair
somewhere around the time of the birth of their third child. During the
time of this affair he started sleeping on their living room couch
every single night, refusing to join Linda in their bedroom at night.
As my daughter explained it, apparently one day Alan comes home from
work only to find that their entire bedroom suite had been moved into
the living room and completely setup - right down to the bed being
made. Bed frame and headboard, mattress, box spring, clothes chest and
dressers, bedside tables...the whole shit-and-shebang all moved to -
and set up in - their living room. Confused, Alan asked Linda what was
going on. Linda simply replied to him, "Well, if you are not going to
join me in our bedroom, then I guess I will just have to join you in
our living room."
From what I understand that was quite some
years ago, and Alan and Linda are still together.
So, how much are you willing to 'accept' in order to be with your
partner, and keep your relationship together? Would you accept
cheating? Would you accept abuse? Would you accept non-contribution?
For many, many years I have told people that the secret to a successful
relationship is a total 100% acceptance of your partner, and of your
partner's habits, ways, idiosyncrasies - both the bad and the good. I
have told people that if you cannot accept something about your partner
than you have two options, one is to leave, and the other one is to
stay and be miserable. Why? Because without 100% acceptance you cannot
be happy. You can tolerate, you can look the other way, you can 'try'
to change them ... but ultimately you will end up secretly resenting
them, and you will not be happy. Only with totally accepting them can
you have a happy, successful relationship.
In our ebook, How to Get Over a Breakup (http://lovehurts.us),
I talk about acceptance and I also talk about the methods we use to try
and manipulate people and gain control over people and certain
situations when we feel we can not accept them as they are.
Such methods are:
Ironically, all this manipulation does is to
make us feel 'nuts' and even more 'less in control' of the situation.
Only in letting go and accepting do we find peace in our relationships.
But acceptance doesn't mean total abandonment to 'self'. It doesn't
mean you have to let people walk all over you! What it means is that
you have to know where to draw the line. What are you willing to
accept? When you make it clear that you are not willing to accept
certain behaviors in your partner, or in your relationship, you give
your partner the opportunity to work at pleasing you and growing the
Without setting these standards you risk the loss of respect from your
partner and you diminish your worth to them. So while acceptance is
wonderful, it in no way means that you should degrade yourself and be a
doormat. It simply means that you have standards and expectations, that
there are things you will accept about your partner - such as failing
to get their socks in the hamper or spending every weekend watching
sports, and then there are things that you simply will not or can not
accept. (I would have put Alan out with the trash!)
I often talk about forgiveness being the key
to recovering from a breakup, but true forgiveness cannot exist without
first finding true acceptance. Acceptance is in realizing that you and
others have the 'right' to be who they are, they have the right to be
flawed, they have the right to make mistakes and bad judgments, and
they have the right to want what they want. Even if it goes against
your wishes, wants, and desires - they still have the right to pursue
their own course in their own life. Peace comes when you accept that
they have the right to do just that, and when you can find forgiveness
towards them had their decisions or actions directly or indirectly hurt
So, in oparting, let me say that TRULY the secret to a happy relationship is in accepting your partner -- fully -- or not at all.
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Today's Inspiration, Poem
"It's not the days, the hours, the minutes, nor the seconds that count.
It's man's actions and reactions to them that make or break his life's
journey." ~Tigress Luv, The
Prayer or Thought:
measure of us is not as important an account of who we are as our own
measure of ourselves. When we feel hurt by another's misguided notion
about us we must ask ourselves what rings true about their opinion of
us that makes us feel so rejected?
When we validate another's rejection, we, in essence, reject ourselves
even more than they did. Today let us ask ourselves how we have come to
feel worthy of another's rejection, and stop and reflect on why we may
feel that way. Today let us realize that we are wonderful just as we
are, but that there is always room for improvement. Today let us set
out to improve on those things about ourselves that we are unhappy with."
a reminder that our Breakup
Support Forums & Community has room for you!
Membership is only $19 to YOU at http://liftedhearts.com !
Thank you for reading this week's newsletter! As always, we welcome
feedback and new ideas for future newsletters.
Have a great week everyone!
Glass Slipper Publications